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This page contains quotes from the popular sitcom, Seinfeld. Seinfeld aired on NBC from 1990-1998 and starred Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The show was about comedian Jerry Seinfeld's everyday experiences and his relationships with fictional friends, George Costanza, Elaine Benes and Kramer.
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- Created by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
- Network: NBC
- Seasons: 9
- Episodes: 180
- Aired: 1990-1998
- Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Julia Louis-Dreyfus
- When to Watch: Seinfeld on TBS
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Quotes
- Jerry: Hello... Newman..
- Jerry: ...Mulva? Dolores!
- Kramer: I'M OUT THERE JERRY, AND I'M LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!
- Kramer: I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Kramer: Giddyup!
- Kramer: Hello, and welcome to movie phone... Why Don't you just tell me the name of the movie you'd like to see?
- George: Serenity now!
- George's Machine: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
- Elaine: I've yada-yada'd sex
- Elaine: Shrinkage? Like in Laundry?
- Frank Costanza: Frank Costanza: It's a Festivus for the rest of us!
- David Puddy: David Puddy: High five... On the flip side!
- The Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
Categories
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Seinfeld Quotes on Amazon
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Seinfeld Vandelay Industries Mens T-Shirt, Medium - $17.99
This t-shirt features the logo for Vandelay Industries, as seen on Seinfeld! Standard mens size tee. Shoulder-to-shoulder taped, sleeve and bottom hem are double-needled. 100% cotton. Officially licensed.
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Seinfeld George Costanza It's Not a Lie If You Believe It Mens T-Shirt, X-Large - $17.99
This t-shirt features George Costanza posing next to a quote, "It's not a lie if you believe it." Standard mens size tee. Shoulder-to-shoulder taped, sleeve and bottom hem are double-needled. 100% cotton. Officially licensed.
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Seinfeld George Costanza Art Vandelay: Architect Mens T-Shirt, Medium - $17.99
This t-shirt features George Costanza posing as Art Vandelay of Vandelay Industries, as seen on Seinfeld! Printed next to him is the quote, "Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? It didn't even take very long." Standard mens siz...
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Jerry
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- Hello... Newman..
- Broccoli, Newman? You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.
- Oh, I know the chunky who left these chunkies... NEWMAN!
- Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend!
- But I don't want to be a pirate!
- ...Mulva?
- Dolores!
- We're not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that!
- IMDb: Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
- You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
- I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit it, I'm not getting the signals, I am not getting it. Women - they're so *subtle*, their little - everything they do is *subtle*. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women! That's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next stop after that we have *no* *idea* - this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far!
- Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon, babe, let's go!" You come by, you open up the lid, & they all...
- Don't you hate the "to be continued" 's on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show, you're into the story. You know, there's like 5 minutes left and you realize "Hey! They can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in 5 minutes!". I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see, I can't go "a man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms. Can you come back next week?"
Kramer
- Mahalo's Guide to Kramer Quotes
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- I'M OUT THERE JERRY, AND I'M LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!
- I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Giddyup!
- Hello, and welcome to movie phone.
- Why Don't you just tell me the name of the movie you'd like to see?
- Retro Junk: Seinfeld - Quotes
- These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
- It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!
- Yo Yo Ma!
George Costanza
- Mahalo's Guide to George Costanza Quotes
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
- My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.
- I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'
- My name is Art Vandelay. I'm an architect.
- I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
- Serenity now!
- You invite me over here for lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then you tell me you're not in the mood for details? Now you listen to me; I want details, and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I've got no place to go, you're not in the mood? Well you GET in the mood!
- Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
- Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Elaine Benes
- Mahalo's Guide to Elaine Benes Quotes
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
- He's a bad breaker-upper.
- I've yada-yada'd sex
- Shrinkage? Like in Laundry?
- You want a Christmas card!? Here's your Christmas card!
- IMDb: Elaine Benes Quotes
- You're through, Soup Nazi! No more soup for *you*.
- You know, it's not fair that people are selected first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest!
- Maybe the dingo ate your baby
Newman
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- When you control the mail, you control information.
- Let me let you in on a secret. Zipcodes, they're meaningless.
- I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten ... lost in the mail!
- Classic TV Quotes: Newman Quotes
- VILE WEED!
- Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
- That job sounds like it might be worth a year free haircuts. And a comb.
Other Characters
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- Lloyd Braun: Serenity now, insanity later.
- Frank Costanza: It's a Festivus for the rest of us!
- Frank Costanza: You had me sleeping on a pee stained couch?
- David Puddy: High five... On the flip side!
- Morty Seinfeld: Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chips Ahoy, I'm having it.
- Babu: You're a very bad man, Jerry Seinfeld! Very, very bad!
- Susan: You're a stupid stupid man George! A very stupid little man!
- Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
- Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.
Dialogue
- IMDb: Seinfeld Memorable Quotes
- Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
- George Costanza: Who said that?
- Mr. Lippman: She did.
- George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
- Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
- George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
- George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
- Jerry: No, what happened to you?
- George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
- Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
- George Costanza: Right.
- Jerry: What is that?
- George Costanza: You're in latex.
- Jerry: What do I do with latex?
- George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
- Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
- Jerry: And what do I say about you?
- George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
- Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
- George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
- Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
- Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
- Jerry: You're serious?
- Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
- Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
- Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
- Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
- Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
- Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
- Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
- George Costanza: They forgot my bread.
- Jerry: [under his breath] Just forget it. Let it go.
- George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
- Soup Nazi: Bread - $2 extra.
- George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
- Soup Nazi: You want bread?
- George Costanza: Yes, please.
- Soup Nazi: $3!
- George Costanza: What?
- Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
- [snaps fingers]
- Soup Nazi: [cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
- Jerry: This isn't a good time.
- Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
- Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
- Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
- Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
- Telemarketer: Umm, no.
- Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
- [hangs up phone]
- Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
- George Costanza: What is that?
- Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
- George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
- Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
- Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage?
- George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
- Newman: I'm a little... insulted...
- Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
- Kramer: It's a write off for them.
- Jerry: How is it a write off?
- Kramer: They just write it off.
- Jerry: Write it off what?
- Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
- Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
- Kramer: Do you?
- Jerry: No. I Don't.
- Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
- Jerry: ...I wish I could have the last 20 seconds of my life back.
- Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
- Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's. peppermint; it's delicious!
- Jerry: That's true.
- Kramer: It's very refreshing!
- Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you speak Burmese?
- J. Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish.
- Jerry: Elaine, do women know about shrinkage?
- Elaine: You mean like laundry?
- Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...
- Elaine: Oh! It shrinks?
- Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
- Elaine: Why does it shrink?
- George: It just does!
- Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
- Elaine: I've "yada yadaed" sex.
- Jerry: You?
- Elaine: I met a lawyer once; he took me out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to his apartment and "yada yada" I never heard from him again.
- Jerry: But you "yada yadaed" over the best part!
- Elaine: Oh I mentioned the bisque...
- Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
- George: A bubble boy?!
- Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
- Susan: What's a bubble boy?
- Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
- George: Boy.
- Kramer: I'm out.
- Elaine: What?!
- Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
- George: You're out?!
- Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. What?
- Elaine: Well, that was fast!
- Jerry: Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next.
- George: You faked?
- Elaine: On occasion.
- Jerry: And the guy never knows?
- Elaine: No.
- Jerry: How can he not know that?
- Elaine: Because I was gooood.
- Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
- Elaine: You didn't know
- Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting... the moaning, the screaming?
- Elaine: {smiles} Fake, fake...fake, fake!
- Classic TV Quotes: Seinfeld Quotes
- Jerry: Hey George, how are you going to keep the machine plugged in?
- George: What?
- Jerry: Well, when you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
- George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem. You'd think just once I'd catch a break. God knows I earned it with that score.
- George: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Getting that frog across the street was my entire life.
- George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
- Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
- Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
- Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
- Jerry: [to Newman, about Kramer] The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers... he's hooked on this chicken, isn't he?
- George: Listen... there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it. It's kind of important to me.
- Susan: What is it?
- George: Well... I put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.
- Susan: A pre-nup?
- George: Yeah.
- Susan: [bursts out laughing]
- George: What's so funny?
- Susan: You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Ha ha. Yeah, gimme the papers I'll sign 'em.
- Estelle: Georgie's getting married.
- Frank: Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?
- Estelle: Yes.
- Frank: To a woman?
- Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.
- Elaine: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, "Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!
- Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
- Elaine: Well, I...
- Soup Nazi: You know something?
- Elaine: Hmmm?
- Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
- Elaine: What?
- Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!
- George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
- Wikiquote: Seinfeld
![100 Seinfeld Quotes [com legendas]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/DBpYCDSFpik/2.jpg){kind=small}
