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This page contains memorable quotes from Stewie Griffin, a fictional character on the hit animated cartoon show, Family Guy. Stewie (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) is a precocious, evil mastermind toddler who is hellbent on world domination and killing his mother Lois. He speaks with a British accent, and has a head that's shaped like a football.
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Fast Facts
- New Family Guy episodes: Sundays, 9PM
- Network: Fox
- Seth MacFarlane voices Stewie Griffin, Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, and Quagmire
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Stewie Quotes
- "What the deuce?"
- "Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb."
- "Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight."
- "Do these huggies make my ass look big?"
- "There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'"
- "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over."
- [plucks a banjo] "Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!"
- "I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES."
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Stewie Griffin Top Quotes
- Family Guy Quotes: Stewie Griffin Quotes
- Stewie: "How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."
- Meg (about Peter being retarded): "I can never go to school again!"
- Stewie: "Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight."
- Stewie: "It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'"
- Stewie: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch."
- Stewie: "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over."
- About: Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
- Stewie: "Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb."
- Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] "Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers."
- Stewie: "Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight."
- Stewie: "Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening."
- IMDb: Family Guy - Memorable quotes
- Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] "Now listen to me... [looks at agent's name tag] Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES."
- Stewie Griffin: "Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup."
- Stewie Griffin: [talking to a prostitute] "So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"
- Stewie Griffin: "Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside."
- Stewie Griffin: "Do these huggies make my ass look big?"
- Stewie Griffin: [plucks a banjo] "Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!"
- Stewie Griffin: "For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny."
- Family Guy Quotes: Stewie Griffin Quotes
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Stewie Griffin Quotes on Amazon | View All
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Family Guy All I Know I Learned From Stewie Mens T-Shirt, X-Large - $17.99
This cool Family Guy t-shirt features a large front print of several images of Stewie Griffin, and also includes a list of things learned from Stewie. All I know I learned from STEWIE: Shoot first ask questions later; The toilet has made sl...
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Family Guy Stewie Scarface Spoof Who Do I Trust? Me! T-Shirt, X-Large - $17.99
This Family Guy t-shirt featuers Stewie Griffin as Tony Montana (from the hit movie Scarface) with the caption Who Do I Trust? Me! The black and white print is accented with gold and silver glitter ink for that touch of bling, plus a subtle...
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Family Guy Stewie Scarface Spoof Who Do I Trust? Me! T-Shirt, Medium - $17.99
This Family Guy t-shirt featuers Stewie Griffin as Tony Montana (from the hit movie Scarface) with the caption Who Do I Trust? Me! The black and white print is accented with gold and silver glitter ink for that touch of bling, plus a subtle...
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Family Guy Stewie You Suck Automotive Air Freshener - $2.95
Hang this awesome Stewie air freshener in your vehicle, home, or office for weeks of 'scent-ual' pleasure! Comes packaged in cellophane and includes hang string. Actual Air Freshener size approx. 3"
Amazon
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Stewie Griffin Quotes on Twitter Powered by Twitter
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it's really hard to open a beer on the sly when the only opener you can find is a stewie griffin one that plays quotes everytime you use it
@pollardjt | July 08, 2009 07:03 AM
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Questions and Answers About Stewie Griffin Quotes | View All | Ask a Question
View All Stewie Griffin Quotes Questions (245) | Ask a QuestionQuotes (1 Answer)SparkNotes or CliffsNotes. SparkNotes had a whole page on important quotes: http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/raisin/quotes.html read moreCan I get a link to Kathy Griffin bikini pictures? (1 Answer)Here you go... According to People magazine, Paris and Kathy are being filmed together for an upcoming episode of Griffin's Bravo show, "My Life on the D-List." read moreWhat are some thought-provoking quotes about parenting? (2 Answers)I had this quote in my head and couldn't remember who said it to give credit. I searched and I found this great link that I've included as my source. ... read more
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