Simple Tips for a Happy Marriage

The saying "happily ever after" is for fairy tales only. The reality is that fewer than half of married couples reach their 15th anniversary together. How can you maximize the likelihood that your marriage is happy and successful? The secret to a successful marriage is being thoughtful on a daily basis about your contribution to the relationship. Just as growing a beautiful garden requires weeding, trimming and feeding, so does creating a successful marriage. The strategies below will help you make your relationship stronger than any fairy tale.

The tips below show you the importance of how you should behave not only when things are going smoothly, but more importantly when you’re upset and things are not working in your marriage the way you want them to. How do you go into an argument? If you go in swinging (figuratively, of course) and you’ll end up breaking things, possibly irrevocably. To paraphrase an old saying, “act in haste, repent at leisure.” What do you do when things get bumpy? Are you fast to forgive, or do you carry a grudge around? If you have a hard time resolving your differences with your partner, do you keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results, or do you find someone who can help?

1. How you begin an argument is as important (and may determine) how it ends. Research has shown it is possible to predict the outcome of an argument within 30 seconds. Trying to get even during an argument is very tempting when you’re upset about something your partner said or did. Giving in to this temptation will damage your relationship. Instead, go in to each argument committed to resolving the issue, not getting even. Don’t argue harshly. See the discussion as an opportunity to help your partner see what isn’t working for you. This isn’t easy to do, especially at first, when you’re hurt or angry. Try it anyway, you may find yourself amazed at the results.
2. When something isn’t working, attempt repairs. When you do have an argument, as every couple does, find ways to show you still care. Apologize if you have messed up. Attempting to repair the relationship as you have the disagreement reminds each of you that you hold your relationship in high regard. It shows you want to care for it, even when you disagree.
3. You don’t know everything about your partner…thankfully! It’s easy to fall into the belief that you know everything there is to know about your partner. After all, you’ve been together so long, been through so much together, you’re experts on each other! To maintain a growing relationship, remind yourself that you always have more to learn. Don’t assume she won’t want to do that, or that he’ll never change. Look for the things you didn’t know. Ask questions that help your knowledge grow. Become a scholar, not an expert.
4. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and your relationship. When I say forgiveness, I mean really forgiving. Not saying you forgive in that tone (you know what I mean) and holding a grudge. Saying you forgive but holding on to your anger plants the seeds of resentment. The weeds that grow from those seeds will choke the garden of all its beauty. Forgiveness means choosing to stop the cycle of hurt started by the actions of others. Letting go is a conscious act that frees you from the hurt and pain and allows your relationship to grow.
5. What have you done for your partner lately? In a relationship, it is useful to think of yourselves as having “emotional bank accounts” with each other. When you hurt your partner or let them down, you’ve made a withdrawal. Do that too frequently without making deposits, and your account will be overdrawn. Daily mindful acts, even small ones, contribute huge amounts to your emotional bank accounts. Thank him for bringing in the mail. Call her by her favorite nickname. Tell him you appreciated when he called your mother on her birthday. These are all small things, but when done can lead to great payoffs.
6. Believe it or not, your spouse might actually have good ideas! The two of you are on the same team, but you may have different ideas on how to play the game. It’s common to get caught up in trying to convince your spouse to see or do things your way. Instead, listen to your partner’s ideas and take them into consideration. You might be surprised at how your marriage wins when you give up being right.
7. Make time for the relationship. Sitting on the couch next to each other watching TV doesn’t count! Even if it’s only 15 minutes, make that your uninterrupted “together time” each night. Put your feet up on his lap while chatting in the living room. Take the time to reconnect. Make sure the kids have something to entertain themselves with and be firm about not being interrupted. Taking time for the relationship doesn’t always have to be an elaborate date night, although that helps too!
8. As soon as trouble starts, talk with an unbiased third party, such as a friend, a clergy or a Marriage Therapist. Most couples wait an average of six years after problems arise before seeking help for their relationship. Imagine your doctor diagnosed you with cancer and you waited six years before seeking treatment. The results would not be pretty. Help is more likely to be successful early on. If you’re having problems in your marriage, don’t wait until you contemplate divorce before seeking help. Reach out now and take that critical first step to a help your marriage thrive.

www.MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com

This is a resource for finding marriage counselors with experience and training in Marriage Therapy.

www.TherapistLocator.net
A service of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Find therapists in your area trained in Marriage and Family Therapy.