2. Michael Jackson contains so much plastic that he will be melted down and turned into Lego, so children can play with him for a change.

3. Michael Jackson died of food poisoning - they found a nine year old weiner in his mouth.

4. BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson alive! He was earlier found in the children's ward, having a stroke.

5. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag? A: One's white, made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with, but the other carries your groceries.

6. Jackson's death is believed to be because when Farrah died earlier today, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children in the world to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson. It's a shame Jackson died before he could finish his book, The Ins And Outs of Child Rearing

7. The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

8. Michael Jackson donated his body to Coca-Cola. They're now using 75%-less material for their packaging.

Did you hear Michael Jackson's kids are free? That's not nice. I'm sorry. Ugh, I feel bad for saying that. LOOK A BLUE CAR!--Sarah K SilvermanTwitter: Sarah K Silverman