Knocked Up Quotes

This page contains quotes from the 2007 comedy film, Knocked Up. Knocked Up was written and directed by Judd Apatow and stars Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann.

The film is about two people named Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) and Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl) who have a random one-night stand that results in a pregnancy. The two, who seemingly have nothing in common, begin to date and eventually fall in love.

Warning: the following quotes may contain graphic language

• Debbie: "He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs."

• Pete: "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

• Ben: "Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles."

• Brent: [about Alison's vomiting] "You sound like Jabba the Hut dying."

• Jay: "I'm going to be there to rear your child."
• Jason: "You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!"

• Doorman: "You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there's a midget in the crowd."

• IMDb: Knocked Up Memorable Quotes
  • Debbie: "He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs."

• • Pete: "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

• • Alison Scott: "I was drunk!"
  • Ben Stone: "Was your vagina drunk?"

• • Debbie: [on subject of husbands] "You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!"

• • Martin: "F#%ck me in the beard."

• • Pete: "You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter."

• • Ben Stone: "Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles."

• • Female Doctor: "Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your a#%hole."

• • Brent: [about Alison's vomiting] "You sound like Jabba the Hut dying."

• • Debbie: "Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?"

• • Sadie: "I googled murder."

• • Jay: "I'm going to be there to rear your child."
  • Jason: "You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!"

• • Jay: "Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!"
  • Jonah: "What the f#%ck, man? If I go in there and see f#%ckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna f#%ckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a sh%t and my sh%t looked like a f#%ckin' stuffed animal!

• Wikiquote: Knocked Up
  • Ben: "You know what, I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, F#%CK YOU, HORMONES, YOU ARE A CRAZY BITCH, HORMONES--not Alison, HORMONES. F#%ck 'em. It's a girl, buy some pink sh#t."

• • Ben: "You don't know who Doc Brown is? He invented the DeLorean."

• • Allison: "You haven't had to sacrifice ANYTHING! I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina..."

• • Jonah: "I'm going to murderball you!"

• • Pete: "You look like Babe Ruth's older gay brother. Gabe Ruth."

• • Jason: "You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head."

• • Doorman: "I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and sh#t."

• • Doorman: "You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a midget in the crowd."

• MovieQuotes: Knocked Up Quotes
  • Pete: "Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love."

• • E! News Executive: "Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy! So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah."

• • Pete's Daughter: "Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your button falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby."