How to Write a Eulogy

Being asked to write and deliver a eulogy is a profound honor and should not be taken lightly.

How to Write a Eulogy offers tips on how to collect your remembrances of a loved one into a short speech to be delivered at a funeral or memorial service.

• A eulogy is a short speech given at a memorial service or funeral that pays tribute to the person who has passed away. It is, in the words of Esquire's Tom Chiarella, "the last word in the attempt to define the outlines of a life." While there is plenty of conventional advice available on preparing and delivering a eulogy, Chiarella's 2006 essay on the subject, "How to Give a Eulogy", is probably the best, and most of the following advice is drawn from that article:

1. Remember that It's an Honor: Being asked to give a eulogy is a gift. Never forget that. From Chiarella, "You were selected. You get to stand, face the group, the family, the world, and add it up. You're being asked to do something at the very moment when nothing can be done."
2. Remember that It's Not About You: A eulogy is not a vehicle for showing off your writing prowess or discussing your feelings. It is an opportunity to commemorate the person who has passed and invite everyone assembled to share in those memories.
3. Stick to the Allotted Time: Eulogies are typically 3-5 minutes in length. Stick to the time you've been allotted. A eulogy is just one part of the proceedings.
4. Find the Truth: Chiarella writes that a eulogy is above all else, "the simple and elegant search for small truths. They don't have to be truths that everyone agrees on, just ones they will recognize. This can be surprisingly hard, to take notice of the smallest, most unpolished details of a life and set them up for us to stare at in the wonder of recognition." Take the time to reflect on the person—did he love a cigar, was she good at keeping secrets, were her hands always cold, was he partial to corduroy jackets that smelled of smoke and old books, etc.
5. Remember the Rings of Loyalty: This is a concept of Chiarella's. In his words, there are "concentric rings of loyalty." "The people in the nearest ring, those in the front row, are owed the most. You should speak first to them. And then, in the next measure, to the room itself, which is the next ring, and only then to the physical world outside, the neighborhood, the town, the place, and then, just maybe, to the machinations of life-muffling institutions."
6. Write It Down: Do not speak off the cuff at a funeral. You owe it to the person who has passed to remember them with purpose and consideration.
7. Practice: You practice because it will be that much harder at the funeral not to cry, which you may, and when you do, you'll be able to continue because you've practiced.
8. Don't Use Quote Books or Poetry Unless You Knew It Before You Were Asked to Give a Eulogy: This advice comes from Chiarella, who also advises that you refrain from singing or doing imitations.
9. Make Them Laugh: Chiarella writes that, "Laughs are a pivot point in a funeral. They are your responsibility. The best laughs come by forcing people not to idealize the dead. In order to do this, you have to be willing to tell a story, at the closing of which you draw conclusions that no one expects." You create laughter not by inserting jokes, but by sharing the recognizable truth of someone's life—their imperfections and frailties.

• Esquire: How to Give a Eulogy

• EulogySpeech.net: Eulogy Speech Examples and Writing Guide

• About.com: How to Write a Eulogy

• About.com: Eulogies, Elegies & Speeches of Remembrance

• YouTube: Graham Chapman's Funeral (Time: 4:19)

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