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When it comes time to have "the talk" with your child about sex, you want to be ready, but how do you go about preparing for such a major conversation? You might have reservations that make you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, but don't let that stop you. Read on for some helpful tips on how to talk to your child about sex.
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Tips for Talking to Your Child
- Asses your comfort level.
- Seek advice from a trusted friend, doctor or spiritual adviser.
- Educate yourself.
- Start when they are young.
- As they grow, keep talking with them.
- Teach them how to make mature and responsible choices.
- Explain the responsibilities.
- Go over possible consequences.
- Answer any questions they might have.
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Step 1: Educate Yourself
- One of the greatest reasons parents balk at having to have the sex talk with their kids is the discomfort they feel talking about sex. Maybe their parents never talked to them, and it's possible they are afraid they won't know the right answers. You can begin by educating yourself. Arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can will also help to make you feel just a little more comfortable when it comes time to answer awkward questions.
- Assess your own comfort level before you begin. Discomfort often sends out negative messages that could confuse your children. About.com: Talking with Kids About Sex
- Sit down and talk with a trusted friend, medical professional or spiritual counselor. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- Studies show that parents with an open mind have kids who are more likely to feel comfortable talking with them and listening to what they have to say. Do your best to keep your mind open. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- Read everything you can.
- There are a number of helpful books on the market; take advantage of them. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- Seek out the resources made available to you by medical professionals and universities. CYFERnet: March is "Talk to Your Kids about Sex" Month
- You can often find this information in your local library.
- Use the Internet, but don't just rely on the first source you find. Compare resources to make sure they are well-researched and accredited.
- Take a look at current events. Use situations in the media to your advantage. WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
Step 2: Create a Safe Conversation Environment
- Talking to your kids about sex is probably the most important thing you will ever talk to them about. You don't want to rush the talk, or have it in an awkward place that leaves both of you feeling estranged. Here are some great tips on where and how to talk so your words reach your child's ears:
- Choose a conversation friendly place, like a quiet booth in an uncrowded restaurant. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Watch television together and use sexual examples as teaching points. Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About sex
- Take advantage of the media. The media is hitting closer to home with realistic topics, and you can draw on these situations to set examples or start conversations. Fox News: How to Talk With Your Child About Sex (June 19, 2008)
- Be approachable no matter what. You may want to set the tone for the perfect moment, but things don't always turn out how we plan. How To Do Things.com: http://www.howtodothings.com/family-and-relationships/a4731-how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-sex.html How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex]
- The car is a great place to talk because of the privacy it offers. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Above all, make sure the environment is safe, private and free from interruptions. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Another important factor parents should consider is making sure your child feels comfortable talking to both parents. There are misconceptions that only a mother or another female should talk to her daughter about sex, and the same with a father and son. But this is not necessarily true; both parents should be able to provide information. If they see that their parents have a healthy attitude about sex, they will follow that example. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
Step 3: It's Never Too Early to Start
- It is never too early to begin talking to your child about sex. From the day they are born, children begin learning. As they become toddlers, the knowledge they soak in from the world around them will begin to reflect everything from how they view relationships to how they see their own body. Between the ages three and five, children start to ask questions about their bodies. What makes boys different from girls and where do babies come from are both popular questions from this age group. WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex Here are some important things to keep in mind while talking to young children:
- Be honest. When they ask you where babies come from, don't rely on old folk tales. How To Do Things.com: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex
- Don't overdo it with details they won't understand. Straightforward, age-appropriate dialogue is best. WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex
- Do not use pet names for sexual organs. WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex
- Encourage your child's interest, and avoid embarrassing them by telling them not to talk about such things. Parent Center: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
- Teach them about privacy, and that their body is their own. Parent Center: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
- It is also important to stress that everyone needs privacy sometimes. This will be especially important later when talking to your child about things like masturbation. WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex
- If your child is older, start out by asking them what they know about sex. This will offer you a starting point. eHow: How To Talk To Your Child About Sex
- Base your discussion around your child's expressed interests, and don't go any further unless they ask more questions. Nine MSN: Talking to Your Kids About Sex
- Make yourself available at all stages of development to answer questions. Nine MSN: Talking to Your Kids About Sex
- Don't preach, judge or moralize with them. Fox News: How to Talk With Your Child About Sex (June 19, 2008) It will only push them away.
Keep Talking
- If you started talking to your toddler about her body when she was three years old, and kept up with her questions about where babies come from and how mommies and daddies fit into that equation, you've set a strong foundation to transition through as she ages. Her questions are going to increase and evolve as she does, thanks to the ever-changing world around her. One of the major mistakes parents make is thinking that they only need to talk about sex with their child once. Talking about sex should be a continuing dialogue between children and their parents. How to Do Things.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
Step 4: Preparing for Puberty
- As your child grows and their body starts to change with puberty, they will probably have a lot of questions about what they are feeling and going through. Be sure you address all the issues.
- Talk about the changes their bodies are going through, and what they mean.
- Address issues like emotional and peer pressure. MSNBC: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex Ed (August 1, 2006)
- Even if they embarrass you, be truthful about issues they ask to know more about, like petting and oral sex, diseases, the moral and ethical outcomes of being sexually active and how to prevent pregnancy. MSNBC: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex Ed (August 1, 2006)
- Masturbation is natural and not something to be embarrassed about. Do make sure they understand that it is a private thing. "WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Sexual fantasy is natural; let them know they shouldn't be ashamed. "WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Explain the function of hormones, and how they affect the body physically and emotionally. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- Talk with them about sexual identity. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
- Some kids might be confused about their sexual feelings and attractions. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005) Take time to listen, and don't judge what they have to say.
School Maturation Talks
- Many schools conduct a "sex and your body" health seminar anywhere between fourth and seventh grade, but not all schools do this. Even if your child's school does perform this type of seminar, the education should not stop there.
- If the school does hold a seminar, keep in mind that you can't rely on this as your child's sole source of information. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Teachers may not be as experienced or qualified as you'd hoped.
- The school system will more than likely not take your personal family values into consideration. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- You may want to ask the administration for copies of the presented material so you can review it and prepare to answer your child's questions.
- If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, buy a book and present it without pressure. MSNBC: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex Ed (August 1, 2006)
- You may want to include the offer to talk anytime, just so they know the door is always open.
Step 5: Responsibility and Consequence
- Along with answering questions and making your teen feel comfortable with the changes they are going through, you'll want to talk about the responsibilities and consequences associated with being sexually active. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
Responsibilities
- When to become sexually active is one of the most difficult choices many teens face. With factors like peer pressure and the longing many teens feel toward becoming adults, it's no wonder it's such a tough choice. While most parents would prefer that their children never become sexual beings, in the end it is a choice many parents may not factor into at all. One way to assure that you have a small voice in your teen's decision to become sexually active is to keep the lines of communication open, and to educate them on what it means to be a responsible sex partner. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry" Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
- Be honest about the consequences of irresponsible behavior. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry" Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
- Make sure they understand that it's never okay to pressure someone else into sexual a act, and it is equally unacceptable for them to be pressured by someone. eHow: How To Talk to Your Child About Sex
- Talk to them about the different types of birth control and protection, and let them know where they can find it. Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About sex
- Explain that sex goes beyond the physical, and carries emotional bonds that tie you to your partner. How To Do Things.com"How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- Teach them how to weigh out the pros and cons before making life-altering choices. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry" Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
- Share your moral and ethical views with them. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry" Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
Consequences
- When you take into consideration the startling pregnancy statistics for teenage girls, one has to wonder if those young women were educated about the consequences of becoming sexually active. It's no secret that many teenagers have a difficult time grasping consequences because they haven't happened yet. eHow: [http://www.ehow.com/how_18819_talk-child-about.html How to Talk To Your Child About Sex
- Many teens believe that you can't get pregnant:
- The first time you have sex Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- If you jump up and down after sex. Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- If you sit in a hot tub after sex. Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- If they have sex while the female is menstruating. Scarleteen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating Pregnancy and Pregnancy Risk Myths from Facts
- If you kill the male's sperm count before sex by consuming caffeine or alcohol. Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
- If a male ejaculates three times, and gets rid of all of his sperm before having intercourse. Scarleteen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating Pregnancy and Pregnancy Risk Myths from Facts
- If the male doesn't ejaculate during intercourse, or withdrawals before ejaculating. Scarleteen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating Pregnancy and Pregnancy Risk Myths from Facts
- Teens also have a lot of misconceptions about contracting STDs like:
- You can brush your teeth after oral sex to kill STDs you might have come in contact with. Scarlateen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating STI Myths from Facts
- Birth control pills protect them from contracting STDs. About.com: STD Myths and Facts
- Condoms come with small holes that allow disease and semen through. Scarlateen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating STI Myths from Facts
- Herpes can't be contracted from a sex partner unless he or she is having an outbreak. About.com: STD Myths and Facts
- Having intercourse in a pool or hot tub is safe because chlorine kills STDs Scarlateen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating STI Myths from Facts
- Drinking bleach will protect them from contracting HIV/AIDs. ABC Action News: Some Florida Teens Believe Drinking Bleach Prevents HIV/AIDS (April 2004)
- Some of these misconceptions are downright dangerous. Studies show that parents who explain the consequences of irresponsible sexual behavior have kids who are less likely to have unprotected sex, become pregnant and in some cases they delay or abstain from sex, choosing to wait until they are emotionally ready for the responsibilities that come with it. About.com: Do I Have to Talk With My Kids About Sex?
Step 6: What if Your Child is Already Sexually Active?
- If your teen is already sexually active, it's not too late. While you can't change the inevitable, there are a few things you can do to ensure that your teen makes responsible and healthy decisions.
- Let your teen know you are always there to listen, and offer your advice if they need it. eHow: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
- Make sure you offer to help them obtain proper protection and birth control. eHow: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
- Don't treat their sexuality like a problem. Sex is a natural part of human life, and a negative reaction could result in confusion. Fox News: How to Talk With Your Child About Sex (June 19, 2008)
- Share your own values, but don't preach! Preaching will turn them away, and they won't hear you at all. Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships
- In the event that they weren't ready but had sex anyway, let them know it's okay to start over. They can take on what is known as a second virginity, and choose not to have sex again until they are mentally ready for the responsibility that comes with it. ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk To Your Kids About Sex
Conclusion
- Watching our children grow into sexual beings is not an easy task, but it is a natural part of life. Early childhood education about the body and continued conversation as they grow will ensure that your child feels more confident about the changes they are going through. Be sure to keep the lines of communication open always, and your child will be more likely to make healthy and responsible decisions you can be proud of.
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