How to Park Like a Moron

If you're a moron with a car, you may already be familiar with the tips and suggestions on this page. However, if you are simply a regular person who's simply looking to learn how to Park like a moron, you've come to the right place.

Introduction

Parking doesn't have to be hazardous, but many morons attempt to make it as inconvenient, difficult and frustrating as possible. If you've considered parking like a moron in the past, this page might just be the refresher course you've been looking for.

Step 1: Park Directly on the Yellow Lines

The first rule of parking like a moron is to remember to never park in the center of your space. Get as close to the car beside you as you can, even scrape it if you have to. However, as long as two of your tires are touching the yellow line dividing your space from the space of the unfortunate person next to you, you've done your job. Bonus marks are awarded if you manage to block the driver's side door of the other vehicle. Don't worry, the owner can just crawl in the other side. He probably needs the exercise anyway.

Step 2: Take Up Two Spaces On Purpose

If you're the type that doesn't like your car scratched or dented, make sure to take up two parking spaces so no one can swing their door into the side of their vehicle. Do this in as busy a shopping center as possible and especially around the holiday season. People will appreciate your caution and not feel even slightly offended that you think you're entitled to twice the amount of space as everyone else. When you find your car vandalized, simply remind yourself that they are just jealous of you.

Step 3: Hit Everything

To make sure you're as far into your space as possible, simply proceed until you hear a thud. You can hit a wall, curb, tree, or the car on the opposing side. Any thud will do. Upon hearing and feeling this thud, you can either back away from the solid object by a foot or two, or simply put your vehicle in park and leave it there. Some say you can never really know your boundaries until you've tested them. If you've damaged the object or vehicle that you've hit, make sure to inspect the damage, but don't leave a note with your contact information. Some problems just go away by themselves.