Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to control and dominate a partner. Domestic violence comes in many forms, the most common types being physical, sexual, emotional. Friends and family members are often the first to notice signs of abuse in a relationship. This page sheds light on relationship abuse and offers tips on how to help a friend leave an abusive relationship.

It's sometimes difficult to know what to do when you recognize that your friend is in an abusive relationship. If you suspect, or know, that your friend or family member is being abused there are several steps you can take. Educating yourself and learning how to help a friend leave an abusive relationship is vital. Your friend's safety and life may depend on it. Read on to learn how to help a friend who is being abused.

• Be patient and don't give up on your friend.

• Be clear that the abuse is not your friend's fault in any way.

• Reaffirm your friend's strengths and reassure him or her often.

• Provide you friend with numbers to these National Domestic Abuse Hotlines: National Domestic Violence Helpline, 1-800-799-SAFE, National Sexual Assault Hotline1-800-656-HOPE, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474

• Seek professional assistance if neccessary.

If you are reading this article, you most likely already know someone who is a victim of abuse. Relationship abuse, or domestic violence is most often physical, sexual, or emotional. Abuse stems from the abuser's desire to control and maintain power over a partner. Abuse tends to escalate over time, so if you know a family member or friend is in an abusive relationship, it's important that you learn how to help.

Once you recognize the presence of abuse, it's time to act. Preparing yourself to offer information and assistance to a friend in need may very well save his or her life.

Educate yourself about any data and resources available for victims of domestic violence and abuse. Visit your local library or domestic violence program to borrow materials on abuse so that you can discuss and offer your friend hard facts not opinions. Providing your friend with specifics will do far more to help him or her and stress the gravity of the situation than merely stating how you feel about the relationship.

Reassure your friend that it is not his or her responsibility to stop the abuse, only to find protection and get away from it. Be careful not to accuse or make it about the victim or the victim's actions.

Approach the subject gently with your friend. Victims of domestic violence rarely come right out and tell others what is happening. Often, they are in denial of the situation, too. Don’t press for too many details before he or she is ready to share. Once you’ve opened the lines of communication, your friend will come to you when ready to talk.

Offer acceptance and support to your friend. Try not use words or actions that place blame on the victim. The abuse is never the victim's fault. Doing so will only reinforce what the abuser has been saying. Remember, abuse is not about anything the individual does to provoke the abuser to violence. It is about the abuser making a conscious choice to abuse out of the desire for control over the partner.

Maintain contact with your friend. Check in regularly to make sure he or she is okay. Set up an inconspicuous code word or phrase that your friend can use if it's necessary to exit the situation quickly. For instance, the phrase, “There’s a great sale on towels today,” might really mean I need you to meet me at the corner in 15 minutes. Agree to only use the code word or phrase in an emergency situation.

Be patient and respect the decisions your friend makes. Recognize that there are barriers and it may take time before your friend finally leaves the abusive relationship. Even once your friend decides to leave the relationship it may still take a while before the move happens. In the meantime, don’t give up on him or her and offer reassurance that you are there to help.

Offer your friend more than the typical lip service. In order to leave an abusive relationship, he or she will need real help, such as a safe place to go and cash in the pocket. If you are financially able, open up a joint account with your friend to allow a safe place to store and accumulate money that is not accessible to the abuser. Make sure to provide a safe address and your name on the account. And remember, it is possible to offer support while allowing your friend to keep his or her dignity. The abuser has already taken enough of that away.

Encourage and offer to help your friend create a personal safety plan to increase his or her safety. Address issues such as:

1. Noticeable patterns in the abuser’s behavior that make him or her more violent
2. Where your friend will go when he or she leaves
3. Individuals to contact for help
4. Community and legal resources available to keep stay safe
5. A safe location to store money, extra keys, important documents, medications, bank account information and phone numbers that will be need if he or she has to leave suddenly

Accept that your friend may need help that goes beyond your abilities or expertise. Reach out to local resources like crisis hotlines, shelters and support groups to find out other ways your friend can receive help to leave the abusive relationship and stay safe.

• Don't give orders or make moral judgments based on your feelings. It is his or her life. The decision to leave needs to come from your friend - not you.
• Don't offer pity. Your friend needs your support and reassurance, not your pity. Feeling sorry for him or her won’t help get out of the abusive situation.
• Don't trivialize the abuse or offer unrealistic assurance. Avoid making promises that everything will be fine. Your friend already knows everything isn’t okay and it will only downgrade the seriousness of the abusive relationship. He or she will benefit more from a realistic assessment of the situation and viable options.
• Don't encourage a friend to return to an abusive situation for the sake of children or to try to make the relationship work. The abuse was not your friend’s fault and nothing he or she does or doesn’t do will change the outcome.
• Don't act in any way that puts your friend or you in more danger. Always act rationally and cautiously when dealing with an abusive situation. No matter how much you want to confront the abuser on his or her behalf, remember that doing so may very well put your friend, and you, in more danger.

http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/ http://www.whbw.org/ http://www.ezinearticles.com/?Helping-A-Friend-In-An-Abusive-Relationship&id=242643 http://erc.tulane.edu/counseling/HelpAbusive.htm http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml