How to Drive Like a Moron While Texting

Categories: Technology & Internet | Comedy

  • This unbelievably helpful page will teach you how to drive like a moron while texting. If you're a moron anyway, consider adding this important multitasking skill to your existing driving "downtime."

  • Disclaimer

    Do not follow any of the advice on this page. Always pay attention and stay alert as you drive. Driving is a serious responsibility. Leave driving like a moron to someone else.

  • Introduction

    Driving while texting allows you to get more unimportant things done while putting your life in serious danger. For some morons, that's a fair trade. Read on to learn this particular form of recklessness in three easy steps.

  • Step 1: Type With Both Hands

    Cars are smart. With all the modern technology we have now, they practically drive themselves! Feel free to let go of the steering wheel entirely and text with both hands. You'll bang out messages in half the time. Don't worry about an emergency situation arising, as if you suddenly need to steer, you still have both knees. Novice texters may assume they can only use one knee, but as long as you're using cruise control, your feet don't need to be anywhere near the pedals.

  • Step 2: Focus On the Task at Hand

    Make sure to focus your attention where it's needed most: your text messaging. Looking up at the road can cause spelling errors, and you may even forget what you were writing entirely! You can't trust T9 to catch everything, so make sure to review your message to confirm that it's perfect before looking up at the roadway again. If you can complete and send a message without looking up once, award yourself 100 imaginary productivity points.

  • Step 3: Consider Additional Tasks

    Texting can include downtime, especially when you are waiting for a reply. To rectify this obvious problem, consider adding in other productive tasks when you have nothing else to do as you drive. You can apply lipstick, surf the web on your phone or even shave. Surely you'll think of something.

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