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Dealing with difficult people can be hard because they often trigger emotional responses within us. However, learning a few strategies and tips can help you keep your own cool and resolve the situation.
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Dealing With Difficult People Tips
- Don't be defensive.
- Don't respond in kind to bad behavior.
- Learn to control your own reactions.
- Listen is the best way to learn about problems.
- Be empathetic towards the person.
- Don't lose your perspective.
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Introduction
- Difficult people are everywhere. You find them on the streets, at work, in stores and even in your own home. Learning to deal with these people is essential, because there are just too many of them to avoid. It's not that they outnumber the "normal" people, instead it is because no matter how "normal" a person may be, at some point they will become one of the "difficult ones."
- There is no one method that is effective for dealing with difficult people. The techniques that work best for you will not only fit your personal style, but also fit the particular circumstances of a conflict.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People What works one time may not work the next, but there are a few fundamentals that will help you deal with most situations.
- YouTube: Dealing with Difficult People Versus Them Dealing with You! (Time: 14:43)
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What Not to Do
- When dealing with a difficult person, there are some things that you should not do. These things will simply make the problem worse and can make finding an effective method of dealing with the situation more difficult.
- Don't be defensive. You only need a defense if you've done something wrong. If you haven't, then let the criticism or complaint go.Dumb Little Man: How to Understand and Deal with Difficult People (September 22, 2008) This can be difficult, since our brains are wired to naturally jump to our own defense.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People (September/October 2006)
- Don't explain, which can be interpreted as either attacking or retreating.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- Don't act or react with anger or intolerance.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People (September/October 2006) Such reactions will only make things more difficult.
- Don't take it personally.Dumb Little Man: How to Understand and Deal with Difficult People (September 22, 2008) The other person is not difficult because of some flaw in you. They are difficult with everyone.
- Don't blame yourself or the other person for conflicts. It is more likely that your two personalities do not fit well together.About.com: Tips on Dealing With Difficult People
- Don't do anything if the person is yelling until he or she stops. Try asking him or her to speak slower, which makes it more difficult to yell.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- Don't respond to bad behavior by behaving badly. If you want someone to stop yelling, lower your own voice. It can help de-escalate the situation.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- Don't make character attacks or try to be "right".About.com: Conflict Resolution - Ten Conflict Resolution Mistakes To Avoid
Step 1: Start With Yourself
- It is much easier to control your own reactions than to control someone else's reactions.About.com: Tips on Dealing With Difficult People You should strive to act in a manner that does not make the situation worse.
- Trying to control the other person usually makes things worse by causing power struggle, defensiveness and criticism.About.com: Tips on Dealing With Difficult People
- Make sure you are not overreacting to the problem. Is the situation new or something you have experienced before, perhaps more than once?About.com: Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work, p.2 Sometimes the problem may not be the other person, but yourself.
- Identify your emotional triggers.About.com: Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work, p.2 We all have "buttons" that can trigger emotional responses.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People Knowing what yours are will help you control them.
- Prepare yourself for conflicts by learning relaxation techniques and assertive skills. Preparation is especially important for predictable problems with difficult people that you cannot avoid.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- Review your own actions to see if there is anything that you may have done that escalated the problem.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People Perhaps there were things you could have done that you could do in the future to avoid a repetition of the problem.
Step 2: Ask Questions and Listen
- Listening and asking questions, known as the Socratic method is a great method of learning.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2 (September/October 2006) The less you know and understand about a situation, the harder it will be to resolve it.
- Start by asking the person why they are upset. This fosters communication instead of arguing. It also puts the responsibility for resolution upon the other person.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2 (September/October 2006) Then, listen to what the person has to say.
- Listening allows the person to vent their feelings.Michigan Courts: Winning over Difficult Customer
- Use good listening behavior such as nodding, maintaining eye contact and giving small verbal responses.Michigan Courts: Winning over Difficult Customer
- Don't respond until the other person has had his or her say.Michigan Courts: How to Deal Difficult Customers
- Try asking for advice instead of giving answers. If you try to give answers, the person may feel attacked or criticized.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- Ask them what they would like to see you do.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People
Step 3: Take a Moment
- If you feel yourself getting emotional, then you need to take a moment. This may require you to find a temporary way out of the situation.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People This can be as simple as asking for a moment to think.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- It will be easier for you to handle the situation once you've calmed down.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2 (September/October 2006)
- Use the time to discuss the situation with a friend or co-worker. This should be a brainstorming session where you explore ways to solve the situation.About.com: Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work, p.2
Step 4: Use Empathy
- Not only does everybody have to deal with difficult people, but at times we become one of them. Therefore, it is a good idea to start by placing yourself in the other person's shoes.
- If you try to see things through their eyes while keeping an open mind, then you will gain a whole new perspective on things.Dumb Little Man: How to Understand and Deal with Difficult People (September 22, 2008)
- Communicate what you think the person is feeling and then ask for feedback. This shows that you are trying to understand their point of view.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2 (September/October 2006)
- Don't overdo and sound too patronizing or empathetic.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- If empathizing is difficult, then analyze the person's behavior.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- Don't confuse empathy with sympathy, which occurs when you over-identify with the person.Michigan Courts: Winning over Difficult Customer
- Offering an apology is a great way to show empathy. You don't have to apologize for your actions to express regret that the person is having a difficult time.Michigan Courts: Winning over Difficult Customer
Step 5: Find a Solution
- When a difficult person is causing problems in your life, you need to find a solution. How you deal with the person depends on many different factors. There are times where it may be better to walk away from the conflict, and others when it would be best to confront the problem.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People
- You may not be able to solve the situation immediately.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- Don't focus on trying to get rid of the person or finding a winner.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- Try having a private discussion with the person.About.com: Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work, p.2
- Remember to use "I-messages" that focus on what you are feeling and not on blaming the other person.athealth.com: Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
- Focus on the behavior, not the person.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2
- Be specific about what is bothering you and what you would like to change.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2
- Sometimes you can solve the problem by eliminating the person from your life. This can be done by switching jobs, transferring, or reducing the person's access to you.About.com: Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work, p.3
- Stay focused on your goal.albernstein.com: Dealing with Difficult People What do you want to get out of the interaction?
Step 6: Keep Things in Perspective
- Above all, when dealing with a difficult person, it is important to keep the situation in perspective.
- Ask yourself how important is that person's opinion? Are they making a judgment based on all the facts?Dumb Little Man: How to Understand and Deal with Difficult People (September 22, 2008) Usually, the answer is no. Therefore, you should take their comments and criticisms with a grain of salt.
- Can you learn something about yourself from the experience?Dumb Little Man: How to Understand and Deal with Difficult People (September 22, 2008) Anytime you can learn something, you've walked away from the situation a better person.
- Focus on the positive aspects of the other person. It will help make the other person feel more appreciated, resulting in less conflict.About.com: Tips on Dealing With Difficult People
- Try to find a way to put the difficult person to good use.Goodhousekeeping.com: Dealing with Difficult People, p.2
- Try not to waste too much energy and time focusing on the negative experience. Sometimes, you just have to let things go.ThinkSimpleNow.com: Dealing with Difficult People
Conclusion
- Now that you have learned how to deal with difficult people, you might find that there are less of them in your life. One of the best things about learning how to deal with any difficult situation is that it makes the situation disappear.
When to Confront
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Confronting is not necessarily about attacking. Sometimes it is good to address the situation head on. People may use humor or sarcasm as a method of confronting the person. However, this does not work for all people in all situations.
YouTube: Conversations with Difficult People: Speak or Stay Silent? (Time: 3:58)
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When we are attacked, our natural reaction is to freeze, fight or flee. Controlling this reaction can be difficult.Psychology Today: Dealing with Difficult People (September/October 2006) When attacked, we
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