Being involved in a codependent relationship can leave you feeling you can't live without another particular person, and need to constantly seek out the approval of this same person. All of these behaviors expand and intensify as time progresses, coalescing to a point where they hamper one's personal and interpersonal development. Codependency is often a vehicle to evade hurtful and emotionally traumatic episodes from one's past.http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Needless to say, this is not conducive to one's mental health. So, read on, to learn How to Avoid Codependent Relationships.

Avoiding a codependent relationship involves: self awareness, knowledge of what codependency is, devotion to self, professional guidance and dedication.

One must be willing to recognize the problem and, more importantly, to actively resolve it.

Reading an article such as this is a good first step. In the following sections you will find a road map to help you know How to Avoid Codependent Relationships.

Whether you are currently involved in one, or just feel vulnerable about getting into one, the following steps can be used to establish a basic framework for codependency avoidance.

There is no time limit involved, there are no special tools or materials attached to the process. You, and you alone set the pace.

What is codependency? The dictionary defines it as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition; broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another.http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/codependency

That is a clinical definition. How can we define codependency in a more practical way, more applicable to our daily lives? It is perhaps clearer to define codependency using the common lexicon:

Codependency can be a person trying to gain control by pleasing others; being a chameleon, modifying their reaction from one person to another just to get the approval of each; dawning a facade, always hiding their true feelings, opinions or emotions, so as not to risk offending another; or "dancing to the tune of other people," allowing others to set the tone of your own judgment and opinions.

When these behaviors become chronic, it is safe to assume that one is codependent.

Obviously, it is impossible to cover the topic broadly in a single article, so it is strongly recommended that you do thorough research on this subject. There are literally thousands of titles on the subject available online and at your local book store. If you read only one, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself written by Melody Beattie is strongly suggested. It was one of the first books to treat the subject of codependency from the point of view of the afflicted party and not from a clinical eye.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/1568387385/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3

Regardless of which book you read, please read at least one to get a broader and deeper sense of the causes and manifestations of codependency. Knowledge is the key to solving any issue.

Once you have done your reading and have a more detailed grasp of what codependency is, then you must undergo a process of self examination.

The best way to go about this is to keep a small journal documenting your behavior for a one week period. Choose a week that is fairly routine. You want to capture a snapshot of your ordinary life cycle, so avoid moments of extremes, such as vacations, moving, job changes, etc.

In the journal, you will have a heading for each day of the week. Each day's entries will be sub-divided into the following categories:

1. Controlling behavior
2. Distrust
3. Perfectionism
4. Avoidance of feelings
5. Intimacy problems
6. Caretaking behavior
7. Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
8. Physical illness related to stress
   
   

During the course of each day, you will record every instance when your behavior manifests itself in one of the categories mentioned above. Make a brief entry about the circumstances around it and make a note of who the person you were interacting with, when that codependent behavior occurred.

Example:

Monday, October 5, 2009

Avoidance of Feelings

John asked me if I was OK, I smiled and said I was fine even though I was still very upset about his comments about my weight last night. JOHN

For the duration of the week in which you are keeping the journal, make sure to capture each instance when your behavior demonstrates one of these categories. Keep it updated, but do not read the previous entries that you have made. You want to keep focused on chronicling the events of the moment, not reflect on what happened in the days prior, as this may hamper the accuracy of recording events for the remaining days.

At the conclusion of the seven days, allocate a time and place where you can be alone and free of distractions, like a quiet park, a library, a coffee shop are some good places. There, you will read through your journal, from beginning to end. Read it through once completely, then, on your second reading, do some analysis, paying close attention to the following two questions:

1. Are there certain categories that have more entries than others?
2. Are there certain people that appear more than others?
   
   

For some, reading the journal can be an emotional experience. Do not feel badly if you react in this way. Likewise, if you merely find it informative, that is fine as well. All people react differently.

After reviewing your journal, answer the 20 questions from Mental Health America regarding identification of codependency.http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
    
    

Is there a magic chart based on the answers to these 20 questions? No, but what is important is that you now have a snapshot of your behavior patterns. This will be important, as you will see in the following steps.

The previous step should have served as an eye opener for you. It should have made you aware of some things which you may have suspected about yourself before, and others which took you completely by surprise.

Being aware of yourself and your behavior now puts you in control of charting a course to emerge from codependency.

If based from your journal and the MHA questionnaire you determined that a particular person emerges as the pairing for your codependency, make a list of why you want to be with that person as opposed to why you need to be with that person. If you can articulate the difference between wanting to be with someone, and needing to be with someone you will be on your way to being able to break the codependency ties.

For some, it will be enough to conclude the self examination phase to begin to emerge from codependency, for others it will require the support of family and friends, yet for others it will require outside support, such as counseling, support groups or professional help.

Use your journal and original questionnaire answers as points of reflection and to chart your progress. If you attend a support group or seek professional guidance share these with them. The information you have documented will to give others keener insight on your individual situation.

There is no magic formula for emerging out of, or avoiding codependency. The key is being aware of yourself. Whatever path you take, always remember that the value in any relationship comes from wanting to be with that person, not needing to be with them. Wanting to be with someone adds wealth and depth to the bonds of that relationship. Needing to be with someone wears away these bonds.

Remember, one should not feel shame in seeking professional guidance in matters such as these. Some helpful online resources to help you find communal support, and qualified professionals to help you through the process of self awareness are here:

NMHA.org

Codependents.org