The book is a retelling of Dustin Diamond's life growing up in front of the camera on Saved By The Bell to uncover Hollywood's myths about Zack, Kelly, Lisa and the Gang.

Intro: What Else am I Going to Write About? This is All I Have.

Chapter 1: As a Child, I Was Just a Mere Future-Douche.

Chapter 2: Remember Saved by the Bell? Well, I Was on it. I Was the Weird Looking One!

Chapter 3: Mario Lopez Stole All My Pussy. Then I Foreshadow How He Rapes Me in Chapter 10.

Chapter 4: Mark-Paul Gosselaar Was a Dick and Got Everyone to Call Me “Jew Bag”.

Chapter 5: Principal Belding Showed Me his Penis One Time.

Chapter 6: I Totally Sucked Principal Belding’s Penis That Time.

Chapter 7: I’ve Jacked Off to Tiffani-Amber Thiessen an Obscene Amount of Times. She’s Caught Me 47 Times

Chapter 8: Everyone Did Drugs. Elizabeth Berkley Got So Scared

Chapter 9: I Don’t Even Know Lisa Turtle’s Real Name.

Chapter 10: I Was Raped by Mario Lopez.

Chapter 11: That Show “Dawson’s Creek” Ripped Us Off.

Chapter 12: I Used to Party with Will Smith. And I Name Drop Some People I Used to Totally Hang With.

Chapter 13: Leah Remini Let Me Stick the Tip In.

Chapter 14: I am a Child Star Cliche.

Chapter 15: My Debt is Ridiculous. 1993 Was a Long Time Ago.

Chapter 16: I Don’t Understand Why Everyone Got Other Acting Jobs, Except for Me.

Chapter 17: Suicide Note