Desperate Housewives Quotes

Categories: Entertainment | Television | Quotes
    • Created by Mark Cherry
    • New Episodes Sundays at 9pm
    • Tagline: "Everyone has a little dirty laundry."
    • Show will air until May 2011

  • Emmy and Golden Globe award winning drama-comedy Desperate Housewives is a prime time television series that showcases the lives of the women that live on Wisteria Lane a street in the fictional American town of Fairview, Eagle State.

  • Starring

    1. Nicollette Sheridan as Edie Britt
    2. Eva Longoria as Gabrielle Solis
    3. Marcia Cross as Bree Hodge
    4. Felicity Huffman as Lynette Scavo
    5. Teri Hatcher as Susan Delfino

  • Quotes

    1. "Look, if by kindness you mean sex... "
    2. "Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, Hey, I once killed a man."
    3. "Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house."
    4. "Why are all rich men such jerks?"
    5. "Of course I believe in evil -- I work in real estate."
    6. "It's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap."
    7. "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."

  • Desperate Housewives Quotes on Amazon

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  • Desperate Housewives Quotes Questions

    lemonf...
    Quotes 1 Answer
    SparkNotes or CliffsNotes. SparkNotes had a whole page on important quotes: http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/raisin/quotes.html read more
    myname...
    Who died on Desperate Housewives? Spoilers... 1 Answer
    edie dies. read more
    nickel...
    I have been on Paxil 20ml for the past 5 yrs and have gained 35lbs. How can I lose this weight. I am desper 2 Answers
    It doesn't seem like 35lbs in 5yrs is that big of a deal. If you're looking to let go of 35lbs immediately AND safely, there's probably no way to do that. It s... read more
    caroli...
    Who did Mike marry in the Desperate Housewives finale? 1 Answer
    Well, that's the big cliffhanger, isn't it? We didn't get to see the bride, so no-one knows (apart from the writers) who Mike actually married! We'll know in ju... read more
    more view more questions...

  • Bree Van De Kamp (Marcia Cross)

    • IMDb: Desperate Housewives Memorable Quotes
      • "I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm."
      • "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it."
    • Entertainment Weekly: Desperate Housewives Quotes
      • "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that."

  • Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher)

    • IMDb: Desperate Housewives Memorable Quotes
      • "You know, what else were doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God as my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell before I *ever* feel sorry for you again!"
    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • "So that's my number in case there's any change in Mike's condition. I'm going to the mountains with a friend. And, uh, just in case you were wondering, it's strictly platonic."
    • Wikiquote: Desperate Housewives Quotes
      • (To Bongo, Mike's dog) "If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave. (Bongo turns around) No! Wait! Don't go!"

  • Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong)

    • IMDb: Desperate Housewives Memorable Quotes
      • "An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look."
      • "Each year as part of their fund-raising drive, the Fairview Adventure Scouts would award a shiny new bike to whoever sold the most magazine subscriptions. And each scout would set out utterly convinced the prize would be hers. That's the beauty of youth. Little girls believe anything is possible...that is, until they grow up and get divorced."
    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • "Have you met the perfect couple? The two soul mates whose love never dies? The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened. The husband and wife who trust each other completely. If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. They stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other."

  • Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman)

    • IMDb: Desperate Housewives Memorable Quotes
      • "My favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't! Like..."pipe down, you annoying nutjob!". I could NEVER say that."
      • "Why don't I just put (the kids) back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?"
    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • "Next Spring, we're going to do 'Bambi' and his mother is going to take a slug to the heart... and you're gonna like it!"

  • Edie Britt (Nicollette Sheridan)

      • "Well, someone might as well say it... Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"
    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • "Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!"

  • Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria)

    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • "You know what the doctor said. You should see his cholesterol. This man bleeds bacon grease."
    • Entertainment Weekly: Desperate Housewives Quotes
      • "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."
    • Wikiquote: Desperate Housewives Quotes
      • "John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? no future!"

  • Other Characters

    • Wikiquote: Desperate Housewives Quotes
      • Carlos Solis (Ricardo Antonio Chavira): "At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."
      • "Andrew Van De Kamp (Shawn Pyfrom): "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."
    • Classic TV Quotes: Episode Quotes
      • Danielle Van De Kamp (Joy Lauren): "You know, Andrew is not the only one having a rough year. I'm the one whose boyfriend got shot in front of her."
      • Tom Scavo (Doug Savant): "Lynette, I can keep my children alive. When you left this morning, there were four. When you came home, there were still four. When you come home and there are only three, then you get to lecture me."

  • Dialogue

    • IMDb: Desperate Housewives Memorable Quotes
      • Gabrielle Solis: "Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids."
      • Carlos Solis: "Deals are meant to be renegotiated."
      • Gabrielle Solis: "We're not negotiating my uterus."
      • Andrew Van De Kamp: "Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her."
      • Bree Van De Kamp: "No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me..."
      • Andrew Van De Kamp: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad."
      • Paul Young (Mark Moses): "Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?"
      • Edie Britt: "Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here."
      • Paul Young: "Is there any other option?"
      • Edie Britt: "Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die..."
      • Rex Van De Kamp (Steven Culp): "For God's sake, you promised to be supportive."
      • Bree Van De Kamp: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?"
      • Carlos Solis: "Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?"
      • Gabrielle Solis: "Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya."

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