Death Spank: Thongs of Virtue is part two of the Death Spank saga from Ron Gilbert, creator of Monkey Island. Players continue the quest of Death Spank, wise-cracking hero extraordinaire, as he journeys to find the long-lost Thongs of Virtue. An RPG in the style of Baldur's Gate and Diablo, Death Spank: Thongs of Virtue has hundreds of new weapons, exotic locations and quests for the player to perform. Mixing frantic action with an irreverently humorous tone and plot, Death Spank: Thongs of Virtue is a stripped-down RPG with hours of easy fun for the casual gamer.

Death Spank, heroic warrior and adventurer, has escaped from his orque prison and is on a quest to find the seven Thongs of Virtue: mighty and powerful garments with awesome powers of evil and corruption. As Death Spank journeys through his strangely-cylindrical world he encounters dangerous and strange creatures, conniving and devious enemies, warzones and towns and hundreds of amusing characters...yet each step takes him closer to the truth that he has been chosen to wear one of the Thongs of Virtue himself. Will it corrupt him or will his heroic ways and winning smile triumph in the end?

1. Collect the food and scrap metal in the kitchen and proceed down the path. One irregular soldier attacks.
2. Collect the semi-auto pistol in the box above the path. Several irregular soldiers attack.
3. In the area beyond the path 10+ irregular soldiers, 2 snipers, several irregular troopers and an irregular medic attack. Collect the double-axe and the fortune cookie to your left.
4. Three snipers and 10 soldiers attack at the end of the area. Open the gate to proceed.
5. Five snipers and five soldiers attack on the path just past the gate.
6. Enter the P.O.W. camp and talk to 3 P.O.W.s to learn of their plan to break out. You must find an orque soldier uniform, forge ID papers and learn the secret password.

1. Exit the camp through the gate on the right. 10+ jungle beasts attack once you're outside.
2. Proceed down the path to your right. Several chickens attack once you reach the bridge across the water.
3. 10 chickens and one large chicken attack on the other side of the bridge. Take out the large chicken to gain something to write with and proceed across the bridge below you.
4. 5 more chickens attack at the end of the bridge. Proceed along the path to your right to collect the money in the chest beyond.
5. Head back towards the POW camp. Near the camp gate there's a bridge leading across a small river. Head across it and take out the 10 jungle beasts and 1 large jungle beast to collect the five pieces of the orque soldier's uniform.
6. Proceed down the path to your left. Several jungle squid attack; kill enough of them and you'll gain the ink you need to forge your ID papers.
7. Continue down the path; 10 smear-o-goos and one oozing creeper stand between you and the orque wall. Take them all out to collect the paper you need to write your ID.
8. Stick around the wall to learn the orque's password. You should now have all three quest items.
9. Head back to the drawbridge (it's to the right of the large house where you fought all the jungle beasts). Create your ID from the items in you inventory, give the orque guard the password, and proceed across the bridge.

1. Across the drawbridge are 10 orque soldiers of various types. Take them out and open the gate to allow the POWS to escape.
2. Proceed down the hallway to the orque commander. 10 troopers, 5 gunners and 3 flamethrower orque soldiers attack in the area nearby.
3. The orque commander won't attack until you approach him. He uses melee and lasers attacks, and while you fight him planes drop bombs and paratrooper orques to harass you.
4. Once you've defeated the orque commander, proceed through opened gate to your left.
5. Collect the treasure inside the chest and barrels and continue on into the next area.
6. In the next area, check the teleportation outhouse to uncover some of the map.
7. Continue down the path. You run into your red-headed accomplice from the last game and she begins to fill you in on what you've missed while trapped inside the POW camp.

1. You now have several new quests: you must find the Thongs of Virtue and bring them to the Fires of Bacon. More immediately, however, you must deliver a package to an Army General.
2. Check the teleportation outhouse to uncover more of the map. Speak to the soldier to your left to begin the Orque Comm Tower quest.
3. Exit the area and proceed through Le Battlefied to the left. A few orque scouts and soldiers attack the farther left you go.
4. Proceed to the unexploded bomb; the Orque Comm Tower is nearby. Once you've located it, head back to the soldier.
5. Receive the dynamite and the "Oddly warm gloves" from the soldier and return to the Comm Tower to destroy it. A few orque soldiers pop up along your way.
6. Destroy the tower with the dynamite and return to the soldier. He gives you another quest: attack the orque troopers and steal their plans.
7. Head left again, this time as far as you can go before you hit the edge of the map. You'll run into a group of orque troopers and one orque colonel. Take out the colonel to get the battle plans and head back to the soldier to finish the quest.
8. You must now bring the plans and your package to the general. He's in the town to the north. Leave Le Battlefield and proceed north to the town.

1. Head west from the small camp to the outpost (it will be marked on your map if you get lost).
2. Talk to the soldier at the outpost to begin the "Buy a new helmet" quest; you can purchase a new helmet for the soldier at a store in La Beaux Knuckelle to the north.
3. Speak to the soldier at the docks to receive the bazooka you'll need to clear the mega-bomb from your path.
4. Proceed down the wooden docks. When you reach the next area, you're attacked by 10 orque troopers and trooper gunners. Use the bazooka to clear away the mega-bomb and collect all the goodies left behind by the explosion.
5. Head back the soldier to finish the quest and receive your reward ("Greatest Generation" shoulder armor). Proceed across the docks to the bridge previously blocked by the mega-bomb.
6. Once you cross the bridge, a bomb falls and blows it up. Head into the weapons store to purchase the helmet for the soldier at the docks.
7. The shopkeeper gives you two packages to deliver: one for Farmer Brizbane and one for Captain Taint.
8. Use the teleportation outhouse nearby to transport back to the docks. Give the helmet to the soldier to complete the quest and return to the town.

1. Talk to the Army medic in the town square to start the supplies quest; you must go north to the Sanctuary to get some supplies and bring them back to the medic.
2. Talk to Lucy nearby to start the Dr. Eisenbein quest; you must search the wilderness for Lucy's father and let her know when you find him.
3. Talk to the Radio Host to begin the radio towers quest; go to the Eisenbein place to collect vacuum tubes needed to fix the radio towers.
4. Talk to the Locksmith to begin his quest; you must find his chest to the north and describe the lock to him so that he can forge a new key.
5. Proceed to Fort Discharge to talk to the Army General. You give him the package and the plans and he lets you in on his plan to invade the North Pole.
6. You get three quests from the General: you must find a piece of pure gold, more gun parts and a detailed plan of Santa's North Pole base.

1. Proceed down the path leading north. The Locksmith's chest appears; investigate it to see what the lock looks like and report back to the Locksmith.
2. Receive the key from the Locksmith and use it to open the chest. Collect the grocery list inside and return it to the Locksmith to finish the quest.
3. Head back down the path, turning left when you see the sign for the Eisenbein residence. 6-10 robots attack you in the next area.
4. You must destroy the robots to collect the vacuum tubes. Once you've collected all 8 vacuum tubes, return to the Radio Host in the town to finish the quest.
5. Head north along the path. Proceed past the sign to the Eisenbein residence into the area beyond. A group of orque troopers ambush you.
6. Continue north to the Blizbane homestead. Deliver the package to Farmer Blizbane. Talk to him again to start his robot quest: destroy the robots that attack his zappers.
7. Continue moving to the right, past the orque drawbridge into the next area. 10-15 robots attack.
8. Destroy 10 robots to collect their heads; return to Farmer Blizbane to finish his quest.

1. Proceed up the path to the north. A small group of orque troopers and gunners attack.
2. The path hooks to the left. Continue to follow it; three orque flamethrowers attack.
3. Further up the path the ground becomes more war-torn; 5-8 orque troopers and gunners attack, along with 4 orque flamethrowers.
4. Don't miss the first photo-op location; it should be right next to the wrecked building in the center of the area.
5. Continue west through the war-torn area; 10 more orque gunners and troopers attack as you approach the next photo-op location (it's right in front of the half-burned house).
6. The third photo-op location is next to the downed plane, just past the half-burned house. A few more orques are nearby.
7. Talk to the man standing near the dock just past the third photo-op. He gives you his quest: you must slay the greem queen in order to avenge his father (who isn't dead but did get his feelings hurt).
8. Return to the radio host in the village to finish the photo-op quest. He'll ask you to repair his three radio towers with the tubes you brought him.
9. Go to Fort Discharge and talk to the General's PA; he asks you to deliver some important papers to the Navy Captain.
10. The captain is at the docks to the south, near Le Battlefield. After you deliver the papers, he asks you to collect some oil for him from the Eisenbein Residence.

1. If you haven't already, go to the Ima and Strunken Farm near the Destroyed City to the north. You can either convince them to repair their marriage or inadvertently cause them to divorce.They will let you take free lemons from their tree either way.
2. Speak to Farmer to begin his donkey dung quest; collect donkey dung for him by killing jungle donkeys.
3. Proceed past the docks to the north of the Destroyed City; by now you should have accomplished most of the quests in the village/Destroyed City area, so you can drop the drawbridge and proceed to the next region.
4. Past the docks, 10+ orque gunners and troopers attack.
5. Lower the drawbridge by activating the switch. Another of the Locksmith's chests is nearby; observe the lock and report back to the Locksmith in the village to get the key.
6. NOTE: by now you should be using the teleportation outhouses to get around; they're much faster than walking. Whenever you see an outhouse, select it to broaden your view of the map and allow you to use it.

1. Take some time to finish up any quests you have left over in this area (you can always come back and finish them), then teleport to the Blizbane farm and cross the orque drawbridge.
2. Several orque gunners and an orque flamethrower attack once you cross the bridge.
3. You can now finish the radio tower quest for the radio host back in the village. The first radio tower to fix is east from the drawbridge. As you approach it you'll be attacked by bazooka orques and more flamethrowers.
4. Fix the tower and 5 orque elites attack.
5. Continue moving down the path, now leading south-east. In the next area (Blizbane Farmland), you're attacked by undead enemies. Kill them to collect their bones (you must collect 35 thigh bones).
6. There are more undead enemies to the north along the path; more appear if you approach the bone piles.
7. After taking out all the skeletons and collecting their bone (creepy...), proceed up the path to the left towards the next radio tower. A few orque troopers attack when you fix it.
8. Head back to the Blizbane Farmlands to finish the bone quest.
9. NOTE: Once you have 35 thighs, you can report back to Farmer Blizbane to finish the quest. He'll give you a new quest: deliver the thigh bones to the Demon Witch of the North, in exchange for a magic ward.
10. The third radio tower is east (right) of the second Blizbane Farmlands area, near the orque blockade. A few orques attack once you fix it
11. A soldier at the camp just past the blockade gives you a quest: kill the giant pips and take their teeth to keep them from joining the orques.
12. If you haven't done so yet, collect the oil for the Navy captain. Bring it back to his location at the docks and you'll find a note: he'll be waiting in the east for you and the oil.
13. Return to the Blizbane Farmlands and proceed south to the jungle where the Navy captain is waiting. Along the way you're attack by more undead enemies, orque troopers and orque flamethrowers.

1. Proceed south along the path. The fourth radio tower will be on you left just before you enter a large clearing.
2. In the clearing are 10 skeletons and one chest.
3. Proceed south to the docks to give the captain his oil. He sends you on a quest to rescue his crew from some jungle greems.
4. Continue along the path leading to the right. A few orques attack once you're past the docks.
5. To the south you meet a Researcher, who sends you on a quest to research thongoliths.
6. Proceed south into the jungle. Two orque flamethrowers attack, followed by a group of jungle greems.
7. The thongolith is to the west of the main path, just pas the area where the greems attack. Use the Researcher's device on the thongolith and 8 Dark Warrior Elites attack.
8. Return to the Researcher. He asks you to get readings on another thongolith, in the Cactus Forest.

1. Proceed south farther into the jungle. A few greems attack in ones and twos.
2. Turn left into the western area of the jungle. More greems attack, including greem gunmen.
3. At the end of the western path is the Spelunker. He asks you to head into the cave nearby and retrieve a crystal.
4. Head into the cave. A group of 8 greems attack. The crystal is just ahead past the greems.
5. Give the crystal to the Spelunker and continue along the jungle path leading south. A few greems and an orque flamethrower attack.
6. Farther south on the beach you meet Scoop the Reporter. He asks you to deliver a report to the Radio Host back in the village. Use the teleportation outhouse nearby to get back faster.

1. Head west from Scoop's beach to reach the Greem Camp. Several greems attack once you reach the entrance.
2. In the camp itself are 12-15 greems guarding four prisoners. One prisoner is near the entrance while the other three are to the north, south and west of the camp's buildings.
3. Head through the cave to the south of the camp (right near the prisoner's cage) to reach the Really High Mountains. This path will take you to Scurvyville.
4. Proceed along the path. Two mountain chizards and two pips attack.
5. Farther down the path you meet more chizards, another pip and a few mountain beasts.
6. Continue along the winding mountain path. More pips attack, usually in ones or twos. They're very tough so use heavy weapons against them to wear them down.
7. At the end of a right-bend in the path is another chest with a special lock. Observe the lock and return to the Locksmith in the village to get the special key.
8. The path turns north at the end of the mountains. You meet the Spelunker, you again asks you to collect a crystal in the nearby cave.
9. Head into the cave. Four mountain pips guard the crystal.
10. Collect the crystal and return to the Spelunker outside.

1. Follow the path leading to the right of the Spelunker to continue. A pip and several chizards attack.
2. Farther up the path are more pips and chizards, as well as a few mountain beasts.
3. Continue along the path. When it stops winding and levels out you'll meet a few more chizards. Farther up ahead and you'll reach the entrance to Plaid Pete's cave.
4. Continue eastwards past the cave into the Scurvy Jungle. A few chizards and beasts attack once you reach the end of the mountains.
5. Follow the jungle path eastwards. At the outhouse it splits off into east and west paths: follow the west path to reach Scurvyville.
6. Talk to the Treasureless Pirate to receive the Skeleton Island quest.
7. Talk to the Explorer to receive the flag-planting quest.
8. Talk to Captain Taint near the docks to deliver his package and receive his quest: track down the bits of his treasure map hidden by his mutinous crew.
9. To use Taint's pirate ship, you'll need a lemon, a bottle of rum and the keys to the ship, stolen by Plaid Pete.

1. Talk to the pirate on the left side of the cove to receive his find-a-parrot-feather quest.
2. There's an arms dealer to the right of the cove and a medic to the left.
3. Teleport back to Plaid Pete's cave. You must fight him for the keys to the pirate ship.
4. Pete attacks with melee attacks and conjures small pokasaurus' to help him. Take out the pokasaurus' in order to weaken Pete and take him out.
5. Return to Taint with the keys to the ship.

1. Head back into the Scurvy Jungle. Proceed along the easterly path.
2. A few ginger commanders attack. At the end of the path is the first Explorer flag and a cave.
3. The cave returns you to Le Battlefield, then through another cave to the Destroyed City. Finally, a third passage takes you around the orque blockade you faced earlier.
4. Proceed north. A few orques and a pip trooper attack.
5. Continue north along the path. Two more trooper pips and orques attack. Take them out and turn left to continue.
6. There's a pip guarding a chest along the westwards path. Just past them are two orque flamethrowers.
7. Further along the path you meet the Spelunker, who yet again wants a crystal from a cave nearby.
8. Head into the cave. Five trooper pips are in the first part of the cave; take them out and proceed through the door into the next area.
9. 10 giant ants attack in the next area. Just ahead is a room full of chests and another 10 giant ants, plus a Big Poppa Dragon. Take them out, retrieve the crystal and head back through the cave to the Spelunker.

1. Proceed south from the Spelunker's camp along the mountain path. A few orque troopers and flamethrowers attack along the path.
2. At the bottom of the path, four orque troopers and one trooper pip attack.
3. Follow the path as it hooks westwards then northwards. A few more trooper pips guard the entrance to the Dark Forest, along with a few more orque troopers.
4. Once you enter the Dark Forest, you see a strange chicken overlooking the ledge. Talk to it to receive the Feed the Salmonella Ghoul quest.
5. Follow the path westwards. Four ghouls attack on the road and another 8 attack from the cemetery to your left.
6. Up ahead, the path divides with one path leading north and another leading east. A few bearalopes lurk nearby.
7. Head along the east path to Dark Forest Lake. A bearalope attacks farther down the path near the house. Nearby you'll see another locked chest. Notice the lock and return to the Locksmith to get the special key.
8. Proceed east. Talk to Rich Cabin; he asks you to deliver a magazine to Derek Oil.
9. The Spelunker is ahead to the north. Head into the nearby cave to get a crystal for him.
10. Inside the cave are three bearalopes. Take them out and collect the crystal.
11. Give the crystal to the Spelunker and head west back towards the cemeteries.
12. Back in the cemetery, four bearalopes and six leprechauns attack as you head north. Take them out and continue northwards along the path.
13. Use the outhouse up ahead to return to the village and get the key to the chest you found.

1. Once you have the key, return to the Spooky Cemetery and collect what's inside the chest.
2. Near the teleportation outhouse is a second flag staff; plant a flag for the Explorer.
3. Cross the large stone bridge to reach the Sanctuary.
4. You'll notice some chickens running around the Sanctuary. If you are so inclined, you can lure a chicken back into the Cemetery to serve as a meal for the salmonella ghoul. Just attack it a few times and make sure that it follows you back; once it's close enough the Ghoul will gobble up the chicken.
5. Back at the cemetery, collect the medical supplies for the village medic.
6. Talk to the monk on the steps. He tells you that only those gravely injured may enter the sanctuary.
7. Exit the sanctuary and head west. Three large Sanctuary spiders guard a chest nearby. Inside the chest is a powerful poison that will reduce you to low health.
8. Return to the sanctuary. Now that you are badly wounded, the monk allows you inside.

1. Talk to the monk near the door to the Mother Superior's house. Head through the door and investigate the strange pentagram within: you'll receive a quest to get into the Sanctuary catacombs.
2. To get into the catacombs, you need to place a book on each of the pedestals surrounding the pentagram.
3. Leave the Sanctuary and proceed along the western path. Several leprachauns attack.
4. Further up the path you're attacked by robots and Mobile Mines.
5. Up ahead there's a bridge. Follow the path leading east from the bridge to reach the Demon Witch's house.
6. Deliver your package to the Witch. She asks you to collect some ingredients for her: red alien goo, bearalope droppings and the remains of the Unknown Ghoul Slayer.
7. Talk to the Well to receive the wishing coins quest: find a wishing coin to toss down the Well.
8. Cross the bridge just to the north of the Witch's house. Talk to the Little Green Alien to receive its quest: collect the space-ship parts from the red aliens.
9. Head east along the path. You're attacked by 5 red aliens and 10 alien eyeballs. Kill the aliens to collect their goo and ship parts.
10. Continue heading east towards the crash site. Four more red aliens and 6 more alien eyeballs attack near the downed spaceship.

1. Just to the north of the spaceship is a mutinous pirate; take him out to collect one part of Taint's treasure map.
2. Head west back to the little green alien to deliver the spaceship parts to him.
3. Continue heading west across the bridge. Give the red alien goo you collected to the witch.
4. Proceed west to the the larger bridge that you passed earlier. Head across it along the path leading northwest.
5. You find Dr. Eisenbein locked in a cage just across the bridge. You need to find the punchcard in order to free him.
6. Head west along the path. You're attacked by about 10 robots of various types; one of the larger red robots is carrying the punchcard. Collect it and head back to Dr. Eisenbein.
7. Eisenbein gives you the plans to the Tricore-7, the computer controlling all the robots. You must destroy the computer in order to shut down the robots and finish the quest.
8. Head back into the "Tricore-7" region. Continue west into the next area; you're attacked by more robots and a few leprechauns.
9. Continue along the path: it will separate into a west path (leading to the Enchanted Bridge) and an east path (leading to the Tricore-7).

1. Talk to Mr. Frangtangle at the Enchanted Bridge. You can try to solve his riddles (good luck...) or you can just fight him to cross the bridge.
2. As you do more damage to Frangtangle, he'll grow larger and larger. Once he's down, the bridge appears and you can cross.

1. Return to Beaux Knuckelles to deliver the Tricore-7 plans to Lucy Eisenbein. She asks you to scan a robot; this will allow her to create crystal that will disable the Tricore-7.
2. While in town, give the medical supplies you collected in the Sanctuary to the medic.
3. Head into the library and pick out five books you'll need to get into the Sanctuary catacombs (you'll need to sign up for a library card first).
4. Back at the Sanctuary, use the five books to lower the pentagram and head into the Catacombs.
5. Three monks attack once you reach the catacombs. In the next room you'll find a puzzle to reach the other side of a chasm.
6. Use the levers to move the platforms around and form a path leading from one side of the chasm to the other. The platforms move either up-down or left-right depending on their shape, and they will be stopped if they encounter another platform.
7. Cross the chasm and proceed down the path. Two more monks attack.
8. Collect all the gun parts in the passage and return to the Catacombs entrance. Proceed down the passage on the upper right.
9. Several crazed nuns and spiders attack in this area.

1. Head further down the passage. A few skeletons attack.
2. In the area at the end of the passage are 10 skeletons and two large spitting skeleton heads. Take them out and proceed down the next passage on your upper right.
3. As you head down the path, 10 more ants attack along with a few more nuns.
4. Turn right down the next passage. Two more nuns and an ant attack near the out-of-order outhouse.
5. Before you can confront Mother Superior, you must deactivate her four altars. Head south to deactivate the blue altar; a nun, some monks and one monk brute are guarding it.
6. Head north back across the chamber. Proceed up the passage to deactivate the red altar; four nuns, four monks and one monk brute are guarding it.
7. The passage near the yellow altar is your next objective. Head down it and take out the five nuns, four monks and one monk brute standing in your way.
8. The final altar is just to the south. Head down the passage and take out the 6 nuns, 5 monks and one monk brute.
9. Once all the altars have been switched off, you can confront Mother Superior.

1. Speak to Mother Mary in her chamber. Turns out she's been turning all the soldiers into skeletons and taking their weapons; her Thong of Virtue has turned her evil.
2. Instead of fighting you herself, Mother Mary sends the gods of each altar after you. The first to attack is Beatrice, Goddess of Beauty. She attacks you as a sheep.

1. Next to attack is the Goddess Lucy, Goddess of Giving. She attacks as a goat.
2. Third is Susan, Goddess of Music. She attacks as as spider.
3. Fourth is Albert, God of Power. He attacks as a deer with a shrinking ray attached to his forehead.
4. Fifth is Walter the Clairvoyant, who attacks as a rat.
5. Once you've defeated Walter, Mother Mary appears and attacks you. She has a variety of magic and poison spells to use against her.
6. Once Mother Mary is defeated, you're given a package to deliver to the Sheriff of Strumfuquel.

1. Leave the Sanctuary and head south into the Cemetery. Here you can collect the Bearalope droppings and Ghoul remains for the Witch, as wells as the wishing coin for the Well.
2. The Ghoul remains are in a shed next to the main cemetery. Take out the forest ghouls nearby to collect the coin. After you've killed 10 bearalopes, proceed to the Witch's house to the east to finish the quest.
3. Other quests you should be able to finish: saving the Navy Captain's crew (the navy captain should be in the docks near the Blizbane Farmland); collecting the Pip teeth for the soldier (who is also near the Farmlands); fix the five radio towers for the Radio Host in Beaux Knuckelles; returning the gun parts to the General in Beaux Knuckelles.
4. After speaking to the Captain, he asks you to destroy the orque cannon guarding the sea passages.
5. The Radio Host asks you to get Scoop's expose in the jungle.

1. Head to the jungle beach where Scoop hangs out. Pick up the report from Scoop and return it to the Radio Host.
2. To destroy the orque cannon, head for the docks in Destroyed City. The guns are in an area just to the east (it's the same place where you pulled the lever to lower the orque drawbridge).
3. There are 10-15 orques defending the cannon. Once the cannon are taken out, head back the Captain.

1. Once you've completed all the Witch's quests, you can deliver the magic ward she gives you to Farmer Blizbane. He makes you a special weapon for killing undead commanders.
2. You must now deliver 5 undead commander skulls to Farmer Blizbane.
3. If you haven't done other pending quests (like scanning a robot for Lucy Eisenbein, delivering medical supplies to the village Medic, or any of the Radio Host's quests), do them now before you advance further in the game.

1. Once you've completed all available quests, head across the Enchanted Bridge near the Tricore-7 region. This will take you to the next stage of your journey.
2. Over the bridge is a locked gate leading to the West. When you defeated Mother Mary you were given a key to this gate; unlock it and head up the elevator.
3. You're now in the Haunted Farmhouse area. Head up the path that leads east to investigate the desert greem camp.
4. About 12 desert greems guard their camp. Activate the totem rock in the center to face the Greem Queen.
5. Once you've taken out the Queen, head back up the path to the West.
6. Speak to the woman on the road. She asks you to recover her hats from the White Rock Bandito Gang.

1. Speak to the driver to receive a message to deliver to the Sheriff of Strumfuquel; he also asks you to retrieve his mail bags.
2. Proceed north past the stagecoach towards the Haunted Farm. 10-15 vengeful ghosts attack in the area around the farmhouse.
3. Past the farmhouse is a cemetery with about 10 skeleton cowboys patrolling it. You'll start finding the woman's fancy hats as soon as you exit the cemetery.
4. The next area is the White Rock bandito camp. 12-15 banditos guard the camp, and you'll find the five fancy hats and mail bags scattered among the tents.
5. Once you've collected the mail and the hats, return to the stagecoach to speak to the driver and the woman.
6. The driver asks you to get the pearl hand of the bandito leader.

1. Head back to the bandito camp. The bandito chief should be wandering around the center of the camp. Take him out and return to the stagecoach driver to deliver the pearl hand.
2. Head north again to Boot Hill. A few more banditos attack you when you near the chest.
3. Proceed south along the path. More banditos and 6 large desert ants attack once you reach the western turn of the path.
4. Head north and you'll find the spelunker. Go into the cave and retrieve the crystal for him; its guarded by about 10 large ants.
5. If you proceed west along the road past the stagecoach, you'll reach the town of Strumfuquel.
6. There's a locked chest in the brothel near the town's entrance. Check it out and head back to Beaux Knuckelles to get the key from the Locksmith.

1. When you go into the brothel's chest, the madame attacks you. Take her out and collect her Heart of Gold.
2. Deliver your messages to the Sheriff of Strumfuquel. He asks you to deliver a warrant to his deputy, whose off in the Blood Mountains.
3. If you speak to the Sheriff a second time, he asks you to collect some things for you. First, you must collect the white shoes of the White Rock banditos.
4. Speak to the Banker. He asks you to deliver a message to Derek Oil. He also asks you to chase down the banditos that stole the bank's money. They ran off into the Blood Mountains to the west.
5. Speak to the grizzled prospector. He asks you to investigate three caves and bring back rock samples for him.
6. Head into the tavern and speak to the barkeep. He asks you to find his liquor license, stolen by a warden and her robots.

1. Speak to the woman in Strumfuquel. She asks you to escort her back to her house (the Haunted farmhouse). Once you do this, she asks you to find her husband, hiding (or possibly dead) somewhere in the Blood Mountains.
2. Go to the White Rock banditos camp to collect the special shoes the Sheriff asked for. Deliver them to the Sheriff to finish the quest.
3. Speak to the Engineer near the south end of the town. He asks you to use some explosives to eliminate the blockage on the rail tracks. You can't be attacked or attack an enemy while you carry the explosives however.
4. Proceed down the path leading roughly southwest from the town. Cross the railway bridge and follow the path. Dodge the ants that attack.
5. Speak to the Conductor near the rocks to deliver the explosives. The rocks are blown away, allowing you to proceed.

1. Proceed down the rail tracks. Turn north once you reach the outhouse; this road will take you to the Tar Pits.
2. When you reach the Tar Pits, several oil monsters attack. Take them out and follow the path northwards to Derek Oil's estate.
3. Make your deliveries to Derek Oil. He gives you a magazine to deliver to Rich Cabin, and asks you to collect his oil derrick parts in the Dinosaur Graveyard. away to the west.
4. Quickly deliver the magazine to Rich Cabin in the Dark Forest; he gives you yet another magazine to deliver to Derek Oil.
5. You go back and forth a few more times, delivering magazines to each plutocrat. The quest ends when Derek Oil sends his fourth magazine to Rich Cabin, who finally accepts that Derek Oil is richer than he.

1. If you haven't yet completed it, you can go into the Scurvy Jungle and kill a few donkeys. Then, bring their donkey dung to Ima Strunken in the Destroyed City. He asks you to collect some dinosaur dung, which you can collect when you head into the Dinosaur Graveyard.
2. Also, deliver the Heart of Gold you took from the madame in Strumfuquel to the General in Beaux Knuckelles.

1. Head into the Dinosaur Graveyard to the south of Derek Oil's estate. There's an explorer's flag post just past the entrance.
2. There are 8 small dinosaurs and 2 large ones in the Graveyard. Kill the dinos to collect Derek Oil's missing parts, and take out a large one to collect the manure for the farmer.
3. At the far end of the Graveyard is the Spelunker. Head into the nearby cave to collect the crystal for him; its guarded by 8 small dinos.
4. Deliver the parts to Derek Oil. He asks you to fix his broken derricks in the Tar Pits and to also kill the oil monsters.
5. You must fix all 10 of the derricks and kill 30 oil monsters before returning to Derek Oil.

1. After you bring the oil monster bits back to Derek Oil, he asks you to go the Tar Pits cave at the far end of the Tar Pits and kill the BIg Mamma Oil Monster.
2. Head east through the Tar Pits. You'll see the Spelunker near the cave entrance. Head into the cave and take out the 4 oil monsters guarding the crystal. Then take out the oil monster boss and deliver its head back to Derek Oil.

1. Head back to the railroad tracks to continue your journey towards the Blood Mountains.
2. You'll meet the traveling woman and the stagecoach driver along the track.
3. The woman asks you to recover her jewelry from the Red Renegade Banditos, while the driver asks you to recover his stolen wheels.
4. Further along the track you meet the Big Game Hunter; he asks you to kill the Sandy Devil Worm Queen in the Sandy Desert.
5. Proceed down the tracks. You're attacked by 8 or so giant ants.
6. Turn left when you reach the road block. The Red Renegade camp is just to the southwest.
7. Recover the jewelry and the wheels; they're both scattered around the camp. About 10 banditos attack.
8. Return the jewelry and the wheels to the stagecoach pair. Head into the Sandy Desert to find the Sandy Desert Worm Queen.
9. Talk to Lawrence of the Desert; he asks you to collect the pinkie fingers of Sand Ghouls for him.

1. On the southern end of the desert is the Worm Queen. Kill the dragon to get its shell and check out the chests nearby for more goodies.
2. Head south through the desert to reach the Oasis. Talk to the Hermit; he tells you to go kill some hideous stinkers.
3. You'll find the sand ghoul camp to the west of the Oasis. Kill 15 of the ghouls and return to Lawrence to finish the quest.
4. Near the ghoul camp is the Spelunker. Head into the nearby cave, kill the 10 sand ghouls and collect the crystal.
5. Return to the Big Game Hunter and give him the Worm Queen's shell. He asks you to kill the Giant Queen Spider next.
6. Return to the farmer in the Destroyed City to deliver the dino manure. For his final quest, you must collect some Frost Giant manure.

1. Proceed west along the path leading from the Sandy Desert to reach the Cactus Forest. You're attack by some small dinos.
2. The Thongolith of Cuisine is to the north of the path. Once you activate it, you're attacked by 10 elite warriors.
3. At the far end of the Cactus Forest is the Spelunker. Head into the cave to get his crystal; it's guarded by 4 dinos and 15 chizards.
4. Leave the Cactus Forest and return to the railway track. Continue down it until you find the path leading south to the Blood Mountains.

1. Proceed down the Blood Mountain trail. Four pips attack.
2. Further down the path, four more pips attack.
3. Follow the path as it turns west then north to the cabin.
4. Speak to the frontiersman; he asks you to collect some of his money from some banditos.
5. Speak to the prospector; he asks you to find some prospecting pans for him.
6. You meet the lady and the stagecoach driver again near the cabin. The lady asks you to recover her "feminine products." The driver asks you to recover his stagecoach from the Blue Basin Banditos.
7. Return to the Cactus Forest and kill 10 of the banditos to recover the man's lucky money.
8. Travel back down the railroad. Talk to the Engineer at his station to collect the dynamite you need to blow away the rocks blocking the tracks.
9. With the dynamite, quickly travel back to the Blood Mountains and give it to the Conductor at the blocked tracks; he uses it to blow away the rocks.

1. Proceed down the tracks. Turn south to reach the Blue Bandito camp and collect the lady's embarrassing feminine products; about 12 banditos guard the camp.
2. Collect the stagecoach from the camp. Return to the Blood Mountain cabin to return your items to the lady and the driver.
3. Continue down the rail tracks. Speak to the Engineer; he gives you some acid. Deliver it quickly to the Conductor so he can dissolve the rocks blocking the tracks. Avoid the robots along the way.
4. Speak to the Lawmen at the entrance of Worrtens. Deliver the warrant you received from the sheriff of Strumfuquel. He gives you an eviction notice to post at the monk's temple.
5. Head back down the tracks. The monk's temple is up a trail leading north. The signpost is in the northwest corner of their temple. Once you post it the monks attack; there's about 13 of them. Take them out and collect 10 pans for the prospector.
6. Return the pans to the prospector at the Blood Mountain cabin, and return to the Worrten's lawman to finish his quest.

1. Continue down the train tracks into the Sierra Mountains. A few more bearalopes attack. Take them out and proceed to the northwest; you'll find the Spelunker.
2. Head into the cave; take out the bearalopes inside and collect the crystal for the Spelunker.
3. If you head into Worrten's factory, you'll be attacked by about 20 robots from all over the area. Fight your way through the robots and head through the door on the east side of the factory.

1. Speak to the Worten's entrance lady. She says you'll need a worker's uniform, an application, a passed drug test and the official song to get to see the head of the factory.
2. Head through the door leading to the factory halls. You'll run into a Mark-7 robot; scan it for Lucy Eisenbein back in Beaux Knuckelles.
3. Proceed through the factory halls. Another 10-12 robots attack. Head down the elevator to the lower level.
4. Head down the passage leading right. More robots attack once you reach the factory floor again.
5. Head down the passage leading south. 10 more robots attack; take them out and head through the door at the end of the passage to the break room. Once in the break room, collect the notices on the bulletin board.

1. The infirmary (where you take the drug test) is down a passage leading south from the elevator. About 10-12 robots attack on your way.
2. Once in the infirmary, activate the toilet and collect your passed drug test.
3. Give your drug test to the receptionist at the factory entrance. You can also pass the uniform test if you picked up the vest on your way.
4. To the west of the factory is the Hideous Stinker (it's a big green ant). Kill it and deliver its shell to the hermit.
5. At the far end of the area is the runaway husband of the wife you talked to in Strumfuquel. He asks you to recover his keepsake from the nearby cave.
6. Head into the cave. Take out the 10 ants guarding the keepsake, then deliver it to the woman in Strumfuquel. There's also a crystal in the cave you can collect for the Spelunker.

1. After you talk to the Hermit, he asks you to retrieve an idol from a jungle temple.
2. in Strumfuquel: the sheriff asks you to retrieve his hat from the Red Banditos.
3. Talk to the researcher; he asks you to investigate one more thongolith.
4. Talk to the prospector in Strumfuquel: deliver the rocks you've collected from the caves you've been to.
5. Head to the Red Banditos to collect the sheriff's hat. The hat is guarded by 10 banditos and one chief.
6. After you deliver his hat, the sheriff asks you to retrieve his gunslinger gloves from the Blue Basin Banditos in the Blood Mountains.

1. Retrieve the sheriff's hat from the Blue Basin Banditos. It's guarded by about 8 banditos.
2. Now that you've scanned a Mark 7 robot, you can deliver the results to Lucy Eisenbein. She asks you to shut off the Tricore 7 in the Dark Forest.
3. The Tricore 7 is defended by 10 robots. Take them out and shut off the computer.

1. Talk to Tina at her taco stand in Strumfuquel. From her you can learn the TGIW birthday song (first you need to get a library card from the Beaux Knuckelles library).
2. Now that you know the birthday song, you can head back to the Wortens factory.
3. Talk to the receptionist; after you sing the birthday song, your application is complete. You can now get into the restricted part of the factory.
4. Head back through the factory, down the elevator and across the factory floor to the door at the end of the east passage (its the one right next to the blood-stained floor).

1. In the TGIW offices, avoid the crushers; take out the BBQ cooks and avoid the cooking panels.
2. If you proceed through the next door, you'll reach Worten's Arena.
3. You'll have to battle Worten to get her Thong of Cuisine; but first you have a cook off. The orphan will help you out.
4. Deliver your dish to the judges; when you do, Worten attacks with the help of two ninja chefs.
5. Take her out to collect her Thong; Sandy appears, and she asks you to deliver a package to the thongolith researcher.
6. Take the warp exit back to the factory entrance; head to Strumfuquel to deliver the package to the thongolith researcher.

1. While in Strumfuquel, you can buy some rum from the local tavern. Deliver the rum to Taint in Scurveyvill so you can use his ship.
2. You can explore the inland ocean with Taint's pirate ship, but you can only enter and exit the ship on docks.
3. Head west to Skeleton Island; there's a few skeletons guarding a generic pirate treasure you can deliver to the forlorn pirate in Scurvyville.
4. Head north to Chicken Island. Ten chickens defend a chest with parrot parts in it; collect them and deliver them to the pirate in Scurvyville.
5. Further to the west is Greem Island, where 15 greems and one Queen Greem live. Kill the Queen Greem to complete the final exterminator quest.
6. To the northeast is Shamrock Island, inhabited by about 8 leprechauns guarding a few chests.

1. To the northeast is Cave Island, where you'll find the Spelunker. Take out the 10 island greems in the cave and retrieve the crystal.
2. North of Cave Island is Frosty Island. Some frost beast and frost giants attack; collect 3 frost giant manures to deliver to the farmer in the Destroyed City.
3. Sale around the North Pole and discover all 10 buoys in order to fully map it.
4. To the west of the North Pole is Spider Island. About 12 spiders attack, and you'll find the last mutineer sailor.

1. The Big Game Hunter asked you to kill a Giant Spider. There's one hiding in the southeast corner of the Sandy Desert. Kill it and report back to him.
2. The Big Game Hunter then asks you to kill a Pip King.
3. Deliver the frost giant manure to Ima Strunken to complete his last quest.
4. Head to Scurvyville to deliver the treasure to one pirate and the parrot parts to the other. You can also report to Captain Taint to deliver the bits of pirate map you've collected from the mutineers.
5. Taint asks you to find his treasure on Cliche Island. You may have passed it earlier on the pirate ship. Head for the island, collect the treasure and return to Taint.

1. West of the thongolith in the Scurvy Jungle is the cave from which you must retrieve the idol for the Hermit. Head through the cave, taking out the 10 idol gremms defending it.
2. Deliver the idol to the Hermit; he asks you to get lost. If you run away and then come back, you'll have completed the quest.
3. Head to Fort Discharge. Deliver the map of the North Pole to the general; he'll use it to prepare for the invasion. Return to him when you're ready to join the invasion of the North Pole.

1. Head north into the interior of the North Pole. You're attacked by about 10 orque elfs.
2. The North Pole thongolith is to the northwest. When you activate it you're attacked by 8 dark warriors. Avoid or kill them until the scan is finished. Deliver the scan to the Researcher at the docks.
3. Head north through the houses to Santa's workshop. Santa will be waiting for you.
4. After an amusing conversation, you're knocked out by Santa's awesome mirth.

1. You wake up deep in Santa's workshop. You must find a way of stifling his mirth before attacking him again.
2. Proceed down the halls to your left. About 10 orque elfs and a pip attack.
3. Continue down the hallway til you reach the levers. Pull each lever to extend the drawbridge. Head over it to proceed outside to the reindeer pens.
4. All 8 of Santa's reindeer plus some orque elfs attack you. You'll collect a reindeer hat from them as soon as their all down.
5. Proceed down the pathway leading south. At the bottom are more elfs and two pips.
6. Continue along the mountain path leading west. About 10 more elfs attack as you move forward. Cut northwards as soon as the path opens up; more elfs attack.
7. At the end of the path near the houses, you're attacked by tiny elf enemies.
8. When you near Santa's area, put on the reindeer hat to stifle his mirth. He attacks you with a giant coal monster.
9. Defeat the coal monster, and you will have defeated Santa. Sandy appears and tells you to meet her at her secret base.

1. Talk to the researcher to complete the final thongolith quest. Then use the device given to you to travel to Sandy's secret base.
2. On the moon base, collect the thongolith device from the nearby chest to get through forcefield. Proceed northwards; 8 space marines attack.
3. Follow the path to the moon base to Sandy. There, she reveals to you that she wears the Thong of Peace and that she must destroy your Thong of Virtue to complete her mission.
4. You can make a choice: submit to Sandy or defeat her and keep your Thong for yourself.

1. If you choose to fight Sandy, she attacks with her space marines as well as summoned from the four panels and space lasers from above you.
2. The more damage you do to Sandy, the more space marines she summons. She also uses a teleportation ability to dodge your attacks.
3. Once you've defeated Sandy, the game comes to an end.

If you choose to sacrifice yourself, then you have a short, hilarious conversation with Sandy followed by a somber cut scene.

Congratulations! You've completed Death Spank: Thongs of Virtue!