1 year, 4 months ago
Your partner dies the obituary reads "survived by spouse" and you didn't know he/she was married. How would you feel?
I know someone that this happened to. She seriously dated a man for over a year. He just disappeared one day. She found his obituary on the computer a few years later reading "survived by his loving wife of 22 years".
Would you feel cheated that you unknowingly had sex with a married person? Would you feel that the love you had for that person was no longer valid because he/she lied to you? How would you feel? Then how could you express those feelings?
Should she visit the grave to get the closure she never had?
Would you feel cheated that you unknowingly had sex with a married person? Would you feel that the love you had for that person was no longer valid because he/she lied to you? How would you feel? Then how could you express those feelings?
Should she visit the grave to get the closure she never had?
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M$3 Answers
Oh I would feel so angry to find out a lover had lied to me about being married, and if the lover was dead on top of it all I would be filled with so many unanswered questions. Perhaps they were separated? Perhaps he was a real liar! No way to really know. For me visiting the grave would not answer any questions, but if it helps your friend, she can do it
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M$Report Abuse
Wow, what a horrible experience.
While the circumstances were certainly different, I do know what it's like to think you know someone and be completely let down. For me, it was after 15 years with a man, and I really had little to no forewarning of what was going to happen. In my case, this man is very much alive and living nearby, but would imagine that the feelings would be similar.
I would (and did) question my own ability to really know someone.
I would (and did) feel cheated and humiliated.
I would (and did) feel angry.
I would (and did) feel very sad--heartbroken.
I would (and did) have trust issues.
In my case, I may not have suffered a loss as in the death of my companion (the man I thought was my best friend, who was also my husband), but it was a loss nonetheless.
But as much as I was heartbroken and angry, etc., I never felt that the love I had for this man wasn't real. I DID, however, question if his love for me was ever real, which led back to more feelings of being humiliated and angry.
So, if I were in the situation that this person you know is in, I would imagine I'd deal with the feelings in much the same way. I'd cry. A lot. I'd talk to close friends who'd be willing to listen. I'd let myself be angry as hell at this man, even though he was gone (in this case deceased). And I'd also forgive myself for wanting to move on sooner than later and concentrate on me and my true friends.
As far as closure, we're all different as far as what we need to find it. If this person you're talking about will get some catharsis and closure from visiting the grave then, by all means, she should go. For me, I don't think that would work. I think only time would work, just as it's working now. For me, it helped to think about all of my time with this man--to force myself to reminisce about experiences we shared, good and not-so-good--and smile and cry about them. Trying to NOT think about all those times didn't help at all. Just the opposite. And, as time went on, I found I was thinking about this man and our life together less and less and thinking more about the present and the future, and when I do recall times with him, I can now remember the good times and not feel so sad. I'm not there yet--I don't have complete closure, partly because, just as if he'd died, I've never had the chance to really sit down with him and get a clear explanation--so, in a way, it's been like a death.
While the circumstances were certainly different, I do know what it's like to think you know someone and be completely let down. For me, it was after 15 years with a man, and I really had little to no forewarning of what was going to happen. In my case, this man is very much alive and living nearby, but would imagine that the feelings would be similar.
I would (and did) question my own ability to really know someone.
I would (and did) feel cheated and humiliated.
I would (and did) feel angry.
I would (and did) feel very sad--heartbroken.
I would (and did) have trust issues.
In my case, I may not have suffered a loss as in the death of my companion (the man I thought was my best friend, who was also my husband), but it was a loss nonetheless.
But as much as I was heartbroken and angry, etc., I never felt that the love I had for this man wasn't real. I DID, however, question if his love for me was ever real, which led back to more feelings of being humiliated and angry.
So, if I were in the situation that this person you know is in, I would imagine I'd deal with the feelings in much the same way. I'd cry. A lot. I'd talk to close friends who'd be willing to listen. I'd let myself be angry as hell at this man, even though he was gone (in this case deceased). And I'd also forgive myself for wanting to move on sooner than later and concentrate on me and my true friends.
As far as closure, we're all different as far as what we need to find it. If this person you're talking about will get some catharsis and closure from visiting the grave then, by all means, she should go. For me, I don't think that would work. I think only time would work, just as it's working now. For me, it helped to think about all of my time with this man--to force myself to reminisce about experiences we shared, good and not-so-good--and smile and cry about them. Trying to NOT think about all those times didn't help at all. Just the opposite. And, as time went on, I found I was thinking about this man and our life together less and less and thinking more about the present and the future, and when I do recall times with him, I can now remember the good times and not feel so sad. I'm not there yet--I don't have complete closure, partly because, just as if he'd died, I've never had the chance to really sit down with him and get a clear explanation--so, in a way, it's been like a death.
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M$
Yes, this is a very unusual situation, and I would certainly have strong feelings dating back to when this man suddenly disappeared. In one way, knowing the truth is at least some sort of closure, but the feelings of betrayal would be another matter to deal with. The important thing would be to remember that I was honest in the relationship, and for that I should have no regrets. On the other hand, dating a man who was cheating on his spouse is not a comforting thought. I expect I would be angry and even frustrated that I couldn’t vent those feelings because the guy is no longer in this world.
Maybe that would be a good reason to visit the grave and have a private moment of sharing those feelings of hurt, loss, and regret for what might have been. I hope your friend has moved on and has found someone with whom she can build a permanent relationship--someone worthy of her love.
Maybe that would be a good reason to visit the grave and have a private moment of sharing those feelings of hurt, loss, and regret for what might have been. I hope your friend has moved on and has found someone with whom she can build a permanent relationship--someone worthy of her love.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
