This is a fun and lovely way to update your friends and family about your take on this year! I hope I have helped your content shine through.

I made some mostly minor tweaks to help it scan better and for accuracy, which I have noted by putting an asterisk at the end of every line I altered (sorry if I missed any.) I put a note explaining the times I felt I was doing more than a minor change, or at least something less obvious. Those notes are parenthetical and appear after the relevant line, and thus make the poem look less lovely right now as they mess up stanzas -- they are easily removed, though, and at least one contains an alternate option for the line you might prefer.

I also changed the formatting a bit to help your reader follow you through this wonderful poem.

I put it in stanzas because the versions of the original I found utilized stanzas and it makes it easier to follow, especially in the second part where you have a stanza for each family member. You don't need transitions if you have the like-lines lumped together.

I put it in two parts because it seemed to me their are two distinct parts: one that flows from hunting to politics, and then another that flows from family to the religious importance of Christmas. There wasn't a clear transition from FDR to Julie by the fire, and you don't need one if you designate the two parts. This also helps your reader.

I would be happy to discuss any of these changes via comment or Direct Question. Again, congratulations on this creative way to share your year and thoughts with friend's and family this season.

TWAS THE DAY
BEFORE CHRISTMAS

by Lee & Julie Lorenzen

I.
Twas the day before Christmas when we left the house *
Our plan: to go shooting, but not at a mouse. *
Five shot guns we took from the gun rack with care,
In hopes of success we were loaded for bear.

Grown children were with us, not snug in their beds,
For visions of sporting clays danced in their heads.
And mom in long scarf, and I in my CAL cap, *
Had just gathered up kids for some fun shooting trap. *

When out on the range, two skeet started to scatter,
I shot the former, Julie blasted the latter.
Nate, Matt and Emily their muzzles did flash,
Tore clays into shatters that fell with a crash.

Our first try at this sport, we gave it a go
And got back a thrill that was more than you know.
In case you are wondering if Santa should fear, *
There’s no need to worry, we don’t shoot reindeer.*

Though we cling to our guns, one man we won’t knock,
You’ll know in a moment, his name is Barack.
More plainly than pundits, he said, “Yes We Can!” *
As he cajoled and he coaxed, we called him our man! *

"While Katie, the Couric, called Palin a vixen * (while similar to the ! in the original, it doesn't seem like you actually want that emphasis -- you could add it back in if you changed it to say
"While Katie, the Couric,/ said 'Palin's a vixen!'")
We Vetted! We Voted! Obama was blitzin', *(I assume you mean "blitzing" like http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=blitzing "an intense campaign," and not to call him the reindeer so this will help clarify)
To the press, To the polls, To the crowds, We would call:
Vote Hope Today! Hope Today! Hope Today All!" *(I changed it to hope not because the other message wasn't great -- it was! -- but I think this is more lyrical. Say "Vote Change Today, Change Today, Change Today All!" out loud -- the repeated "ch--" is grating, which is obviously not what you are going for. "Hope" has a softer sound, similar to the "dash" in the original.)

As the stock market fell, it made many men cry,
That McCain’s hopes ended there, no one would deny. *
Next up to the House, the car CEOs flew,
With their jets full of perks and their palms open too.

And then, in a twinkling, confidence fled with a poof! *
The market down-turning kept buyers aloof.
As the New Dealer once said, we need only fear fear *
And that terror, God willing will fade this New Year. *
(Note on the last couplets: Roosevelt just doesn't fit into pseudo iambic pentameter well - I tried to help it scan better while keeping all the meaning/content that you had.)

II.
Julie read by the fire, warmed down to her toes,*
When her tales are all finished, this much she still knows,*
Her favorite book, which she won't give back*
Twilight: told of Bella, Edward and wolf pack. *

Nathan's at Berkeley! He keeps his life merry!
He majored in stats, which she finds quite scary.
He has just one single semester to go,*
And he spends his free time playing water polo.

Lee’s start-ups survived by the skin of their teeth,
Their true worth still hidden like a sword in its sheath.
But all they have plans, worthy of Machiavelli, *
To shake the World Wide Web from here to New Delhi!

Gunner, Grady and Val, prove three dogs beat one elf,
For they give you great gifts you can’t put on a shelf! *
A wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Allow you to know you have nothing to dread.

God’s gifts to this world since He started His work,
Include all our blessings, plus one added perk:
When we have great worries (yes, even those),*
We can pray for peace from His Son who arose!

We drop to our knees, there is no need to whistle,
Away fly our fears as on the tip o' a missile.*
For we heard Him exclaim, ‘ere He rose out of sight,
"Fear not for I’m with you in day and in night!” *
Source(s):
http://www.carols.org.uk/twas_the_night_before_christmas.htm
http://thesaurus.reference.com/
http://dictionary.reference.com/
http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5057/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_Presidential_names#Frank...
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=mHUHcP3I0vsC&dq=twas+the+nig...
http://www.christmas-tree.com/stories/nightbeforechristmas.html
Bachelor's Degree in English from Lewis & Clark College


Permalink | Report