My ex-husband was a heavy functional alcoholic. We dated for 2 years before we got married and for 2 years I had no idea that he was a alcoholic. He was very good at hiding this. After we had been married a week, my new husband, out of the blue flew into a rage for no apparent reason, started throwing things around the house and then jumped into his truck and screamed down the road. At the time we were moving into our new home. I was totally confused by the whole episode and figured something must have happened at work or something. While he was gone, I went back to unpacking boxes and started finding empty liquor bottles in some of boxes. At that point, I realized why he raged and that I now had a problem. Over the next 6 years, the situation got worse and worse. He never got abusive to me but he did get very ugly. After the first episode he no longer drank in the closet but openly and let me know (by action) that this part of his life was more important than his marriage and his children.

It is a sad thing to see someone you love throw their life into the toilet. I started watching the situation very closely and determined that for him, the drinking was helping him to forget hurts from his childhood. Of course, any rational person knows that the problem won't truly go away because you are drinking and usually haunts you even more in sobriety causing another drinking episode.

I read all the books, talked to my priest, talked to my parents. I talked to anyone that had any experience on the subject. In the end all I could do way pray. First I prayed for my husband to come to terms with the demons that were haunting him. I finally was able to get him to open up to me about things. I found out about his brother sexually molesting him at 12, his father dying when he was 6, and a few other things that I will just leave alone. I never saw him as a true alcoholic because i figured that he was drinking in order to hide shame and hurt from himself. It was also obvious to me that he felt guilty about the things that he experienced. Basically, I saw him as a lost little boy in the woods.

I tried being very patient with him and talked him into seeing a counselor. The couselor was not able to get to the very bottom of his issues. They skimmed the top for about a year until my ex-husband finally quit going.

A year or so later, he decided to quit drinking. He didn't tell me anything but I noticed it. On the third day of him not drinking, I mentioned to him how proud I was of him for taking control of the monster that had plagued him for so long. I told him I was there for him to help him. Well he thought about it and left the house for awhile and came back totally drunk out of him mind. At that point, I decided that if he decided to quit again, I would not say anything to him about it. At least for a while.

About 6 months later, he tried to quit again. I noticed immediately but decided that this time, I was not going to say anything. I was just going to enjoy having him back. Three days passes and things were going good. I was in the kitchen fixing dinner when he came to me and said "I have not had a drink in 3 days and you didn't even notice". He left to go to the store and came back drunk again. I am thinking that I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

A couple of months later, he left the house after a rage, came home a few hours later and told me that he went to his first AA meeting. He was excited and talking about his sponsor, and reading all of the information. I thought that finally he was ready to fight this thing. For a week his sponsor kept in constant contact with him. We were having conversations about the process and getting ready to go to his first meeting sober. (the first meeting he attended, he was drunk. He just kind of stumbled into it on his last rage). The night of his first true meeting, he ran up to the store and came home later drunk. I was devastated. I called his sponsor and he came to the house to try to get him to go to his meeting, and he absolutely refused to go. His sponsor called me the next day while my ex-husband was at work and explained to me why he thought that my husband ran back to the bottle. He felt, as I did, that he was hiding behind the bottle to escape hurt and guilt. The alcohol has been his mistress for so long that now he was afraid that he could not live with out the escape. His sponsor kept in touch with him for a few months, but eventually faded out leaving me back where I was.

I am not going to go into all the details of this situation because it is just too vast. I will tell you that I continued to pray for him. But I was also praying that God would remove him from my home and my children. His ugliness was escalating and my children would run to my daughter's room every night when he came home to watch a movie just so they wouldnt have to be treated ugly.

He later had an affair with another woman and told me he was in love with her and I told him he was free to go. He also told me and my priest that he was sexually attracted to my daughter. I never really believed it. I believed that he was burning a bridge so that he would never have the possibility of coming back home. Even though I didn't believe him, I still had to take it seriously.

I did 2 things when he made his decision to leave. I called his little pop-tart and told her that she was my best friend for taking over my monster (she call me a b----) Then I moved back to Mississippi to be closer to family and give my kids a calmer life so that they could grow up in a normal atmosphere.

When dealing with an alcoholic, the only thing you can do is continue to fight. Arguing with a drinker is a waste of time. Ultimately, he has to be the one to decide to fight his own demons. If he wins, it will be amazing. But if he loses, the pieces get scattered far and wide and the damage is extensive.

Read the books and call the help lines and get all the information that you can. Pick your fights with him wisely. Keep your home as calm and serene as possible for your family because you don't want him to continue to drink and use you as the excuse. They are good at blaming the spouse for their problems.

One other thing that I did (and I know it sounds stupid, but made me feel better)was to look into colors to put into my home that were calming. I painted the inside of my home in 'cool' colors. Cool colors are soft blues, greens, neutral colors, and even silver is a calming cool color. I also looked into aromatherapy and found that lavender, vanilla, and ginger are good for calming down a home.

I wish you luck on this. It will be the hardest thing that you are likely to do but I can tell you that I will never want to do it again.

Honestly? You have to wait it out most of the time. Let them know that you'll be there for them when they're ready to stop. Offer to do activities with them that won't involve drinking, and to be around them right after they stop. Trying to make them stop by force with anything less than a full intervention will often prove futile, and just make them resent you or feel guilty - both feelings which they're more likely drink to avoid than try to talk out.

It can be difficult to watch someone destroy themselves and very tempting to offer up an ultimatum, something like 'I won't talk to you for a month if you drink anything tomorrow', but you have to understand that alcoholism truly is an illness. It's not something that can be controlled so easily. Make sure they know that you care about them and don't want them to hurt themself or anyone else. When they hit rock bottom, be there to offer a helping hand and don't judge them.

It's hard for most alcoholics to even admit they are alcoholics, and no one can change an alcoholic's desire to drink. That's the first step of the 12 step program that states an alcoholic admits he/she is powerless over alcohol. It seems to be very much a progressive disease, and as the person gets older and continues to drink, the drinking becomes more frequent and more intense. Some scientific studies now show that aging can really exacerbate the disease. It is the fortunate person who truly can admit they are an alcoholic and finally gets some help. Sometimes an intervention can help make the alcoholic realize how much his drinking has affected the entire family, friends and co-workers. It is a carefully planned get-together of close friends and family who actually confront the alcoholic in a less than argumentative fashion but truly speak their hearts and hopefully convinces the alcoholic at that time to seek some kind of therapy. That most likely ends up being a rehabilitation facility. After that, the alcoholic might find support in AA while the family affected might find support and help in ALANON.

Bottom line and it is sad and breaks up families, friends, careers, dreams and promises, no one can stop an alcoholic from drinking unless that person decides to get help. How do I know that? I have been down that very sad road with someone very close to me, and I chose to finally detach with love and end the personal chaos that had become part of my life. Active alcoholism is devastating to those of us who think or who thought at any time that we could make it " all better."

If an alcoholic is part of your life, please find support because it will rip you apart. My best to you.

Go find a good AlAnon group. (note the word "good" in the last sentence) A good AlAnon group can do wonders for a person struggling with someone else's addiction. It has even been known to save a few doomed relationships.

I gave my ex the ultimatum the kids and I or the booze, for a while he choose us but then he got a girlfriend (drinking buddy) and well he choose booze over us. We could not change him, for the draw of the booze was too much. It was an addiction he could not break.

First I would let them know because maybe theyy don't realize they do and maybe if they hear it from somebody else they will take a hard look at themselves and maybe try and straighten up. If they don't improve I would get a few other people who are close to the person and sit down with them so each of you can talk to the person and tell him/her your concerend because you truly care about them and you don't want to see them go down a hill and lose everything they have gained, I would tell them that if you need help each of us are hear for you to talk to and to be by your side.

You can only be there for them and let them know how you feel. Ultimately it is them who has to realize they have a problem AND do something about it. Noone will get them to see it, they have to and make the decision to stop. You can offer to go with to AA meetings with them if they decide to go. Offer to go and drive them whatever it takes to get them to stop. If you put the offer out there they may or may not take it, but at least they will know just how much you care for them. All you can do is be a friend, a true friend and listen and be there for them.

You can't help someone who doesn't see the need or want to change. You can try to convince the person there is a need by staging an intervention, but those often fail and cause alienation. People seem to have to hit their personal bottom before they will own and change their behavior. Bottom for some people is losing a job or a relationship. Bottom for other people is losing their life

Until the person is ready to change, he/she will lie and/or manipulate to try to keep it all together. Bottom is usually when their house of cards finally collapses,

If (when) the person is ready for change, suggest a program which will help hold them accountable to others facing or who have faced the same temptations. I think Alcoholics Anonymous is a solid program. Offer to go with them to their first couple meetings if they are hesitant.

Until they are ready, all you can do is pray, send positive energy into their lives in any form you can think of, and sometimes, you have to practice tough love - loving them enough not to enable their self-destructive behaviors. Almost all addicts (alcohol, drugs, sex, Mahalo) are co-dependent and seek out others who will enable them or who they can enable. Educate yourself about co-dependency and see what, if any, role you are playing in their lives. You can't change their behavior, but maybe changes you make in your behavior will result in changes in theirs.

Make sure that you take care of yourself, emotionally, first.

Some people have to hit bottom before they can climb back up to the top. All you can really do at this point is to refuse to be an enabler and then be ready to give them the love and support they will need as they finally realize what they are doing to themselves and their friends and family and decide to give up their addiction. And pray for them. A lot.

Mind your own business ;)