What is appropriate etiquette for an Atheist at a religious funeral service?
I am not looking to know what some etiquette book says, but what you would feel as a religious person, you would expect from me at your loved one's service. What do you guys think?
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M$10 Answers
Since you do not follow any religion, do not try and anticipate what is done during the service. This is partially because the "things" that are done during services varies with the religion- not too much, but enough.
So, I'd say that if you came to one of my loved ones' funeral, you should feel comfortable sitting when they sit, standing when they stand, NOT kneeling when they kneel if you don't want to (kneel if you want, your poor knees). The only thing you should do is bow your head a little if a prayer is being offered. That is respectful.
As for singing, if you like to sing, learn a few hymns and try to be ready, but again the songs at a funeral will depend on the religion, the sect and the choice of the bereaved.
Remember, you are there to show your respect (at the least) for either the deceased, the family, or the friends. No one should be looking at you to see if you are "performing" correctly.
The fact that you've asked the question states a lot about you and I assume you have done and will continue to do just fine.
me
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M$
If it's a Catholic service, some things to consider:
- Noone's offended if you don't speak or sing. Even devout Catholics can't participate verbally in Latin mass. Or French. Or Samoan. Try Polish...noone notices if you're singing badly.
- Don't genuflect (kneel & cross)...most Catholics don't get it right anyway
- Don't dip into the holy water.
- Don't light candles...mostly for safety. If you've never done it before, it can be intimidating, or, as one chap did, you could cause a small fire and/or burn yourself. Best to skip this on your first visit.
- If you're healthy, stand when everyone stands. Sit when they sit.
- Bow your head with everyone else, only if you feel so inclined. If you're standing in the back and you're curious, nothing wrong with watching the priest or looking around. Noone else should be looking up anyway. Anyone who sees you will assume you're not Catholic or you've got a problem with your neck. :)
- Sit when they kneel. It's not uncommon even for Catholics to sit when it is physically impractical (elderly, children, pregnant, sick, injured) or when a kneeler is broken or crowded. After communion, some sit, some kneel. Either is appropriate. Some kneel until the bread (representing the body of Christ) has been locked in the tabernacle.
- Don't prop your feet up on the kneeler. It's embarrassing when someone has to whack your leg in order to put the kneeler down. Everyone's sitting on the edge of the pew, waiting. Then, when you move your feet, the kneeler slams down loudly on the floor.
- Don't take communion (bread/wine). Communion is closed in the Catholic church.
- Some progressive churches ask anyone not taking communion to come up for a blessing. If you feel inclined, follow everyone in your row. When you get to the priest or "extraordinary minister" (which is a member of the church who can offer the bread/wine during mass), keep your hands down in front of you (clasped if you're praying) and say quietly "Bless me" or "Please bless me", then bow your head slightly. After the blessing, a proper response from you would be "Amen". Then, follow everyone back to your seat. Traffic patterns vary from church to church. Also watch that you're not following someone out the door. Many Catholics will bail right after communion. You know...to beet the parking lot crowds.
Don't worry. Plenty of crazy things happen all the time. Gloriously flaming candles (and plants, and deocorations). Trips and falls. Crying kids. Fainting. Flatulence. People saying, "Amen" really loud at the wrong time. Priests run out of bread. People choke on wine. Substitute altar boys can't find appropriate clothing and wear NFL t-shirts (Go Bears!).
We're all humans.
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M$
The tradition is men, but some modern Jewish women wear them too. Often you see fancy feminine ones, also optional. See what the others are doing. Also, in a service there are prayer books at each seat, with English and Hebrew on opposite pages. So, you can read along and know what's being said.
i've never been to a Jewish service, although i have brought food to friends sitting shiva. Do women ever wear yamaka's or is it a male only tradition?
It sounds as if this is a Catholic service of which you speak, and the only thing you really shouldn't do is take communion. Otherwise, just follow the cues of the priest, or the congregation. I know from personal experience I'm just grateful that friends and family are there to show their love and support, I'm certainly not looking to see if they are making appropriate responses to a ceremony that may be unfamiliar to them.
Most people realize you may not be of the same religious background as everyone at the service, and that's okay. You're there to pay your respects, not to make a statement about your religious beliefs.
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M$Sharing good memories and funny stories always work. If the person has helped you in anyway the family would probably like to know that, too.
Hope this helps.
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M$
It is wonderful when people come together like that. sorry about your grandmothers passing, but it sounds like you had and probably still have many people to help you through hard times such as those. lucky you :)
The weird thing was I didn't know most of those people there, just my family (there are five of us, small fam on that side). She was a special woman and it's nice to know that a variety of people can be civil when tragedy strikes some one. I'm sorry for your loss and I truly hope that all of these answers can help you out at least a little bit.
Take care.
Personal philosophy.
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M$
Being atheist does not mean being a religion hater. In fact most of the close-minded people I run into consider themselves religious or spiritual. All the atheists i know are very tolerant and respectful of a persons right to spiritual beliefs, and personal values. i wish i could say that about everyone, regardless of religious beliefs.
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M$
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M$
If you go up to the casket and want to kneel, that is appropriate. I didn't even go up to the caskets of my 4 grandparents, much less kneel. I think that if I had gone up, I would not have kneeled unless it was more comfortable (I could just be very rude). But- I was talking about the kneeling during the service itself.
I believe we did it in the Episcopal church I used to go to.
As for the crossing yourself, that sounds Catholic- do it or don't- it's not your religion. You don't believe in God and shouldn't feel pressured by yourself to do these things.
I was brought up Episcopalian and went to a Catholic school where we had to attend mass once in while. The Nuns would have thought it funny (odd) if I had done some of the "things" they do.
Thank you for the kind words. You are probably right. I'm sure no one is judging my performance but i would hate to offend a family member or close friend by not seeming respectful. I always dip my head during the prayer parts, but do not speak the responses.
Your answer brings up another question though, if the deceased is someone very close (my relative or close friend's relative i am very familiar with) i will kneel at the coffin for a few seconds, not praying, but bowing my head again. But there are occasions where i attend a service where i didn't know the deceased at all, i am there really for my friend's support. Is it appropriate to kneel then?