I agree that your example is key... and sometimes outside help is needed. You will need to determine that for yourself.

However, I do know of a program that helps all kinds of situations, this type included. I use it within my own life and for my children. It is the Peaceful Solution Character Education Program. There is simply nothing like it.

All behavioral problems are rooted in our character. Her character was affected by what she went through. This program teaches children and adults alike how to not be ruled by our emotions, but to be in control of ourselves. Often when people are trying to control others it is because they do not feel in control of themselves. I'm not saying that is the case with your daughter, but this program is very inexpensive and I've seen it work in all different kinds of circumstances.

They just had a seminar last week and I watched it live on the Internet. They have a link on their website and even though it isn't going on live now, there are clips from several seminars they had this summer.

It can't hurt to watch the videos and look at some of the sample lessons. I've seen it work wonders with others.

If the goal is to help her stop being controlling or to help her deal with the pain of her past, I think professional help is really the only option. I don't think members of the general public are equipped to handle situations like this, even if it's a parent/daughter thing.

Now, that said, I'm incredibly controlling. It works for me and I love it; I wouldn't have it any other way. That's not to say that I attempt to control other people in my life, but I do always make sure I have a position of power in situations I'm involved in. This includes everything from refusing to take minority positions in business deals to always providing my own transportation and refusing to rely on buses, cabs or another driver. Before changing your daughter, I'd stop and make sure that her behavior truly is having a negative effect; it may also be an effective strategy for keeping herself out of trouble.

With the molestation that you say attached to her behavior I think you should seek her help from a psychologists and not off of a page like this. I think her emotional trauma is deeper then anyone here can help you with.

Possibly the best way to teach a teenager anything is through example. They are very observant of their world and surroundings catching even the slightest details. These are skills and attributes which should be reinforced and encouraged. However getting compulsive over the details is never necessary, so teaching a kid the ability to 'let things go' can be of great value in adult hood. The key will be to treat it as a game or play. When the pivotal moment between control and release occurs, using a prop or interjecting a humorous expression may help remind a individuals that their mind might just be working overtime, and it may be necessary to just disengage that particular thought for the time being. The job of letting go can be hard work... at any age or circumstance.

Everyone has good and valid replies. Leave this one for the professionals. I can tell you first hand that this will take a long time heal. Change is a process not an event. Offer all of the support you can and in anyway. I really thimk a Doctor should be involved.