1 year, 11 months ago
What do you think of these opening paragraphs?
Stephen Buxton had just turned thirteen. He was quite tall for his age and well-built. He had short blond hair and blue eyes. His clean white shirt was tucked in and his navy school tie with yellow stripes was neatly tied. Instead of his usual black school trousers, today he wore a new pair of smart grey flannels, fastened with a black belt. His black shoes were well-polished.
As he was walking to school a girl in his class came up behind him. She was slightly shorter than he was and had long dark hair. Her name was Rachel Pearson. She wore a white blouse and a navy skirt.
‘Good morning, Mr Buxton,’ she said. Stephen blushed. She had always called him Stephen until now.
‘Good morning, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘You look very smart today,’ she said.
‘Thank you,’ he replied. He hadn’t overcome his uneasiness, knowing that she was looking at him admiringly, as if trying to work out what was different about him.
‘Are those new trousers, Mr Buxton?’ she asked.
‘Yes, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘They’re lovely,’ Rachel said. ‘I think they suit you.’
‘Thank you.’ There was a pause as they walked along together.
As he was walking to school a girl in his class came up behind him. She was slightly shorter than he was and had long dark hair. Her name was Rachel Pearson. She wore a white blouse and a navy skirt.
‘Good morning, Mr Buxton,’ she said. Stephen blushed. She had always called him Stephen until now.
‘Good morning, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘You look very smart today,’ she said.
‘Thank you,’ he replied. He hadn’t overcome his uneasiness, knowing that she was looking at him admiringly, as if trying to work out what was different about him.
‘Are those new trousers, Mr Buxton?’ she asked.
‘Yes, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘They’re lovely,’ Rachel said. ‘I think they suit you.’
‘Thank you.’ There was a pause as they walked along together.
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M$2 Answers
Several suggestions. First of all, it isn't terrible, it may even be salvageable, but it needs work. The sentence structure lacks variety, too many short simple declarative sentences. Some of them could be combined and rearranged to be more interesting and enjoy a better flow. For example, how about this for a start:
"Stephen Buxton was tall and well built for his age, a fact which was not lost on Rachel Pearson, although she wouldn't dream of saying something so fresh. He had just turned thirteen, but he felt no different than usual, with the same short blond hair and blue eyes as always, and the same clean white shirt and navy tie with yellow stripes. "
Another thing to consider is not putting in a "he said" or "she replied" after every line of conversation. I see the last line left out the identifier, and it is one of the better lines.
There seems to be a lot of description, which is not awful, but some action or a "grabber" is often a good way to start. Instead of describing, sometimes it is better to have the character BE whatever he is rather than telling us in description. Let Stephen look down at Rachel, or tower over her, or easily reach her books of the top of the coat rack, where few others could reach. Additionally, spreading out the description throughout the book is not a bad idea. This is known as developing the character.
Perhaps the single most important suggestion in my opinion is the need for a grabber, a hook. Something to make the reader want to keep reading. How about this: "But all the while, Stephen knew he would end up killing her just like all the others." Ok, that may be extreme, but it makes my point, I think.
I do like Rachel and Stephen, I hope they have a "first love" or a rip roaring mystery in their future.
"Stephen Buxton was tall and well built for his age, a fact which was not lost on Rachel Pearson, although she wouldn't dream of saying something so fresh. He had just turned thirteen, but he felt no different than usual, with the same short blond hair and blue eyes as always, and the same clean white shirt and navy tie with yellow stripes. "
Another thing to consider is not putting in a "he said" or "she replied" after every line of conversation. I see the last line left out the identifier, and it is one of the better lines.
There seems to be a lot of description, which is not awful, but some action or a "grabber" is often a good way to start. Instead of describing, sometimes it is better to have the character BE whatever he is rather than telling us in description. Let Stephen look down at Rachel, or tower over her, or easily reach her books of the top of the coat rack, where few others could reach. Additionally, spreading out the description throughout the book is not a bad idea. This is known as developing the character.
Perhaps the single most important suggestion in my opinion is the need for a grabber, a hook. Something to make the reader want to keep reading. How about this: "But all the while, Stephen knew he would end up killing her just like all the others." Ok, that may be extreme, but it makes my point, I think.
I do like Rachel and Stephen, I hope they have a "first love" or a rip roaring mystery in their future.
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M$Report Abuse
It should be pointed out that half of what you have written here are discriptions of the two characters. It is hard to rate this because there is no way to tell if their style of dress and their looks are important to the story. If they are not important to the story, why would you start out with it? Usually, the best stories start out with introductions into the thought patterns of the rest of the story. After your discriptive paragraph, you go into what appears to be small talk.
Remember, if you want someone to make it past the first page, you need to invite the reader to do so. There are many authors that have stated that the first page of your story should be the most important. If you do not do anything to reach out and grab your reader, they might not make it very far.
Remember, if you want someone to make it past the first page, you need to invite the reader to do so. There are many authors that have stated that the first page of your story should be the most important. If you do not do anything to reach out and grab your reader, they might not make it very far.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
