1 year, 3 months ago
What do I do about my closest friend taking her stress out on me? (Please read whole question, even though there's a lot to it)
My friend has done a lot for me since we met five years ago and, equally, I've done a lot for her.
We were both going through similar bad patches in our lives at the same time, which obviously brought us closer and we've lived together a couple of times as well.
Recently I've sorted myself out, been working full time for a year and haven't drunk alcohol for the last three weeks but she's stayed in the same situation. She's three years older than me but she's still drinking daily, not eating (she had childhood anorexia which seems to have resurfaced) and hanging around with the same people I had to detach myself from if I wanted to get my life back together.
I see her every weekend but on Friday I sent her a text saying I was staying in because I was so tired from work. I said I'd be in touch Saturday and pop round.
I rang her every couple of hours yesterday but her phone was off every time even though at times she was on Facebook on her phone.
I gave up and went to see someone else who I haven't seen in months, then when I got home I had a message on Facebook from my friend saying she was home but was staying in her bedroom, wasn't very well, etc. I replied saying that was ok and that I was going to sleep, then she replied with a load of other messages about how her house is a mess and her boyfriend doesn't do anything, she hates her landlord, etc. I read these messages as I was falling asleep and then woke up today and had forgotten about them.
I went about my daily Sunday business (mainly posting on Facebook and Twitter, drinking coffee and eating too much toast), then about an hour ago I decided to go to the shop to get some tobacco. I got back and suddenly my friend had posted on my wall saying "Haha, making a good point of been ignorant to me 4sum reason. Ta lou. Thats that".
Needless to say I was exceptionally confused and sent her a message. I'm not going to go into it and bore anyone further but basically she's decided I'm ignoring her on purpose because she didn't answer my calls last night.
I replied explaining (without apologising, as I have nothing to apologise for) that I haven't ignored her in the slightest, I asked what she had done for me to ignore her. I laid out my weekend in written form and told her that I haven't been in touch today as I assumed she would be in bed and/or not in the mood to see anyone and I didn't want to get on her nerves.
I also told her how I planned to pop round tomorrow afternoon after I've been to the dentist for my filling, but now I don't know what to think.
Since sending this I've tried ringing her and she didn't answer, then I called again and she had turned her phone back off so I've decided to stay off Facebook for the night as I don't have to deal with someone forcing drama on me just because they're stressed about everything else in their life.
I would really appreciate opinions on what others would do in this situation, even if I don't end up agreeing with them, all well thought out and appropriate answers will be graciously accepted ;)
We were both going through similar bad patches in our lives at the same time, which obviously brought us closer and we've lived together a couple of times as well.
Recently I've sorted myself out, been working full time for a year and haven't drunk alcohol for the last three weeks but she's stayed in the same situation. She's three years older than me but she's still drinking daily, not eating (she had childhood anorexia which seems to have resurfaced) and hanging around with the same people I had to detach myself from if I wanted to get my life back together.
I see her every weekend but on Friday I sent her a text saying I was staying in because I was so tired from work. I said I'd be in touch Saturday and pop round.
I rang her every couple of hours yesterday but her phone was off every time even though at times she was on Facebook on her phone.
I gave up and went to see someone else who I haven't seen in months, then when I got home I had a message on Facebook from my friend saying she was home but was staying in her bedroom, wasn't very well, etc. I replied saying that was ok and that I was going to sleep, then she replied with a load of other messages about how her house is a mess and her boyfriend doesn't do anything, she hates her landlord, etc. I read these messages as I was falling asleep and then woke up today and had forgotten about them.
I went about my daily Sunday business (mainly posting on Facebook and Twitter, drinking coffee and eating too much toast), then about an hour ago I decided to go to the shop to get some tobacco. I got back and suddenly my friend had posted on my wall saying "Haha, making a good point of been ignorant to me 4sum reason. Ta lou. Thats that".
Needless to say I was exceptionally confused and sent her a message. I'm not going to go into it and bore anyone further but basically she's decided I'm ignoring her on purpose because she didn't answer my calls last night.
I replied explaining (without apologising, as I have nothing to apologise for) that I haven't ignored her in the slightest, I asked what she had done for me to ignore her. I laid out my weekend in written form and told her that I haven't been in touch today as I assumed she would be in bed and/or not in the mood to see anyone and I didn't want to get on her nerves.
I also told her how I planned to pop round tomorrow afternoon after I've been to the dentist for my filling, but now I don't know what to think.
Since sending this I've tried ringing her and she didn't answer, then I called again and she had turned her phone back off so I've decided to stay off Facebook for the night as I don't have to deal with someone forcing drama on me just because they're stressed about everything else in their life.
I would really appreciate opinions on what others would do in this situation, even if I don't end up agreeing with them, all well thought out and appropriate answers will be graciously accepted ;)
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M$1 Answer
Hi. Well I read this, and thought to myself, sounds to me like your friend is wanting to have an argument. That sounds a bit cruel, but consider the facts. You have changed your lifestyle, and she hasn't. So, therefore, you are not swimming in the same waters anymore, so to speak) So, consider this, if she has been out really late, clubbing, with other people, she knows that perhaps at a very late hour, when she gets home, (under the weather, perhaps), that maybe you won't be available to listen to her gossip or complaints, or whatever. So, she has turned the tables, by saying you have ignored her messages, which of course you didn't), but it just inflames the situation by her implying it. I would suggest, as you said you have been very good friends, for a long time, to make one more exception, and invite her for a coffee, and sit and have a good talk. Explain to her, that just because you aren't willing to have a drink, you can still go out, even if you are just drinking Coke, or whatever) That this should not affect your friendship in any way, But make it clear, if you have said you will be available to chat or talk till say 11-12 in the evening, that you have work in the morning etc., not to take offense if you don't answer her messages after this time. ( I only used 11-12 as example, you will tell her your times). If she continues to be snippy, it looks like she is trying to somehow dissolve the friendship, as good friends should have a good understanding of each other, not pass nasty comments). When you have coffee, you can then ask her, if she is having any problems, and you are willing to listen, but make it clear, you are trying to improve your lifestyle now, and don't need added hassles. You will know yourself, what her reaction is, and I'm sure you will know what the best option to take in the end. Hope this was not to harsh of a answer, but when one is a bit older(like me) we have a different slant on things! Stay cool, and it will work out!
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M$
Not harsh at all, I agree with you :)
I'd just like to make it clear though that she wasn't out drinking or anything, she was home all night as she has a bad knee, is waiting for an operation and hasn't left the house for weeks. Also I do go round there every weekend and join in (apart from the drinking bit) but she's annoyed as I didn't respond to her ranting messages about her boyfriend and the landlord, she thinks I'm ignoring her due to her not answering the phone, when really all I've done all day is sleep and go on the internet and I forgot about her messages.
Basically, she's stressed at home and stressed about everything in her life so she's found a molehill and turned it into a mountain so she has something to argue about (so you were right on that one!)
Thankyou for reading and responding so patiently ;)