1 year, 7 months ago
What can I do to be happier?
I am not sad, and I am not depressed, but I do not think I am as happy as I can be. What would be a good suggestion on how I can find ways to be happier? Do you think a pet or a change of scenery would help?
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M$12 Answers
Don't be such a good girl.
"If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else." Joseph Campbell
"Don't get even, get odd."
"Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it, the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
it comes and softly sits on your shoulder. " L. Richard Lessor
First, is to discover how you are feeling. You say not sad and not depressed, But what are you feeling? Bored, anxious, tired, irritated, lonely, disappointed, etc.
Each of these feelings are associated with an unmet need. Take a look at the needs wheel and discover what needs are unmet.
Say that you are bored, so the need might be for excitement or inspiration.
Or if the feeling is loneliness, the need would be for friendship, connection, love
Or irritation and anger: You are telling yourself that another person "should" be doing something else, or someone is telling you to do something you are not wanting to do. The unmet need in either case is choice, freedom and autonomy.
The feelings are like the indicators on the dashboard of a car. The lights and gauges tell you what the car is needing. Likewise, feelings are indicators of what needs of yours are met or unmet, depending on the feeling.
Lastly, brainstorm on strategies to get those unmet needs met. Think out of the box and follow your passion. Be a little different. A little bit of anxiety actually can be labeled as excitement.
If you respond to my comment, I will be able to guide you further.
Be the change you wish to see in this world.
duenhsiyen
What I am describing is based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg and his process of nonviolent communication (NVC).
"If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else." Joseph Campbell
"Don't get even, get odd."
"Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it, the more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
it comes and softly sits on your shoulder. " L. Richard Lessor
First, is to discover how you are feeling. You say not sad and not depressed, But what are you feeling? Bored, anxious, tired, irritated, lonely, disappointed, etc.
Each of these feelings are associated with an unmet need. Take a look at the needs wheel and discover what needs are unmet.
Say that you are bored, so the need might be for excitement or inspiration.
Or if the feeling is loneliness, the need would be for friendship, connection, love
Or irritation and anger: You are telling yourself that another person "should" be doing something else, or someone is telling you to do something you are not wanting to do. The unmet need in either case is choice, freedom and autonomy.
The feelings are like the indicators on the dashboard of a car. The lights and gauges tell you what the car is needing. Likewise, feelings are indicators of what needs of yours are met or unmet, depending on the feeling.
Lastly, brainstorm on strategies to get those unmet needs met. Think out of the box and follow your passion. Be a little different. A little bit of anxiety actually can be labeled as excitement.
If you respond to my comment, I will be able to guide you further.
Be the change you wish to see in this world.
duenhsiyen
What I am describing is based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg and his process of nonviolent communication (NVC).
images:
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M$
For me personally I have found that if I want to be happier I have to relax and let a lot of things slide.
I have to make a conscious effort to care less about a few things in my life and frankly outside of my life as well. I use the term "circle of responsibility" and this to me is what I can care about at any given time and still remain happy. I really have to spend considerable time defining what the boundaries of my circle are and investigating individual facets of my thoughts and actions and the displayed thoughts and seen actions of others to determine if they are important enough to me that I can make room in my circle of responsibility for them at that present time.
I can explain this a lot more clearly than that though.. I also calling it relaxing. I have pets and they help out with serenity in me and give me a lot of joy I would imagine that a pet(s) might help you out as well. I also like to volunteer in my city so I can feel like I have at least done something to help out improving the community I live in and I will betcha volunteering would help you feel happier as well. I call these types of things "polite self distractions" and they help my head considerably.
I also have issues with strong negative projection on the future and this happens in my head involuntarily. Does this happen to everyone? I dunno but to fix this in my head and make the hyper poor doom and gloom outlook on the future that is causing me to be unhappy go away I have a little exercise I like to do.
Step 1.- I imagine the worst case scenario. This is pretty easy as like I said my head just does this while it is on auto pilot and it makes me unhappy a lot but I use this step to help define the next step.
Step 2. - I imagine the best case scenario. This is actually easier than it seems as all I have to do is imagine the exact opposite of my preprogrammed worst case scenario vision.
Step 3. - Now I say to myself as I look at those two projections that neither is really very likely to happen. When looked at together and end to end it is really easy for me to see that they both are really kind of ridiculous and highly improbable.
Step 4. - The realization. At this point I have been relived of my unhappiness and tension as I now can see and easily accept that neither the best case or the worst case scenario will happen and reality will very likely fall right smack dab in the middle of the two and that is never all that bad.
I know a lot of the above might be strange pathology but the suggestions, descriptions, and steps I describe above are the methods I use to allow myself get happier when I need to :)
Now after reading this answer again... I going to recommend to myself that I take a vacation. :)
I have to make a conscious effort to care less about a few things in my life and frankly outside of my life as well. I use the term "circle of responsibility" and this to me is what I can care about at any given time and still remain happy. I really have to spend considerable time defining what the boundaries of my circle are and investigating individual facets of my thoughts and actions and the displayed thoughts and seen actions of others to determine if they are important enough to me that I can make room in my circle of responsibility for them at that present time.
I can explain this a lot more clearly than that though.. I also calling it relaxing. I have pets and they help out with serenity in me and give me a lot of joy I would imagine that a pet(s) might help you out as well. I also like to volunteer in my city so I can feel like I have at least done something to help out improving the community I live in and I will betcha volunteering would help you feel happier as well. I call these types of things "polite self distractions" and they help my head considerably.
I also have issues with strong negative projection on the future and this happens in my head involuntarily. Does this happen to everyone? I dunno but to fix this in my head and make the hyper poor doom and gloom outlook on the future that is causing me to be unhappy go away I have a little exercise I like to do.
Step 1.- I imagine the worst case scenario. This is pretty easy as like I said my head just does this while it is on auto pilot and it makes me unhappy a lot but I use this step to help define the next step.
Step 2. - I imagine the best case scenario. This is actually easier than it seems as all I have to do is imagine the exact opposite of my preprogrammed worst case scenario vision.
Step 3. - Now I say to myself as I look at those two projections that neither is really very likely to happen. When looked at together and end to end it is really easy for me to see that they both are really kind of ridiculous and highly improbable.
Step 4. - The realization. At this point I have been relived of my unhappiness and tension as I now can see and easily accept that neither the best case or the worst case scenario will happen and reality will very likely fall right smack dab in the middle of the two and that is never all that bad.
I know a lot of the above might be strange pathology but the suggestions, descriptions, and steps I describe above are the methods I use to allow myself get happier when I need to :)
Now after reading this answer again... I going to recommend to myself that I take a vacation. :)
source(s):
personal experience
personal experience
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M$
Letting things go, makes me happier, or less angry anyways, as well.
Thanks for the 'circle of responsibility' bit. Unconciously I have been doing this as well. This is also great advice.
Good for you for volunteering. Some of us don't have that kind of motivation.
"negative projection on the future", you're not alone in this.
Vacations are GREAT! Have fun.
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Drop everything and read (or listen to on Audible.com... ohhhhhh audible... love audible) the books authentic happiness and LEarned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
He is the leading thinker in the psychology of happiness.
Edge.org has a lot of info on Martin:
http://www.edge.org/video/56k/seligman.html
http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/seligman04/seligman_index.html
http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/bios/seligman.html
These were life-changing books for me.... also someone who was very happy, but was able to figure out how to be EVEN MORE happy!
He is the leading thinker in the psychology of happiness.
Edge.org has a lot of info on Martin:
http://www.edge.org/video/56k/seligman.html
http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/seligman04/seligman_index.html
http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/bios/seligman.html
These were life-changing books for me.... also someone who was very happy, but was able to figure out how to be EVEN MORE happy!
images:
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M$
A pet or a change of scenery may well help, they are not bad ideas.
I have another Idea, one that works for me. I too sought happiness, as I heard from so many directions that it was my right, it was what I deserved, it was the ultimate goal to be sought after with all my might. One day, on my pilgrimage to find the Holy Grail of happiness, I stopped for a minute, for some reason that I cannot remember, and I began to think about all the reasons to be thankful. I began to realize that I had done nothing especially different from others to earn these things, they have just been given to me. The longer I sat and thought about how grateful I was to have so many blessings so near at hand, the more I began to realize that I already WAS pretty darn happy. You could say that on my search for happiness I found thankfulness, and almost as soon as I did, I tripped over the happiness which was right in front of me the whole time. Oh, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve your life or anything like it. I only want to share with you what turned out to be one of the most blessed discoveries of my life:
A heart filled with gratitude has no room for unhappiness.
I love this song and hope you will too:
I have another Idea, one that works for me. I too sought happiness, as I heard from so many directions that it was my right, it was what I deserved, it was the ultimate goal to be sought after with all my might. One day, on my pilgrimage to find the Holy Grail of happiness, I stopped for a minute, for some reason that I cannot remember, and I began to think about all the reasons to be thankful. I began to realize that I had done nothing especially different from others to earn these things, they have just been given to me. The longer I sat and thought about how grateful I was to have so many blessings so near at hand, the more I began to realize that I already WAS pretty darn happy. You could say that on my search for happiness I found thankfulness, and almost as soon as I did, I tripped over the happiness which was right in front of me the whole time. Oh, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve your life or anything like it. I only want to share with you what turned out to be one of the most blessed discoveries of my life:
A heart filled with gratitude has no room for unhappiness.
I love this song and hope you will too:
videos:
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M$
Hi Kate!
I made this video JUST for you, but don't worry, there's nothing in it that identifies you, but in the video it's obvious that I am speaking directly to someone in particular, and that person is you. I started out just typing my suggestion, but I needed to provide an explanation as to why/how I came about this solution to feel happier but half way thru it I got tired of typing and didn't want it to be so long, so I just recorded me telling you the rest, hahaha! but after you read/watch this make sure you click on the 2 links I provided at the end... these are the TWO things that made me feel happier, but the video also gives you some other good advice!
I talk kinda fast in the video only because I was trying to hurry so I didn't hold you up if you had somewhere to be, so you have to turn up the volume so you can hear what I am saying... I give you some pretty good advice here, so make sure you try some of these tips! and Feel HAPPY!! hahaha!
I felt EXACTLY how you do, and I was baffled by it, because I am a generally happy person by nature, very bubbly and excited about life and always smiling and laughing a lot. Then one day, I felt as if my happiness and well being were gradually slipping away and there was nothing I could do to feel better, I had this void in me and nothing could fill it, no matter what I tried. I constantly tried to occupy my time and keep busy... it seems the more I did that, the more I became anxious, and then I just felt nervous all the time, as if I
were expecting something bad to happen... So now, not only was I slightly depressed, I also had picked up some kind of underlying fear which like the depression, I couldn't put my finger on...
I'm not sure how I came across this, but to the best of my recollection, I was looking thru the classified ads trying to find an activity to take up just to get me out of the house when I came across an ad for a job interview. I didn't even need a job, I already had a good job as a nurse at the hospital, I had actually called in sick the past couple days leading up to this because I just couldn't go to work in the frame of mind I was in. Something about this ad caught my attention, I have no idea why, I certainly didn't want to get a 2nd job when I could barely make it to my first but the ad said to call & they'll do a phone interview & if you make it past the phone interview & get scheduled for a face to face interview they give you $40 cash just for showing up for the interview, even if you didn't get hired! I think the reason why I was so drawn to this ad even tho I didn't need or want a job was because it piqued my interest since it posed a challenge. The reason I found it to be challenging was because I have a good speaking voice, I am articulate so I just wanted to do it because I finally felt confident in something I could accomplish, so I called the number & when the girl answered the phone, the first thing I noticed was how upbeat & friendly she was, she sounded like she didn't have a worry in the world, & that everything in her life was just perfect. I thought quickly & realized, that whoever was hiring for this job, THIS is what they wanted you to sound like & it must be hard to pass that phone interview, cause otherwise, they'd be giving out $40 left & right & would go broke! I immediately followed this girls lead & mirrored my voice to sound like hers, I followed her voice inflections & when she laughed , so did I. It's amazing, how when you fake something, you can actually start to feel it! what's that saying? "Fake it, til you make it?" well, I passed the phone interview & went down later that day for the face to face interview & to get my $40! & something happened that I did not expect! please watch the video for the rest of my story, I am tired of typing!
Be sure visit the 2 links below AFTER you watch the video because these are the true reasons I am so much happier now!
http://www.brainstemdr.com/testimonials/index.html
(the very 1st testimonial on the page by G.G. is mine, I wrote it about 2 months ago, but the event occured almost 10 years ago.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R127MHLZW7SJLU/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
(this testimonial is mine as well, and it's what truly changed my life and made me a much happier person)
Here is the links to the video (youtube only allows 10 minutes and this video is 15 so I had to split it up into part one and part two, but it's all one video:
Part One:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tie6p3V2MPs
Part Two:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3uLP8RQRJM
I hope this information helps you feel happier, let me know how things are going and if you feel happier gown the road, also, contact me for advice anytime, I have lots of good ideas, tips, and advice to better your life :o) Good Luck & Be Happy!
I made this video JUST for you, but don't worry, there's nothing in it that identifies you, but in the video it's obvious that I am speaking directly to someone in particular, and that person is you. I started out just typing my suggestion, but I needed to provide an explanation as to why/how I came about this solution to feel happier but half way thru it I got tired of typing and didn't want it to be so long, so I just recorded me telling you the rest, hahaha! but after you read/watch this make sure you click on the 2 links I provided at the end... these are the TWO things that made me feel happier, but the video also gives you some other good advice!
I talk kinda fast in the video only because I was trying to hurry so I didn't hold you up if you had somewhere to be, so you have to turn up the volume so you can hear what I am saying... I give you some pretty good advice here, so make sure you try some of these tips! and Feel HAPPY!! hahaha!
I felt EXACTLY how you do, and I was baffled by it, because I am a generally happy person by nature, very bubbly and excited about life and always smiling and laughing a lot. Then one day, I felt as if my happiness and well being were gradually slipping away and there was nothing I could do to feel better, I had this void in me and nothing could fill it, no matter what I tried. I constantly tried to occupy my time and keep busy... it seems the more I did that, the more I became anxious, and then I just felt nervous all the time, as if I
were expecting something bad to happen... So now, not only was I slightly depressed, I also had picked up some kind of underlying fear which like the depression, I couldn't put my finger on...
I'm not sure how I came across this, but to the best of my recollection, I was looking thru the classified ads trying to find an activity to take up just to get me out of the house when I came across an ad for a job interview. I didn't even need a job, I already had a good job as a nurse at the hospital, I had actually called in sick the past couple days leading up to this because I just couldn't go to work in the frame of mind I was in. Something about this ad caught my attention, I have no idea why, I certainly didn't want to get a 2nd job when I could barely make it to my first but the ad said to call & they'll do a phone interview & if you make it past the phone interview & get scheduled for a face to face interview they give you $40 cash just for showing up for the interview, even if you didn't get hired! I think the reason why I was so drawn to this ad even tho I didn't need or want a job was because it piqued my interest since it posed a challenge. The reason I found it to be challenging was because I have a good speaking voice, I am articulate so I just wanted to do it because I finally felt confident in something I could accomplish, so I called the number & when the girl answered the phone, the first thing I noticed was how upbeat & friendly she was, she sounded like she didn't have a worry in the world, & that everything in her life was just perfect. I thought quickly & realized, that whoever was hiring for this job, THIS is what they wanted you to sound like & it must be hard to pass that phone interview, cause otherwise, they'd be giving out $40 left & right & would go broke! I immediately followed this girls lead & mirrored my voice to sound like hers, I followed her voice inflections & when she laughed , so did I. It's amazing, how when you fake something, you can actually start to feel it! what's that saying? "Fake it, til you make it?" well, I passed the phone interview & went down later that day for the face to face interview & to get my $40! & something happened that I did not expect! please watch the video for the rest of my story, I am tired of typing!
Be sure visit the 2 links below AFTER you watch the video because these are the true reasons I am so much happier now!
http://www.brainstemdr.com/testimonials/index.html
(the very 1st testimonial on the page by G.G. is mine, I wrote it about 2 months ago, but the event occured almost 10 years ago.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R127MHLZW7SJLU/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
(this testimonial is mine as well, and it's what truly changed my life and made me a much happier person)
Here is the links to the video (youtube only allows 10 minutes and this video is 15 so I had to split it up into part one and part two, but it's all one video:
Part One:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tie6p3V2MPs
Part Two:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3uLP8RQRJM
I hope this information helps you feel happier, let me know how things are going and if you feel happier gown the road, also, contact me for advice anytime, I have lots of good ideas, tips, and advice to better your life :o) Good Luck & Be Happy!
videos:
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M$
Have one on me! Well, not ON me.
images:
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M$
Spend less time on the computer. Sleep more. Taking a trip through your subconscious can actually help you sort a lot of stuff out.
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M$
Pinpoint what is holding you back from being more happier. Conflicts in your mind need to be resolved. How about some good excercise 3-4 times a week, watch the energy spurts, you will feel like a new woman. This will turnover positive feelings even if they weren't. No matter where you go what you buy, your mind and thoughts will always follow you. Start of with brisk walking with a friend and you will feel 100% complete.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
My suggestions:
Surround yourself with people that make you happy (notice I did not say 'things'". My 2 yr old niece and my 3 yr old nephew make me veeeery happy. It reminds me of pure innocence. Play with them. I remember when they finally sat in my lap after they warmed up to me. I felt soooo accepted, and it was the purest of happiness at that very moment.
Take some alone time everday, even if its just an hour, and get away from the unhappy things for a bit (even if the unhappy things are dishes). You need alone time.
I pet is a great idea, they do funny things, that may make you laugh. Laughing releases happy chemicals, what could go wrong? :o) But do remember if you decide to go this route, please realize financially how much it would affect you, and adopt from the Humane society.
Roma is right about exercise. You will have more energy than you know what to do with, after you've worked out for a while. I will be starting back up after a month of not working out. I am so excited. :o)
Do things that make you happy, but also try not to spend too much money on it, you will not be happy if you are in debt. Afterall, even the most hard working person gets tired of doing tedious things.
You know, a vacation does sound great right about now, and I think it's just about time too. my last vacation was, two months ago! Agh! I think it's time for some alone time with Hubby, though, we actually already have plans with other people for the next couple of weeks. :o(
Surround yourself with people that make you happy (notice I did not say 'things'". My 2 yr old niece and my 3 yr old nephew make me veeeery happy. It reminds me of pure innocence. Play with them. I remember when they finally sat in my lap after they warmed up to me. I felt soooo accepted, and it was the purest of happiness at that very moment.
Take some alone time everday, even if its just an hour, and get away from the unhappy things for a bit (even if the unhappy things are dishes). You need alone time.
I pet is a great idea, they do funny things, that may make you laugh. Laughing releases happy chemicals, what could go wrong? :o) But do remember if you decide to go this route, please realize financially how much it would affect you, and adopt from the Humane society.
Roma is right about exercise. You will have more energy than you know what to do with, after you've worked out for a while. I will be starting back up after a month of not working out. I am so excited. :o)
Do things that make you happy, but also try not to spend too much money on it, you will not be happy if you are in debt. Afterall, even the most hard working person gets tired of doing tedious things.
You know, a vacation does sound great right about now, and I think it's just about time too. my last vacation was, two months ago! Agh! I think it's time for some alone time with Hubby, though, we actually already have plans with other people for the next couple of weeks. :o(
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
One thing that has always made me happier is to do something nice for other people. I felt great about the day I spent volunteering at The Special Olympics in my home town. I enjoyed feeding my grandmother who was blind and in the nursing home. I enjoy helping someone write a resume. And I feel good about being able to work on my friends computer when she has problems with it.
Find a shelter or soup kitchen in your hometown so that you can volunteer some of your time. Find a group that works toward gathering gifts for underprivileged children or nursing home residents. You'd be surprised how much it means to the elderly just to have someone bring them a card at Christmas and smile at them.
Find a shelter or soup kitchen in your hometown so that you can volunteer some of your time. Find a group that works toward gathering gifts for underprivileged children or nursing home residents. You'd be surprised how much it means to the elderly just to have someone bring them a card at Christmas and smile at them.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
Excersize, you feel happier as your brain releases endorphins that make you happy.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
Live in the moment you are in and enjoy it rather than always thinking and planning for future.
Praise yourself if you want others praise you more
Think that 'I am responsible for anything happens to me and I can do everything or solve it'
think positively, rather than chasing wealth, start loving and caring others, instead of worrying about time, bring creativity for the time you have,
think less logically and more emotionally.
must spend time while thinking about yourself, know more about self, try to strengthen your qualities rather than eliminating weaknesses.
be smile always and enjoy the life, whatever you have, combine your all resources and utilize them smartly for your own happiness.
Life is too short, so don't waste it as most of the people do - just live with passion :)
Thanks
Praise yourself if you want others praise you more
Think that 'I am responsible for anything happens to me and I can do everything or solve it'
think positively, rather than chasing wealth, start loving and caring others, instead of worrying about time, bring creativity for the time you have,
think less logically and more emotionally.
must spend time while thinking about yourself, know more about self, try to strengthen your qualities rather than eliminating weaknesses.
be smile always and enjoy the life, whatever you have, combine your all resources and utilize them smartly for your own happiness.
Life is too short, so don't waste it as most of the people do - just live with passion :)
Thanks
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
This comment was very well thought out. I never thought about emotions as an unmet need. That explains a lot of things.
@meyermv : Emotions and feelings are the indicators to whether a need is met or unmet. If you feel happy or tickled, then I would guess your need for fun and play are being met. If you feel disappointed, then perhaps a need for competence or connection were not being met. The needs are universal, everyone has needs, and I might add that all these needs are beautiful and precious. Once you know what you need, then make a request of either yourself or of another to try to get the need met! Be cognizant that everyone has a constantly changing set of needs, and so you would like to find a strategy that meets the needs of everyone involved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsu0hkHQlkA@kateperez : Thank you for the tip! I feel happy to have contributed to your well being and understanding.
I was thinking that oftentimes we have trouble just getting started on a new track because of our fears of being ridiculed or judged. Here is a song by Kelly Bryson that I recorded at a workshop I attended and I hope will be of some encouragement. You actually can hear me at the beginning making the request that he sing this song: Caw Caw Caw:
I just discovered this second video, which is of him doing an improvisational conflict resolution role play demonstrating NVC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t1Ic1xNsW4
you're very welcome @duenhsiyen ... yes, I visited the NVC Academy link and watched the video by Kelly Bryson and found it very enlightening! thank you for contributing such useful information, I am going to check out your other link now :)
Thank you @ianswer4u for your comment and tip! I feel much appreciated. I just responded to this question and I hope you enjoy reading my answer as well as looking at the supplied links. Is being empathic a supernatural power intuition or gift?
Also, the latest issue of Johns Hopkins Magazine is devoted to the subject of happiness:
http://magazine.jhu.edu/category/happiness/ Has many short but insightful articles on the subject.
This is just awesome. One of the most useful and neatest things I have seen in a long time. Thanks for posting this, I'm sure it will help more people than you realize.