Tip goes to the best Santa Claus joke.
Example: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
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M$7 Answers
~~SANTA'S BAD DAY ~~
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Original Bad Santa with Axe
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
~~
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M$
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
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M$
Your foot.
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M$
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
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M$Nicholas Was…
Older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.
The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.
Once very year they forced him, sobbing & protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.
He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
39 Degrees North: Christmas Card 2010 from 39 Degrees North on Vimeo.
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M$
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
Because we knew we would be having a few drinks we phoned a cab company and requested a taxi. Rudolph needed his rest. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night (what with all the gifts and all). So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon - ' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away.
'That stupid b**** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Ho Ho Ho !
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M$A: The Department of Santa-tation!
Yep, I made this one up jusssst now.
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M$
