Tell me a joke for my birthday.
I'm somewhat partial to absurd humor ("How many Dadaists does it take to change a light bulb?" "A FISH!").
Bar jokes are also great, but you'll have to come up with one I haven't heard. (Skeleton walks in a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and a mop.")
And I also go for the incredibly obscure ("Why did the Lubavitchers increase the guard on the late Rebbe's tomb?" "Death threats from the Satmarers." -- To about 0.0001% of the population, this is a total screamer, believe me.)
Tip goes to the joke that gives me the biggest laugh. I'll make my decision on Monday morning.
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M$21 Answers
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on he bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a
while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the man led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied. "How does it work?" asked one of his friends.
"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's 2 in the freaking morning!"
A black man is having a conversation with God: "Tell me, Lord," he says, "how come I am so black?"
"You are black," replies God, "so that you can withstand the hot African sun."
"Tell me, Lord," continues the black man, "how come my hair is so short and kinky?"
"So that you will not sweat in the hot African climate," replies God.
"Tell me, Lord," implores the black man, "how come my legs are so long?"
"So that you can escape from the wild beasts that roam the jungles of Africa," replies God.
"THEN TELL ME LORD," shouts the black man, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN CHICAGO?"
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M$
First old lady had a stroke.
Second old lady had a stroke.
Third one's arms were too short.
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M$
(According to the research project of The University of Hertfordshire)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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M$
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
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M$--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While he is waiting for his wife to give birth, a doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son regardless and
raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is finally old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son that he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender
still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the
whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new
hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left... then to the right... right through the front door, into
the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head".
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And for a little geekiness:
What kind of lingerie does a mermaid wear?
An algae-bra!
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M$
Oh, no. Please stop. :-D
Oh, me too! I'm full of 'em.
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender shouts, "Get out! We don't want your type in here."
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My kids will love the algae-bra joke--especially my son, who, for some utterly inexplicable reason, loves puns.
After eating all that cake, you'd surely end up with beer solutions below:
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M$
These are two of my favorite jokes. Even though my family tells me they're NOT funny, can't help but laugh every time I hear them! Hope they make you smile!
"Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under my arm".
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said.... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
............................................................................................................................
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
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M$
All good ones. I haven't heard the frayed knot one in a long time.
Both old favorites. Heard this one?:
A superhighway walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The highway responds, "Look here, I am a SUPERhighway. I can make a lot of trouble for you if you won't give me a drink." The bartender relents and hands him a drink.
A few minutes later, a 4-lane road walks into the bar. The bartender says, "We do NOT serve your kind here!" The road glares at him. "You'd better serve me. I may not be as big as that superhighway over there, but I can still make a lot of trouble in here." The bartender grumbles, but gives the road a drink.
Finally, a skinny little strip of concrete comes into the bar. He quietly orders a beer. The bartender stamps his foot. "THAT'S IT!," he yells. "I'm done. The superhighway and the 4-lane road may be able to threaten me into giving them drinks, but I will NOT serve you a beer. WE DO NOT SERVE YOUR KIND IN THIS BAR!"
The 4-lane road leans over to the bartender and says, whispering nervously, "I think you'd better serve him." "Why the hell should I!?," replies the bartender.
And the 4-lane road responds, looking around furtively, "He's a bit of a cycle path."
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M$
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"
This one is kind of an absurd Joke ,
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Sick Bar joke,
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
Stupid Joke, I am a female, lol,
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
One that I have heard from people :p
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M$
"I've never come this way before." Said the nun in the rear to which the front nun replied:
"It's the cobble stones."
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M$
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
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M$
- Dad, I want to win a shotguns on my anniversary.
- What is it, boy! And that this is for a boy of five years?
- But I want a shotguns, Daddy!
- I will not give, no way!
- Oh, give!
- Not I!
- Give!
- Not I!
- Enough! - Shout the father - who is in charge here?
- You. But if I had a shotguns ...
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M$* * *
An economist, a physicist and a mathematician are flying over Scotland. They look out of the plane window and see a black sheep on the hillside.
"Ah," says the economist. "So, Scottish sheep are black! How interesting!"
"No buddy", says the physicist. "Some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician sighs and shakes his head. "There exists in Scotland at least one sheep, which is black on at least one side."
:)
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M$
A classic. How about this one:
A physicist, an engineer, and an economist are captured by an evil genius and thrown into his dungeon, each in a separate cell. He gives each one a can of beans and tells them: "This is all you get for food. If you can't open the can, you starve."
The engineer scratches his head, does a couple of quick estimates in the dust on the floor with his finger, whacks the can 3 or 4 times on the wall at a rough angle, and gets the can to break open enough to extract the beans.
The physicist spends a few hours constructing some mathematical models of can-floor collision dynamics and finally gives the can a single, hard whack. The top pops off cleanly, and the physicist eats his fill.
Two days later, the evil genius opens the door to the economist's cell to find him collapsed on the floor, weak and muttering in a barely audible whisper: "Assume a can opener."
That's good but I feel harsh on economists. After all it's not a physical science, so a tin can would prove to be an insuperable problem for them. :)
"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"
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M$
This joke is called... "Daddy, How Was I Born?"
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how
was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my drive. As soon as I was
ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared that said...
...you've got male!"
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M$You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$Gorge W. Bush went to a cattle market
and he was asking: where are those cows from??
>>they are from England, sir!!
>>what about those sheep??
>>they are Australian, Sir!!
>>and that donkey, where is he from??
>>that's a mirror, sir!!
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that's an Arabic joke so I had to tweak it a little, sorry (-_-")
My pals ;)
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M$
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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M$
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
Cover me... I'm changing lanes.
Honk if anything falls off.
I souport publik edekasion.
Honk if you are just a honker.
Honk if you're horny.
Horn broken - watch for finger.
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M$You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$Too many cheetahs.
Don't know if that's a winner, but I heard it from a dealer in Vegas over the weekend. Table had great vibe.
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M$
LOL @rick... Thx
Hope u had a blast!