2 years, 3 months ago
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So, I left my boyfriend...and I'm devastated...what should i do?
I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I love him with every part of my being...and I left him. He was so mean to me and I finally broke free...broke free into a life of tears and lonely nights...is it really worth it?
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M$14 Answers
It was worth it... but now it's time for you to recognize why it was. You were in an abusive, co-dependent relationship. You made a decision for yourself or for your family to leave that relationship because it was causing harm to you or to someone you also love. Real, mutual, healthy love should not cause harm or pain. Now, you need to analyze for yourself the whys of co-dependency so that you can break the pattern and form a healthy relationship next time!
No matter who you are, you are worth more... you deserve more!
It takes an average of seven (7) times before the average woman will leave an abusive relationship. Some women leave the first time... some women never leave. The reasons that people go back into abusive situations include:
1) Lack of self-esteem
2) Lack of resources
3) Fear of the unknown
4) Fear of the abuser
Whether the abuse is verbal, mental, or physical, it erodes self-esteem over time. You are told, implicitly or explicitly, that you are not worth any more than you already have, that you can't do any better, and/or that you can't make it on your own... and at some point, you begin to believe that. It's not true. An abuser will seek to isolate you from family or friends and to tear you down in whatever way possible so that you will cling to him/her. Even if you are isolated, know that there are resources to help you get out of the situation.
Sometimes, people stay in abusive situations because as bad as it is, at least they know what to expect. The fear of the unknown is stronger than the fear of the familiar. And sometimes, the abuser threatens worse violence if you leave.
You asked what to do now. Love you. Love yourself enough to find resources, family, friends, and self-understanding. What were you getting from the relationship? Was it a sense of being needed (validation)? Was it a sense of helping (rescuing)? What *needs* were being met? How can *you* meet those needs for yourself or in a different way?
Even if you don't need their services, find a women's shelter and ask them about counseling resources. Even if money is tight, many counselors working with shelters will provide counseling on a sliding fee scale. Also, ask about support groups... I know it feels like you are all alone in this, but there are others like you, that have gone down this same path and might be able to help you.
Plan something special for you - treat yourself! If you need to be pampered, find something that makes you feel special, pretty, happy! As crazy as it sounds, plan something nice for someone else, too... part of you wants and needs to be appreciated by others!
One day at a time... heal... find more out about yourself... build yourself back up again... make yourself go out and live even if you don't feel that way yet - fake it until you make it!
No matter who you are, you are worth more... you deserve more!
It takes an average of seven (7) times before the average woman will leave an abusive relationship. Some women leave the first time... some women never leave. The reasons that people go back into abusive situations include:
1) Lack of self-esteem
2) Lack of resources
3) Fear of the unknown
4) Fear of the abuser
Whether the abuse is verbal, mental, or physical, it erodes self-esteem over time. You are told, implicitly or explicitly, that you are not worth any more than you already have, that you can't do any better, and/or that you can't make it on your own... and at some point, you begin to believe that. It's not true. An abuser will seek to isolate you from family or friends and to tear you down in whatever way possible so that you will cling to him/her. Even if you are isolated, know that there are resources to help you get out of the situation.
Sometimes, people stay in abusive situations because as bad as it is, at least they know what to expect. The fear of the unknown is stronger than the fear of the familiar. And sometimes, the abuser threatens worse violence if you leave.
You asked what to do now. Love you. Love yourself enough to find resources, family, friends, and self-understanding. What were you getting from the relationship? Was it a sense of being needed (validation)? Was it a sense of helping (rescuing)? What *needs* were being met? How can *you* meet those needs for yourself or in a different way?
Even if you don't need their services, find a women's shelter and ask them about counseling resources. Even if money is tight, many counselors working with shelters will provide counseling on a sliding fee scale. Also, ask about support groups... I know it feels like you are all alone in this, but there are others like you, that have gone down this same path and might be able to help you.
Plan something special for you - treat yourself! If you need to be pampered, find something that makes you feel special, pretty, happy! As crazy as it sounds, plan something nice for someone else, too... part of you wants and needs to be appreciated by others!
One day at a time... heal... find more out about yourself... build yourself back up again... make yourself go out and live even if you don't feel that way yet - fake it until you make it!
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M$
This is just my opinion, but when I was out of my emotionally abusive relationship, I felt this huge amount of loss, guilt, anger that I even felt loss because he was such a jerk, regret, embarrassment and relief. It was just a jumble, and it was so intense. Everyone kept on telling me "it's for the best," or "you'll get over it in time," but those things didn't really help. Feelings are feelings. They aren't practical or logical or anything you can command. They just are. It hurts to let them flow, but I think it's actually for the best. Give yourself some time apart from other people and really feel everything. For instance, if you feel sad, don't push it away. Let yourself feel sad. Don't think "but I _shouldn't_ feel sad!" Tell yourself "should or shouldn't doesn't matter. I do feel sad" and then just feel it. Really let it happen. If you feel angry, feel that too. If you find yourself feeling grateful for those few moments when he was nice to you, let yourself feel that as well (that one can be hard at first).
Don't fight your hurt. It has to happen.
When you're in a calmer place, I strongly recommend you think about some counseling (there are free and sliding scale counselors out there. Ask for a referral. There are also codependent anonymous meetings you could try). In order to be with an abusive person, you need to adapt to that. You sort of evolved to be able to tolerate him, and you now have some adaptations that it will be time to get rid of. You may find that you're addicted to his approval because it was so hard to get. You may need to adapt back to being concerned more with your own approval. You may have trouble separating the good feelings (because there were some) from the sad feelings, because he was so mean. It can take time to thank someone for the good times while also recognizing that there was no excuse for the abuse. You don't have to hate him. You don't have to forgive him either. You can appreciate him (if you want to--you don't have to, but a lot of people will tell you to deny that feeling if you have it, which is bad advice in my opinion) and also know that he isn't capable of being healthy with you either.
Lean on some friends in the meantime, and be very gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You did something very strong for yourself by leaving him, and you are entitled to feel your hurt, experience whatever emotions come up for you, and to allow yourself to heal.
I can't give you any quick answers, because there are none. I will however tell you that no one deserves to be abused, and that no matter what you did, he did not have the right to be verbally or physically abusive to you. He is also not a victim. No matter what his sob story is, he had the responsibility to regulate his own behavior and be good to you. He was an important part of your life, and I'm guessing for a long time. He meant a lot to you. You don't have to forget that. But you do owe it to yourself to be safe and happy.
Whatever you're feeling, feel it.
Don't fight your hurt. It has to happen.
When you're in a calmer place, I strongly recommend you think about some counseling (there are free and sliding scale counselors out there. Ask for a referral. There are also codependent anonymous meetings you could try). In order to be with an abusive person, you need to adapt to that. You sort of evolved to be able to tolerate him, and you now have some adaptations that it will be time to get rid of. You may find that you're addicted to his approval because it was so hard to get. You may need to adapt back to being concerned more with your own approval. You may have trouble separating the good feelings (because there were some) from the sad feelings, because he was so mean. It can take time to thank someone for the good times while also recognizing that there was no excuse for the abuse. You don't have to hate him. You don't have to forgive him either. You can appreciate him (if you want to--you don't have to, but a lot of people will tell you to deny that feeling if you have it, which is bad advice in my opinion) and also know that he isn't capable of being healthy with you either.
Lean on some friends in the meantime, and be very gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You did something very strong for yourself by leaving him, and you are entitled to feel your hurt, experience whatever emotions come up for you, and to allow yourself to heal.
I can't give you any quick answers, because there are none. I will however tell you that no one deserves to be abused, and that no matter what you did, he did not have the right to be verbally or physically abusive to you. He is also not a victim. No matter what his sob story is, he had the responsibility to regulate his own behavior and be good to you. He was an important part of your life, and I'm guessing for a long time. He meant a lot to you. You don't have to forget that. But you do owe it to yourself to be safe and happy.
Whatever you're feeling, feel it.
source(s):
experience
experience
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M$
It isn't a life of tears. You will be tearful for now, but you will thank yourself six months from now. You deserve someone who will respect you and treat you with care.
It WILL get better.
It WILL get better.
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M$
I feel so bad for you. It will be worth it honey. It might not feel like it now, but the pain will pass. Physical and mental abuse should never have any part of a relationship, no matter what the excuse is. You cannot and should not put yourself through that. But no matter what the reason, I know it hurts to end a commitment. You must believe that time will heal you, and there will be another relationship, and you can have a man that loves you and only lays his hands on you for caressing, comfort and pleasure. That is what a true man really is. Forcing another to suffer through a relationship is, excuse my language, an ass. Period. Even mental abuse will take its toll on a person. Calling names and making accusation instead of saying, “Wow baby, you look beautiful in that.", or “I am so thankful I have you" is plain ridiculous. Having a man to take his time with you and let's you live the way you want to while he is listening and communicating with you seems to be the best way for a relationship these days. Remember beautiful that you don't need to worry and its ok to give a little smirk when you see the cute guy down the halls buns of steel and know that on that day at that moment you made the right decision and you CAN move on. Good luck honey and I wish you nothing but the best. Wink.
source(s):
former advocate of domestic violence
former advocate of domestic violence
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M$
It may be cliche, but time does heal all wounds. Stay busy and devote yourself to helping others, and it will keep your unhappiness out of your mind. I don't know how long you were together, but also allow yourself to grieve. Look up the stages of grief, and realize that everyone who is grieving goes through the same feelings.
Men tend to jump right into dating again after a breakup, while women tend to mourn for longer, so don't let that hurt you. It's just how men are. They have to "be the man", so they don't want others to know they're hurting, but they are.
Above all, don't talk to your ex, or even his friends, and if you do talk to his friends, don't talk about him. If they try to bring it up, just say something like "That's between us, but thanks for your concern."
Men tend to jump right into dating again after a breakup, while women tend to mourn for longer, so don't let that hurt you. It's just how men are. They have to "be the man", so they don't want others to know they're hurting, but they are.
Above all, don't talk to your ex, or even his friends, and if you do talk to his friends, don't talk about him. If they try to bring it up, just say something like "That's between us, but thanks for your concern."
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M$
@windowshopping2 gave a great and thorough answer. My small advice is to find music and movies that are about women (or men) surviving breakups. Those sorts of things help me by reminding me that I'm not the only person who has ever had those emotions, and that other people have gotten over their grief and so can I.
A quick search on Google for "happy breakup songs" yielded these results:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091120164212AAv45Ug
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091117094657AAU9t3V
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080529121143AAZNi6t
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081111122639AAJWCOH
A search for "happy breakup movies" yielded these results:
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_150/172_dating_list.html
(it may be from askmen.com, but it's a great list for everyone)
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/top-10-break-up-movies-656702.html
http://atlantafilmfestival.com/component/option,com_myblog/show,Breakup-Movies-for-Dudes-Inspired-by-500-Days-of-Summer-.html/Itemid,48/
(again, it says it's for "dudes," but breakups are universal. also, don't forget to watch (500) Days of Summer, the newest entry in the genre.)
A quick search on Google for "happy breakup songs" yielded these results:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091120164212AAv45Ug
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091117094657AAU9t3V
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080529121143AAZNi6t
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081111122639AAJWCOH
A search for "happy breakup movies" yielded these results:
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_150/172_dating_list.html
(it may be from askmen.com, but it's a great list for everyone)
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/top-10-break-up-movies-656702.html
http://atlantafilmfestival.com/component/option,com_myblog/show,Breakup-Movies-for-Dudes-Inspired-by-500-Days-of-Summer-.html/Itemid,48/
(again, it says it's for "dudes," but breakups are universal. also, don't forget to watch (500) Days of Summer, the newest entry in the genre.)
source(s):
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091120164212AAv45Ug
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091117094657AAU9t3V
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080529121143AAZNi6t
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081111122639AAJWCOH
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_150/172_dating_list.html
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/top-10-break-up-movies-656702....
http://atlantafilmfestival.com/component/option,com_myblog/show,Breakup-Mov...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091120164212AAv45Ug
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091117094657AAU9t3V
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080529121143AAZNi6t
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081111122639AAJWCOH
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_150/172_dating_list.html
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/top-10-break-up-movies-656702....
http://atlantafilmfestival.com/component/option,com_myblog/show,Breakup-Mov...
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M$
trust me, its worth it. you just have to keep your mind off things.
everything works out in the end.
and if you two were truly meant to be, it'll happen again. he'll learn whatever mistakes me made and realize you were the best thing for him. it will be fine.
and if not, it's his loss and you know it. it's always gonna hurt when you leave someone. you cant let the pain consume you. you've got to rise above it and hold your head high.
you can do it.
everything works out in the end.
and if you two were truly meant to be, it'll happen again. he'll learn whatever mistakes me made and realize you were the best thing for him. it will be fine.
and if not, it's his loss and you know it. it's always gonna hurt when you leave someone. you cant let the pain consume you. you've got to rise above it and hold your head high.
you can do it.
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M$
You already have the answer yourself. You put it in your question. You broke free. Now that you are emancipated, delete him from your phone, immediately. No more emails, phone calls, text messages. Move on.
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M$
It's really tough but you don't deserve the misery that he gave you. You may cry, cry all the tears you have for him and soon you will realize that you have to move on. He doesn't deserve your love. There are a lot of things you can do. And you should remember that life is so short so spend it wisely. Spend it with the things and people that make you happy.
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M$
I have every confidence in your ability to get through this! You are here asking for help and that is a good first step. I married in my early 20s and my ex would not get mental help or a job. It finally became near-abusive physically and very emotionally abusive and I had to leave him. The first week was the hardest. I felt like I broke my vow by leaving, but it was really he who had done so.
After I gave it some time, I met my current husband and soul mate. He is a responsible, confident, and compassionate individual. I look at it this way--the bad experiences also shaped who I am, and my husband loves me for who I am, so in a way I am glad I had to go through that. This will make you stronger.
After I gave it some time, I met my current husband and soul mate. He is a responsible, confident, and compassionate individual. I look at it this way--the bad experiences also shaped who I am, and my husband loves me for who I am, so in a way I am glad I had to go through that. This will make you stronger.
source(s):
personal experience
personal experience
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M$
Yes you are worth a little lonliness in the short term for the possibility of happiness in the long run! Absolutely you are. Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth anything. You are! I hope that those of us you reached out to can be company in the meantime while you get through your feelings of lonliness. After you do, I hope you see that it was totally worth it to break free of this man who was mean to you. Someone being mean to you is not love.
I hope that you have family and friends who really love you. If they are far away I hope you have a way to call them. I hope you have work that you like doing. If you don't, then I hope that you find some, and keep yourself busy and make some friends. If you have kids and can't work, then I hope that you meet some other moms at the library who can become your friends. To sum it up I really hope you reach out to some good people who will be nice to you so that you are no longer lonely.
I hope that you have family and friends who really love you. If they are far away I hope you have a way to call them. I hope you have work that you like doing. If you don't, then I hope that you find some, and keep yourself busy and make some friends. If you have kids and can't work, then I hope that you meet some other moms at the library who can become your friends. To sum it up I really hope you reach out to some good people who will be nice to you so that you are no longer lonely.
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M$
Yes, you will find out it is worth it or you would not have followed your inner voice and what you truely know what is right in your heart.
If you stayed in the relationship, you would have buried yourself further making it harder to get away from him.
This is giving you a new start in life and realizing the kind of man you don't want to be with. No one deserves any one being mean to them, it just brings your self esteem so far down that you may not be able to climb back up.
I say-Good For You for taking a step forward towards a better life.
If you stayed in the relationship, you would have buried yourself further making it harder to get away from him.
This is giving you a new start in life and realizing the kind of man you don't want to be with. No one deserves any one being mean to them, it just brings your self esteem so far down that you may not be able to climb back up.
I say-Good For You for taking a step forward towards a better life.
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M$
It isn't a life of tears. You will be tearful for now, but you will thank yourself six months from now. You deserve someone who will respect you and treat you with care.
Term papers
Term papers
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M$
You were on the right track when you fired him. No one deserves to be treated badly. You loved him but you knew he didn't return that love so you left him. Life is way to short to be with someone who makes you miserable in any way. I read a book that changed my life when I was a young woman, it doesn't really matter how old you are. I am going to suggest, insist, get down on my hands and knees and beg if necessary, that you read this book...http://www.shvoong.com/books/4300-men-hate-women-women-love/...this is a link to the book review, I am pretty sure that you can buy it on Amazon.com. Do yourself a huge favor and get it as soon as possible. The title is Men Who Hate Women, And The Women Who Love Them.
People in Hati are devastated, you are just a little co-dependent. You must learn to value you yourself, and be surrounded by others that value you. Take some time to volunteer at a shelter, or to help kids in need, or anything to help others, fill your lonely evenings with doing something that will make you feel good about you. You sound like a loving giving person, share that with humanity. Take some classes, anything to better yourself. You may also benefit from some counseling or a life coach. Anytime spent working on yourself is far more rewarding than dumping your love, time and energy into someone who doesn't respect you. There is so much to live for. Take this advice and see what happens. Men are attracted to women who are happy and confident, arm yourself with knowledge and give yourself some of that love you've been tossing away on someone who doesn't give it back. If you take this advice you will feel better in no time and probably have a date or two lined up with a nice guy.
It will all be worth it if you do the right thing. Or you could go back for some more abuse.
People in Hati are devastated, you are just a little co-dependent. You must learn to value you yourself, and be surrounded by others that value you. Take some time to volunteer at a shelter, or to help kids in need, or anything to help others, fill your lonely evenings with doing something that will make you feel good about you. You sound like a loving giving person, share that with humanity. Take some classes, anything to better yourself. You may also benefit from some counseling or a life coach. Anytime spent working on yourself is far more rewarding than dumping your love, time and energy into someone who doesn't respect you. There is so much to live for. Take this advice and see what happens. Men are attracted to women who are happy and confident, arm yourself with knowledge and give yourself some of that love you've been tossing away on someone who doesn't give it back. If you take this advice you will feel better in no time and probably have a date or two lined up with a nice guy.
It will all be worth it if you do the right thing. Or you could go back for some more abuse.
You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$
I agree with this answer 200%. You may love your ex, but he proved himself time and time again to be unworthy of that love. Love is not a one-way street. It's either equal in both or else it's pointless. Since he proved himself not to love you as you loved him, move on and start being good to yourself. In time, the pain of loss will fade.