Coming out is a process, and while it is not something that should be taken lightly in most situations, it is something that will help you to greatly improve your self-esteem and self-respect. I encourage you to not get discouraged in your efforts or by others who have a discriminating view towards lesbians and gays. Keep in mind, that coming out takes time, and it is usually not something that you can accomplish in one conversation. More than likely, this will stir up a great deal of emotions for both you and your mother, and it could take her some time to process what you are telling her and come to terms with it. Like someone else said here, it may be that she already suspects this to some extent, but that does not necessarily make it any easier.

There is a book on this subject that I know has been very helpful for a lot of people. It is called "Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers," by Michelangelo Signorile. In this book, the process of coming out includes coming out to yourself first and being comfortable with your identity. There is one section of the book that talks about standing in front of the mirror and not only saying "I am gay" or "I am a lesbian" over and over, but also using all of the dirty words as well and learning to become comfortable with that. For example, some might repeat the words "I am a dyke," "I am a lezzie," or "I am butch" over and over in order to make themselves more comfortable with that. Not only does this exercise help you to become more comfortable with yourself, but it can also teach you how to respond to those who are perhaps more judgmental and less excepting of your sexual orientation, including your own family (sadly).

I know that you have in fact outed yourself here on Mahalo several times and perhaps elsewhere online. That tells me that you are already becoming quite comfortable with yourself and have probably already accepted who you are. The next step in this process is reaching out to others in the LGBT community and establishing your support network. There are pride centers and equality centers nationwide. These centers usually host events for LGBT members of the community for this very reason. I know that where I live, there is also a coming out workshop that is held at the equality center that offers support and advice for those struggling with the issue of coming out to others. Having a good support system in place is crucial, and it can give you not only someone to talk to who shares your points of view on a lot of things, but it can make you feel even better about your decision to come out to others, particularly when you are faced with people who are making harsh comments.

Once you have made some friends in the LGBT community, you should come out to your best friend and your other close friends first. (If most of your friends are also lesbians, this is obviously a lot easier to do.) Then, you can come out to your family members (or just your mom, if you prefer) and make the decision to come out to coworkers, employers, or others.

I highly recommend this book. It has a lot of great insight and advice, and also provides many real life experiences of others. I think it is definitely a good idea that you waited until after you moved out of your mother's house to make this decision. You can never tell how another person is going to react to any situation, even your own family. I really hope that she is not only receptive to what you have to say, but also willing to listen to everything that you need to say. I am with @bunnyphuphu on this one: if you were my daughter, I would be very proud of you!

As a side note, I would also look for a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in your community, This organization can help parents and others whoa re struggling to make sense of things and do not know how to be supportive.

Only you can answer this for yourself.

How does your mother feel about homosexuality?
Does she suspect?
Does she think it is genetic or a choice?
Does her faith state that it is "evil/sin"?
Might she be on Mahalo reading this question? ^_~

You should make the determination based on these answers.

I tend to lean to honesty in all situations even if it creates stress as a relationship that survives difficulties becomes stronger.

Your timing may be tough though, if her reaction is poor right before your birthday it could add to your stress and disappointment, you may want to tell her after you get to celebrate with her.

Do you really think your mother doesn't know?

One of my best friends has four children, and her oldest son is gay. He didn't say anything about it forever, and finally they were on a road trip and she just asked him if he ever planned to mention being gay. It kind of stunned him that she not only knew, but that she wasn't bothered by it, and that she would bring it up. It cleared the air for them in one big gust of honest conversation. She is also very religious (in a liberal sort of way) and didn't love her son any the less for it.

Think positive. She doesn't want to lose your love any more than you want to lose hers, one hopes. I'd say make the plunge and get it off your chest. Sometimes things that you think might be very unpleasant are best dealt with directly (you know, like fighting nausea - you usually feel a lot better once you finally throw up. Same principle here. Don't eat yourself up, get it out and feel healthy.) I have a cousin who worried and worried about telling his mom, my aunt, and he was unaware that all of us knew all along that he was gay. It wasn't a big deal, and he could have spared himself a lot of misery.

Secrets are toxic to relationships.

If you don't tell her, you will never have a true relationship with her, based on who you truly are. It's possible your mother already "knows" in her heart...but has been afraid to broach the topic with you. It's also possible that she will turn her back on you when you tell her.

You can't control the reaction of others, though- so you need to decide if a "half-relationship" founded on an untruth is worth the stress it causes you.

If you choose to tell her, tell her early in the visit, so she has time to process it while you are together.

Good luck

Having read what you have posted so far, I'm guessing that you are feeling a bit scared and uncomfortable because you are wanting safety, acceptance, honesty, love and harmony. What I would like to contribute here are some techniques on how to give yourself empathy, which would be the first step in getting clearer in your mind of what you are wanting to say, and how to say it.

I'm wondering what kinds of thoughts go through your mind when you are thinking about what to say to your Mom? Are you saying to yourself things like:

"My Mom is not going to love me anymore."
"My parents are going to reject me."
"My parents are going to judge me as being bad."
"I'm a coward for pretending for so long."

These are just guesses. Whatever the internal dialog, your thoughts trigger one or more feelings. So, for example, the first thought might trigger the feelings of pain, hurt, or terror. The second thought might trigger the feelings of fear, sadness or loneliness. The third might trigger anger. The fourth might trigger pain frustration and fear.

Feelings are like the lights and other indicators on the dashboard of your car. In other words, when the fuel gauge is low, the car is trying to tell you that it is low on fuel and energy. If the temperature light is on, then the car is trying to tell you that it is feeling hot. Likewise, the feelings you are experiencing are also indicators of something you may be needing. So for example, the feeling of fear or terror may be connected to a need for safety. The feeling of hurt may be tied to a desire for acceptance or love. The feeling of pain may be tied to a desire for honesty and openness. The feelings of frustration and anger may be tied to your needing freedom and choice. A feeling of loneliness might indicate you are wanting more belonging, connection and communication.

Based on the above insights, you can give yourself self-empathy by formulating statements like:
"I'm experiencing pain because I am wanting to be open and honest. "
"I am scared because I am needing acceptance and love."
"I feel sad and lonely because I am wanting closeness and connection."
"I am feeling angry because I want freedom, choice and autonomy."
Just by being able to state succinctly and clearly how you are feeling and what you are needing is comforting and liberating, and will open up your mind to new ways to cope with your situation.

Another simple technique that can lead to some detachment and clarity regarding your needs is to append to the beginning of each thought, the phrase "I am telling myself that....." So for example:
"I am telling myself that my Mom is not going to love me anymore."
"I am telling myself that my parents are going to reject me."
"I'm telling myself that my parents are going to judge me as being bad."
"I'm telling myself I'm a coward for pretending for so long."
This is called "content to process shift."

After you have identified your needs, you can also say to yourself:
"I am loving it when my need for acceptance has been met."
"I am loving it when my need for honesty and understanding are being met."
"I really love it when I feel connected."
When you can imagine your needs being met, of having your wishes fulfilled, this imagination can give you the energy and confidence to make the changes in your life you want. Imagine what it is like being connected to your parents again. That feeling of safety, acceptance and love.

Now, no one can predict with certainty what your Mom or Dad's reaction will be. If you get understanding and acceptance, then I'm imagining you will experience relief or joy. On the other hand, their reactions may be realizations of your worst fears. In that case, you could. for example, express disappointment and sadness. When I hear you say......., I feel sad and disappointed, because I want so much to be connected with you again, to feel accepted and loved. If your immediate reaction is anger, rather than expressing it, give yourself self-empathy and try to dig beneath it to the underlying feelings, such as disappointment or sadness.

It takes a bit of courage to do what I am suggesting. Men, for example, often have great difficulty even connecting with their feelings.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you. If you are willing to share in more detail, I may be able to offer something more specific.

The technique that I am describing here was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and is called Nonviolent Communication or Compassionate Communication. I have found it very helpful in dealing with difficult situations. I wrote the Mahalo page on listening skills based on his work.

duenhsiyen
Duen Hsi Yen

Awww, I am nervous for you. Being that you have not told her yet, I suspect there is a reason. If she was completely open minded and non judgmental, I believe you may not be nervous about telling her, or perhaps you may have already told her. Maybe I am wrong and I hope so.

I am not gay, but I was the black sheep growing up. My family is very Catholic (or religious) and things need to be done a "certain way" or there would be a huge fight and condescending words. I honestly felt miserable. I decided when I got married and had kids, I would raise them how I wanted to, loving and NON JUDGMENTAL. When I tell them I love them unconditionally, I mean it. Coming out of my shell and being "me" caused big conflict. When I finally decided to be myself, I felt free. That statement sounds so easy to say, but I honestly feel like a was a bird caged up, finally able to soar and be happy. Coincidentally, I really no longer speak to my family (except my Mom who is ill.) I was not going to let my family be "looked down upon" as I was my whole life.

The reason I mention this is that you may feel "free" once you tell your Mom. Holding back and having to pretend to be what others "think" you should be gets tiring. As long as you prepare yourself for a good or bad response and be prepared for her to possibly not talk to you anymore, then I say tell her.

Like the others mentioned, maybe she has always known, but the subject is just too uncomfortable for her. Your Mom is your Mom. And when you ARE in a relationship, how nice would it be to be able to bring that person around for holidays?

Do what you feel in your heart is the best move for "you."

If you are not ready, or the timing is off, just wait.

I want to give you a hug girl!!!
Good luck!!

In all aspects of life I find if you want to get something off your chest, the sooner the better.

To be honest, you should have done it already. I don't know your mom but I am seriously doubting that she will ex communicate you because you are gay. Most mothers have pretty unconditional love.

She may be disappointed about no grandchildren, but you can ease her nerves by telling her about how wonderful adoption is. Besides that, I can't imagine a good mother overreacting to something like this. In fact, she probably already knows. Mother always knows what is happening with her child.

Imagine how you would feel if your mom took you to the side, sat you down and said "My partner and I have been trying some new things in the bedroom. . . "ok, that will help you imagine how awkward this conversation could potentially be for your mom. Have some compassion for the lady. Even if she reacts badly at first, she may come round. And she may surprise you by saying, "I knew all along." Some moms are intuitive that way.

Is there any real reason to tell her? How "out" are you with the rest of your life? Many of my gay friends find they can show up year after year to family gatherings with partner in tow, and the savvy relatives "figure" it out, and the homophobic ones take comfort in it being a mystery.

I have also had friends who feel strongly they need to make a stand. Ok, ok, I guess if you were heterosexual you would want to share things about your relationships with your mom, is that what you imagine will happen by breaking the news?

Is your partner going to be at the birthday, and is that person pushing for recognition? Only you know how deep the relationship is. If it's a long term committed relationship you owe more to your partner than your family of birth - just the same as if you were heterosexual. If it's a new relationship, you might ask yourself what you think of your partner pushing you to do something so scary for you.

If no one is pushing you, ask your self what you hope to accomplish by "coming out." The answer will dictate your decision.

> I'm not sure what to do.

Based on everything that you say... I think you do know what to do.

You are scared to do it, and don't know how to do it. But that's a different thing.

What may help is to say it the way you have said it to us....

"I've been wanting to tell you for the longest time, and I really regret I didn't do it before."

There's no way to know exactly how she'll react in the moment, though there's every chance it will be much more understanding and supportive than you'd even hope for. Whatever happens, if you remember that your mom loves you and you love her, whatever the instant reaction, it will all get worked out in time, and probably in a pretty short time.

My bet would be that if you have this conversation sometime ahead of your birthday party, you'll have the best birthday of your life.

I'll keep it short. TELL HER! She's your Mom, she'll always love you and there's a pretty good chance she probably already has a good idea and is waiting for you. Get the 800LB. gorilla out of the room and it will make everything else go easier as you can again have a relationship with her that is honest. Good Luck!

don't worry , ur mom really nice & she will agree

Honesty is the best policy. I do not think waiting until one moves out should be the deciding factor. But, I realize that practical matters are easier to opine about from a distance.

I would not pick a birthday or other holiday to introduce potential discord to a family. Break it gently, on some nondescript day. Then use a holiday to make up, if necessary.

Disclaimer: this is theory, I have not been in this position nor have I seen actual scientific research about it. But you asked for Mahaloian's advice, so that's mine.