Please hear me out. About 9 months ago I left college and moved hundreds of miles from northern Michigan to eastern Pennsylvania to be with my girlfriend. We got an apartment together, she was happy, I was happy, and I was working enough so she’d be able to not work and go to college. At some point something changed. I don’t know what, or even when, and I wasn’t even aware of it until after the fact, but it must have happened because my girlfriend dumped me the day after Christmas. Didn’t see it coming at all. In fact, I had this ring. Yes, that kind of ring. Ironically, I was going to give it to her New Year’s Eve. Figure that. I ended up tossing it off a bridge in the weeks following. In a way I regret it, as I could have sold it to get myself out of this mess, but at the same time I don’t. She moved out and vanished from my life after nearly two years together. Ripped her name off the mailbox, took the car, and moved out. I’ve been sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor (the bed was hers) in an empty apartment every since. Haven’t been sleeping very much since either. About 1-3 hours a night. It just keeps going around and around in my head. Where and when did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? She’s already seeing someone else. Her family is treating me like I dumped her, and I just… don’t know.

Since she left, I know my performance at work has deteriorated, and my hours have been cut as a result. I’m no longer able to make the rent and utilities on my apartment. Stop. I’m not asking for money, nor would I take any if offered, so don’t let idle assumptions lead you there. I’ve been looking for a second job with no success, and at this point, even if I were to be hired today, the paycheck would come to late. Simply, I won’t have a place to stay in a little less than 2 weeks. I alienated my family when I moved all the way out her and left college to be with her, so getting help in that area isn’t an option. I know because I’ve asked, only to be met with silence and a click as the line goes dead. I’ve even looked into doing something questionably stupid and for the wrong motivations, like joining the peace corps. I don’t mind volunteering in any capacity, and at least I’d have room and board and some time to figure things out before I find myself out on the street with no car and no friends. However, I’ve done a little research, and the application process for volunteering in the peace corps is a lot more involved and time consuming than what can be reasonably be accomplished in two weeks. I’ve also done some research into other volunteering options (http://www.wisebread.com/volunteer-to-travel-11-opportunities-for-free-or-v ery-cheap-travel), but it seems that the application process for these type of programs are all similarly complicated and lengthy. It’s also difficult to complete an application with address and other contact details when you know that information is going to be invalid very shortly.

I’m tired. Tired of giving my love, my hopes, my trust, my time freely to those around me, those I love. Tired when they seem so willing to throw those things away, so willing to leave me on the ground to bleed. It hurts when you still deeply care for those who no longer want your love, no longer wish to hear your voice. I’m not even looking to be loved, but I don’t think I can stand being vilified. Hell, I think I’d settle for a hug, but that hasn’t happened.

I’m not sure what I need to do. I don’t even have a clear idea of what to do in general. I don’t even know what kind of help I’m asking for since I’m not even sure how to help myself. I guess what I’m looking for is some sort of option, other than begging, and something that’ll keep me from ending up on the streets. I know someone is going to suggest this, but I do not intend to join the military in any capacity. I know it’d probably be a way out, but I can’t consciously and actively support killing other human beings, regardless the cause. I’m trying to swallow my pride, I really am.

Someone help…

Please…