This is a great question!

~ Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad
~ If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
~ Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Source(s):
http://www.funnysayings.org/

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Better in front of a bottle than a frontal lobotomy.



(say it out loud for best effect)
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"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
-- George Carlin

"Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?"
-- Clifford Stoll

(from http://www.brainyquote.com)


“Man is always marveling at what he has blown apart, never at what the universe has put together, and this is his limitation.”
-- Loren Eiseley

(from http://thinkexist.com/quotes/loren_eiseley)


"Acknowledge, move on."
-- McDonald's TV commercial, ca. late 1980s


"Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?"

Alien orc-like dude: "Send someone in to negotiate!"
(BLAM headshot)
Corbin Dallas: "Anyone ELSE want to negotiate??"
-- The Fifth Element
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These come to mind:

3. Jesus saves. Moses invests. (your # 6 reminded me of that old one)
2. Everyone has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. (...continuing the religious theme)
1. Save the Ales! (just my favorite, from one of my brewpub souvenir shirts)
Source(s):
gee, anyone can think of more than a few off the top of their head, I would think.

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-Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.

-You May Be One Person To The World But You May Be The World To One Person.

http://www.great-quotes.com/friendship_quotes.htm
Source(s):
http://www.great-quotes.com/friendship_quotes.htm

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1. Teenagers are moody or shall we say they are a dual essence?
2. This decade will be known as the Big Fat Zeroes.
3. I n WWII, the Not-Sees were defeated by the All-Eyes .

* Extra credit - What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum blown apart.
Source(s):
My stuff except the French joke (which is really my all time favorite).

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http://www.poemofquotes.com/funny-quotes/movie-quotes.php
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Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb.

Elizabeth Swann: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.
Jack Sparrow: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

"Valentine's Day's coming? Aw crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again!" -
Fry
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I have a collection of funny sayings/quotations, so I'll just pick a few of them, starting with my favorite.

1. "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." --Herm Albright

2. "Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons." --Anonymous

3. "There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror." --W. Somerset Maugham

4. "It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." --Voltaire

5. "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" --Jean Kerr

6. "Your odds of being killed by tap water in the next year are 20 times greater than your odds of winning a multi-state lottery jackpot." --Mike Orkin, professor of statistics at Cal State University (not a "saying", but I found this hilarious when I heard it)

7. "My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them." --Penn Jillette, in a Compuserve chat
Source(s):
Gathered all around the Internet here and there

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1. The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

2. "In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office." -- Ambrose Bierce

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ambrose_bierce.html
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my favorite
To err is human, to completely louse up takes a computer.
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I invented this one a couple of years ago & I throw it in unexpectedly when something surprises me. Similar to "Stone the crows!" or "Well, blow me down!" when something surprising happens, I say:

"Well feed me garlic and call me Stinky!"
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I'm currently fond of saying "Man, that's 18 wheels 'a [blank]" to emphasize anything.

Also, from Dinosaur Comics, "Damn, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!"
Source(s):
http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001380.html

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1. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. --The Princess Bride

2. Police: "Are you classified as human?" Dallas Corben: "Negative. I am a meat Popsicle"

3. I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think.

4. I always go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

5. "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking at 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is."--Ellen Dengeneris

6. A day without sunshine is night.

7. A watched clock never boils.

8. I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically. --Jack Sparrow
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I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here!
--Seen on bumper sticker

Your just mad because the voices don't talk to you!
--Bumper sticker in sister's office

I do what the voices tell me to...
--Another bumper sticker in sister's office.
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Masturbation is getting out of hand.
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