Interesting question, and obviously a gray area ... but here's what I think: your grandmother's happiness is what is paramount now. Making her as comfortable as possible is probably the best answer. In the same way you would probably not tell a little child if they were in immediate danger, so as not to add to their suffering with terror, so you should probably feel okay about telling your grandmother what she needs to hear to keep her calm.

Secondarily, I would posit that Alzheimer's has rendered your grandmother incapable of discerning reality anyway. Her definition of what is real has become child-like and fantastical. Telling 'the truth' has no meaning in that world other than its value as information which calms or upsets.

I know it feels off to 'tell a lie', but my belief is that you must give false information *with intent to deceive* for it to be a lie. That is not your purpose; where it possible to permanently give your grandmother correct information, clearly you would. But that is no longer possible, so a different yardstick applies.

Both my parents had Alzheimer's. My dad died last year at 89. We took her to the wake. She didn't recognize him so she was able sit and enjoy the family around her. At the end, we told her that it was her husband and she become quite upset and cried. After a few moments of tears, we redirected her thoughts and had her laughing. Afterwards, she'd asked where her husband is and we would tell her his is sleeping. She would be okay with that for the most part. One time we told her he died and she became upset again. We never told her again. After six months, she stopped asking.

My mom continually asks "Where do you live" I tell her and she repeats the question again. This could go on for the entire visit. Now I answer truthfully the first two time, the I start to kid around. I tell her I am from heaven and down here to earn my wings. I am from Mars, Venus etc etc. She would laugh at my crazy responses. I am blessed that my mom is happy go lucky. She likes to fool around so that is how our relationship has grown. She has no idea who I am but knows I am a familiar face.

My advice is to try humor to answer questions that may bring her sadness. You never know how she'll respond!!

You should just answer as honestly as possible while keeping it brief.

I used to work in a Nursing Home and had great success in dealing with Alzheimer's patients. Some of them even got so they could remember my name. That was amazing.

Fortunately, I started working in the field after the "Reality Therapy" model was abandoned. That was when you would force the truth on the patient. This was horrible. They had to go though the traumatic events of their life over and over (i.e. No your husband isn't coming. Remember he died ten years ago.)

I sought to put them at ease, to relieve their stress. I did this by agreeing with them (i.e. You must be excited to see him. Tell him I said hello, he is a lucky man.) I had one women tell me her mother was visiting later that day. I asked how old she was. She said, "My mother is 62 (she was in her 80's). I know that is strange, but sometimes that is just the way it is!". I answered saying, "That is cool. I never heard of that before." She was proud and pleased to be seeing her mother.

Some people have problems with the repetitive questions. I found that patience was a virtue here. I took it as a challenge. Every time they would ask the question, I would give a different answer, until, I found the one that would put them at ease. Once I found the correct answer, it would always work.

When I talked with them I would enter their reality. Not try to bring them into mine. This made the conversations much easier. One more example:
A women was coming from the dining room (she was 103 years old). She was all upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said, "They are feeding us slop!". I told her this must be her day. I am in the man in charge and I will check into it immediately. It will be straighted out, TODAY! It will never happen again. (They were well fed) She was so relieved. Even though she would forget the whole conversation in less then two minutes, I felt I had done my job.

For more information you may want to check out the Alzheimers Disease page here on Mahalo. You will find some general information there and some useful links.

If she's only able to spend a part of her time thinking and seeing the world clearly, why take that away from here with false stories? It's best to just tell her the truth.

I would tell her the truth, and ask her what do you think. it will make her use her own mind. you are a blessing to her and god will reward you for it. dont worry about whats wrong are right follow your own mind. This is new to us all this alzheimer's we just pray that it will not happen to US. god bless you