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March 15, 2009 01:03 PM
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Here are a couple of things that may help from a mom of teenagers.
1. If you talk with her about sex she will probably be "grossed out" and only
hear blah blah blah blah blah - so talk with her about stories you have read on the internet and ask her what she thinks about those situations. Don't make it about her ( at first ).
Here is the article about the young girl who committed suicide over sexting a picture to her boyfriend. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/
2. A recent study showed that kids were more like to open up and talk to their parents when they were playing video games together. The parents that participated in their kids activities where more likely to be able to have those conversations that mattered with their kids. In my personal experience, it usually takes about 30 minutes before my kids get to a point where the conversation gets 'personal'. So, play games with your daughter - let her pick the game - it might be laser tag - then you can talk in the car on the way home but you'll have that time.
3. When you do have those serious discussions don't make them vague or distant. Most kids think stds, pregnancy or any other side effects will happen to them - they are invincible - so talk very specifically what it means if she gets an std - what it will feel like, what doctor appointments she'll have to go to - what will happen if she doesn't go to the doctor. Factors that she may have to live with the rest of her life.
My husband talked with my boys and at first started by asking them what they wanted to do with their lives. Then he had them imagine how different their lives would be if they were taking care of a wife and a child at the age of 18. What their lives would be like if they were dealing with an std that never goes away. Then he talked with them about respecting women and having respect for themselves.
4. One other tool I heard a parent use was having their daughter get a clear picture in her mind just exactly how far she was willing to go with her boyfriend before she became uncomfortable. If she has a clear picture in her mind before the situation arises then it will be much easier for her to stay in control when the situation gets heated.
=========================
What ever you do - you have to have that conversation - the stakes are too high these days. Kids have to know about respect for themselves, their friends and their families. And if they don't believe you then just show her the picture of Jesse Logan again who was such a beautiful girl and lived too short of a life and how you would never ever ever ever want something like that to happen to your daughter.
========================
5. Have her make a promise to you that she would come to you before it ever got that far. ( Having a child make a promise to a parent can be a very strong deterent ).
Good Luck!
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http://www.twitter.com/wiredmoms
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If you have suspicion that your daughter is already having sex, its very likely she already is. I am 17 years old and I am amazed when I meet 14 year olds around my town that are drinking and having sex with people. Its an unfortunate thing that people are becoming younger and younger when they have these experiences, but its how things work, i guess. Try and stress the importance of not giving in to peer pressure and safety. Offer to not be mad at her if she's already having sex and that you hope she will always know to be open with you about anything.
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angieh
Dont' try to take the moral high ground. Hit it from all angles, becasue if she has sex, thats how she's going nto have to deal with it.
Explain the pros: It feels really good. It can make an ALREADY intimate relationship even better. At the right time, it makes kids.
And the cons: You can feel like you've been used. Pregnancy is NOT fun, especially when you're not ready for it. STD's suck, so protection is a must. Sex will not SOLVE relationship problems, and if someone hints that sex is a requisite for their affection, tell her that that's just wrong, and to break it off.
Above all, remind her that you'll love her, no matter what she chooses. Acknowledge that if she does decide to have sex, that's her choice, and you can't stop her (because, well, you can't; kids will find a way). But caution her that 15 is young, and no matter what her friends are doing, her body is HERS and not subject to the pressures of her female peers, or her male ones.
Source(s):
My kids are still young (7,3,2) and I think about what I'm going to tell them about this stuff every day.
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All of the above suggestions are excellent, but I would add that having a third-party friend or relative for your daughter to confide in is important. If you know an 18-20 year-old that you trust to advise her on issues she does not feel comfortable discussing with you, have that person begin a dialogue with her. This is not in lieu of your discussions or relationship with her. This person must also not share details with you unless it is crucial to your daughter's health or safety.
During your chats, don't worry if your daughter rolls her eyes and looks at you like you are an idiot. Eventually, she may share more about her personal life than you really want to hear. That has been my experience, anyway.
Best of luck.
Source(s):
Personal experience with my 20 and 22 year-olds.
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How do I talk to my 15 year old about sex? purity? and sexually transmitted diseases in a way that won't make her tune me out?
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| March 17, 2009 06:30 PM |
1. If you talk with her about sex she will probably be "grossed out" and only
hear blah blah blah blah blah - so talk with her about stories you have read on the internet and ask her what she thinks about those situations. Don't make it about her ( at first ).
Here is the article about the young girl who committed suicide over sexting a picture to her boyfriend. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/
2. A recent study showed that kids were more like to open up and talk to their parents when they were playing video games together. The parents that participated in their kids activities where more likely to be able to have those conversations that mattered with their kids. In my personal experience, it usually takes about 30 minutes before my kids get to a point where the conversation gets 'personal'. So, play games with your daughter - let her pick the game - it might be laser tag - then you can talk in the car on the way home but you'll have that time.
3. When you do have those serious discussions don't make them vague or distant. Most kids think stds, pregnancy or any other side effects will happen to them - they are invincible - so talk very specifically what it means if she gets an std - what it will feel like, what doctor appointments she'll have to go to - what will happen if she doesn't go to the doctor. Factors that she may have to live with the rest of her life.
My husband talked with my boys and at first started by asking them what they wanted to do with their lives. Then he had them imagine how different their lives would be if they were taking care of a wife and a child at the age of 18. What their lives would be like if they were dealing with an std that never goes away. Then he talked with them about respecting women and having respect for themselves.
4. One other tool I heard a parent use was having their daughter get a clear picture in her mind just exactly how far she was willing to go with her boyfriend before she became uncomfortable. If she has a clear picture in her mind before the situation arises then it will be much easier for her to stay in control when the situation gets heated.
=========================
What ever you do - you have to have that conversation - the stakes are too high these days. Kids have to know about respect for themselves, their friends and their families. And if they don't believe you then just show her the picture of Jesse Logan again who was such a beautiful girl and lived too short of a life and how you would never ever ever ever want something like that to happen to your daughter.
========================
5. Have her make a promise to you that she would come to you before it ever got that far. ( Having a child make a promise to a parent can be a very strong deterent ).
Good Luck!
Source(s):
http://www.twitter.com/wiredmoms
Permalink | Report
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Other Answers (3)
March 15, 2009 02:12 PM
Say you are going to the mall or something, and get her to come with. The car is a great place for most conversations to take place. She can't go anywhere. (That's how my dad talks with me, and its always worked out) If you have suspicion that your daughter is already having sex, its very likely she already is. I am 17 years old and I am amazed when I meet 14 year olds around my town that are drinking and having sex with people. Its an unfortunate thing that people are becoming younger and younger when they have these experiences, but its how things work, i guess. Try and stress the importance of not giving in to peer pressure and safety. Offer to not be mad at her if she's already having sex and that you hope she will always know to be open with you about anything.
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Reply
angieh
March 15, 2009 05:19 PM
I think your idea of talking in a car is great. Also, the bond of being able to talk about anything openly is awesome. Great to hear an answer from someone on the other end of the conversation. Well done @kenman345!
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March 15, 2009 02:20 PM
Be real. Dont' try to take the moral high ground. Hit it from all angles, becasue if she has sex, thats how she's going nto have to deal with it.
Explain the pros: It feels really good. It can make an ALREADY intimate relationship even better. At the right time, it makes kids.
And the cons: You can feel like you've been used. Pregnancy is NOT fun, especially when you're not ready for it. STD's suck, so protection is a must. Sex will not SOLVE relationship problems, and if someone hints that sex is a requisite for their affection, tell her that that's just wrong, and to break it off.
Above all, remind her that you'll love her, no matter what she chooses. Acknowledge that if she does decide to have sex, that's her choice, and you can't stop her (because, well, you can't; kids will find a way). But caution her that 15 is young, and no matter what her friends are doing, her body is HERS and not subject to the pressures of her female peers, or her male ones.
Source(s):
My kids are still young (7,3,2) and I think about what I'm going to tell them about this stuff every day.
Permalink | Report
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March 15, 2009 05:27 PM
These sound like very helpful suggestions. In particular, I agree with you that any advice should come from a place of concern and sympathy, rather than harsh moral judgment. Everyone needs to figure out these issues for themselves.
The only way I think you could have improved this answer would be to find some links or outside evidence to strengthen your case, but overall I think your response is useful and compelling.
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The only way I think you could have improved this answer would be to find some links or outside evidence to strengthen your case, but overall I think your response is useful and compelling.
March 15, 2009 06:40 PM
It really depends on the relationship you already have with her. Have you attempted this discussion before? At 15, it's better late than never, but 11 or 12 is, unfortunately, when the discussions should start these days. All of the above suggestions are excellent, but I would add that having a third-party friend or relative for your daughter to confide in is important. If you know an 18-20 year-old that you trust to advise her on issues she does not feel comfortable discussing with you, have that person begin a dialogue with her. This is not in lieu of your discussions or relationship with her. This person must also not share details with you unless it is crucial to your daughter's health or safety.
During your chats, don't worry if your daughter rolls her eyes and looks at you like you are an idiot. Eventually, she may share more about her personal life than you really want to hear. That has been my experience, anyway.
Best of luck.
Source(s):
Personal experience with my 20 and 22 year-olds.
Permalink | Report
Reply
March 15, 2009 07:20 PM
Very good suggestion, sambqt! My little sister is much younger than I am (when I was 30 she was 11) and I made sure she knew she could come to me with any questions she had (and she sure did!). She was able to ask me anything and she knew I wouldn't judge or reveal her secrets to mom.
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