Boy oh boy, do I know what this is like!

My husband's mother has hated me since day one for no reason (except that I took her baby away from her...in spirit...I guess...he's not even a Mama's Boy!). When I first dated my hubby I would ask him, "Do you notice how your mother never will answer a question directly to me. If I ask her something, she'll answer YOU!". He didn't believe it until he started paying attention--the woman wouldn't even address me!

Over the past 10 years I've known her, I've handled it well at times, and badly at times. Here's what I can recommend as the best approach:

1.) Always be polite and pleasant. Don't give her any ammunition to dislike her and you'll always have the high ground.

2.) Stay firm. If she's doing something that hurts, offends, or bothers you, speak up! Do so politely, but with firmness and confidence. Set down firm rules about your family and your home and don't be afraid to distance yourself if she can't abide by those reasonable rules.

3.) Don't hide behind your husband or put him in the middle. Yes, he should always be your advocate, and he should always be holding the door for you before his own mother, but do not put him in the middle. If you have an issue with the woman, you should be willing to try and resolve it, dragging your husband into the fray only as a last resort (although hopefully he'll be one step ahead of you and will defend you without your request). And if you're angry, don't use him as your excuse or mouthpiece. Make sure she knows that your own actions and feelings come from you.

4.) Limit your exposure to the holidays and family illness. Until she can treat you with respect, she doesn't get bonus fun visiting time. But no matter what, remember that on the holidays or when someone is ill, you should step up to the plate and be a bigger woman than she is. It'll mean a lot to your husband and the rest of his family.

5.) Ignore her. She can't hurt you without your permission. When she says something rude, almost think of it like a joke or game. I still giggle a little when my MIL says, "Oh, what a pretty picture this would be, if only Katie had worn her lipstick. That's too bad." I got under her skin, and that's worth a smile.

Good luck to you, and remember that she isn't the only voice of his family. I'm sure lots of other people in that family love you and are glad you're part of the clan. :)
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