*Not a doc*

You should try couples therapy; it is possible that you guys can't stand each other for deeper reasons, and you need a mediator to hash this stuff out. Of course, if you've NEVER been happy in the relationship, you'll probably be happiest getting a divorce.

For the next month, give every day a score. Give the day a plus if you can honestly say, "If every day for the rest of my life with my partner were like this, then it would be OK." Give the day a minus if you'd have to say, "I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with another day like today." Add up your pluses and minuses. If there are more minuses than pluses, then you should get a divorce.

You may wish to read and answer the diagnostic questions books like "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma or "Love Is a Verb" by Bill O'Hanlon and Pat Hudson, but I would talk about these pop books with a real psychologist to get their approval. Always put your professional's advice over the advice of popular books, forums, or shows.

Here are tips for approaching your spouse about a divorce:

* The more severe you appear during the "I want a divorce" conversation, the worse your husband will feel. The worse he feels, the more likely it is that he will respond with "wounded-animal" type behaviors. So try to be as non-dramatic as possible.
* Prepare for all sorts of guilt to be laid on you (bad wife, bad mother, bad person, cruel, selfish, etc.), and for verbal abuse. Be prepared to respond calmly. Know what you will say. let the person vent and don't take the bait. Be calm!
* Avoid triggering your spouse's hot buttons in response to his venting, or he may respond with aggressive behavior.
* Prepare for promises to change and make sure you emphasize the finality of the situation without offering any false hopes to buffer the fall like, "One day, we may be able to work it out, just not now."
* It may make sense to prepare your spouse over time. Discuss divorce as a growing likelihood. This will happen by default if you begin seeing marriage therapists over, say, a six month period, and find it isn't working.
* Use "I" messages, not "you" messages. "If feel that I need to start a new life." "I feel that this marriage is not working for me." Do not say, "You never did your share. You were a lousy spouse." etc.
* Consider breaking this message in a public place with some privacy -- an uncrowded beach, street or restaurant. The public setting will encourage your spouse to respond in a restrained and rational fashion.
* Break the news during the daytime. Morning is best.
* Break the news when you are both sober and drug-free, if possible.
* Be confident. Walk firmly. Make eye contact. Speak calmly.
* Be prepared to drain yourself of anger before you begin, and during the conversation if you feel it welling up. You can feel sorrow, yes. Anger, no.
* During the conversation, take deep breaths to relax.
* Assure your spouse that he is still the father to the children and that this is important to you. Bolster his or her esteem in any reasonable, honest way you can.
* Don't listen to abuse if you can avoid it. Say "I understand how you feel, but I do not think it helps either of us to have you go on this way" and leave or hang up.
* Speak right away about telling the children together, calmly. This is important for the children.
* Often it is best, after the "I want a divorce" conversation, for immediate physical separation. You should have a place to go selected, even if you hope to remain in the home. You can go there if your spouse refuses to leave. Click here for more on where to go.
* If you fear a physical response, you may have to just leave, and perhaps not let your spouse know where you are.
Source(s):
http://www.familylawsoftware.com/splitgen/sp/gn/tellingspouseyouwantadivorc...

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