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M$3 April 29, 2009 05:48 PM

How do you confront a friend who has betrayed you? Do you?

- a friend who is like family
- a friend who you can never trust again
- a friend who you no longer believe is your friend

(most important part of the question) Should you stay quiet and say nothing, holding onto the knowledge or confront the friend in the hopes that they might grow from their mistakes?
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April 29, 2009 06:37 PM
The how part is much too difficult to answer. There are so many variables about the situation on your friendship that play important parts in making the decision of how.

But as for do you - yes, you do. Staying quiet will get you nothing but more frustration and stress. The fact that you've already stated you can never trust them again and you no longer believe they are your friend means that you don't really have anything to loose.

If you don't confront them, you may have an artificial relationship on the surface, but it will never be a true friendship again. You'll always be reminded of the betrayal every time you see them, causing yourself more stress.

If you do, on the other hand, one of three general things can happen, in my opinion...

1) They react badly and the two of you have a blow out. While this sucks at the time, it also means that everything is out in the open and you don't have to fake being friends forever. The betrayal and ending of the friendship has already been done. At least you can both acknowledge what has happened and move on independently.

2) They react well and see your point. Sure, your friendship will change and will never be quite what it was. But again, everything is out in the open, and at least you can be amicable with one another if and when you see each other. And who knows, maybe things will get better over time.

3) There is a whole different situation surrounding the betrayal, and things aren't exactly as they seemed from each of your points of view. There are at least two sides to every story, and maybe once everything is on the table, the situation is not as bad as it initially seemed to be. You could both end up strengthening your friendship and fully understanding each other even more than before.

Best case scenario - you understand each other and become better friends.

Worst case scenario - you lost a friend and as much as it hurts, you'll move on with time.

But if you say nothing, you automatically get the worst case scenario, with the added stress and discomfort of having to fake it or have a huge grudge every time you see or think of them.

Keep in mind, one of the definitions of confront is 'to meet face to face' - it doesn't have to be negative, although that's the common connotation. And never dive in while you're still angry or very emotional about it. Give yourself some time to calm down and think about it logically. Maybe it won't even be an issue after that!

That's my two cents, for what they're worth...
Source(s):
Personal experience (both confronting and not)



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Voted as best: pazaq, tracebooks
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April 29, 2009 06:50 PM
"You'll always be reminded of the betrayal every time you see them, causing yourself more stress."

This is a great point and probably one of the best reasons to at least confront "face to face". Thank you :)

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April 29, 2009 06:24 PM
this hasn't happened to me in a while.

confronting her now won't do either of you any good.

do this:

Write her a letter. explain your grief over the loss of her friendship, your anger over her betrayal, whatever else is on your mind. at the end of the letter, wish her well.

Then keep it. seal it up in an envelope to yourself labeled: "To be opened by sarabond on or after May 29,2009. please destroy in the event of my death."

Then, a month from now (or later) open it up, read it. re-write it if you need to. destroy it if you want to. send it to her then if that still makes sense.

good luck

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April 29, 2009 06:32 PM
That is amazing advice. You made me smile and chuckle a little. Thank you :) Sometimes, the lesson learned here is really for ourselves. Thanks!

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April 29, 2009 06:31 PM
I think we would need more details of the situation to give an appropriate answer, but I will try.

I would give yourself a bit of time on this one. How bad is the thing that the person did? Often, we have exhaustive expectations of human beings. Did this person do something malicious or simply divulge a secret?

You need to answer for yourself whether your friend's betrayal really is something that will permanently dissolve your relationship.

I say be careful to judge, as people are not necessarily as strong as we think they are. Put yourself in their shoes and see if you've ever made a similar mistake.

Honestly, I don't know if "confronting them" is the best idea, unless you think it will save the friendship somehow. I would perhaps give them the cold shoulder and let them figure it out, if you are really convinced that this person can no longer be your friend. Why waste time with someone that betrays you?

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April 29, 2009 06:48 PM
"if you are really convinced that this person can no longer be your friend. Why waste time with someone that betrays you?"

well said. period.

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April 29, 2009 07:54 PM
Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong way to handle this type of situation. You need to do whatever you feel will be best for you and your conscience.

That being said, I've found myself in similar situations in the past, and I now wish I had handled them differently. More specifically, I wish I hadn't kept my mouth shut as often as I did. I think you do need to make this person aware of the knowledge you possess, not necessarily for hope that they will grow from their mistakes (because in reality, it probably won't cause that), but for your own peace of mind.

Write a letter, email, make a phone call, arrange a lunch date...whatever will make you the most comfortable, and then just get that information out there. You will feel much better afterwards, and just maybe a lesson will be learned.

Remember, to keep yourself calm and non-confrontational and just get the facts out on the table. And for your own sanity, try your best to forgive your friend, even if you decide to not have them be a part of your life any longer.

Good luck with everything!

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April 29, 2009 07:58 PM
"best to forgive your friend, even if you decide to not have them be a part of your life any longer."

forgive, yes. but not forget. yes. Thank you.

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April 29, 2009 08:38 PM
I would say, to first calmly think through a few things: do you want to repair the relationship? Are you going to continue to be angry with this person if you do nothing? Are you willing to forgive this person if they ask for it?

As much as is possible for you, forgiving him/her would be the best for you. Anger hurts you much more than him/her. As for forgetting . . . well, if someone punches my daughter, I may forgive him, but I won't be letting him babysit her. Someone drives drunk in my car won't be borrowing my car again. Trust has to be earned, and you can be friends with a person and not resentful without trusting him with something he has proven himself untrustworthy with.

Then, when your attitude and heart are in the right place, I think you owe it to this person to confront him/her. Gently, understanding that all of us seriously blow it sometimes, explain the situation and how you feel, and how his/her actions affected you. There is very little to lose. If he/she is furious, well, that really doesn't change things. If he/she apologizes, that's good. Maybe he/she will grow. But when I mess up, I hope people will confront me, and I should do for others what I would want done for me.

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April 29, 2009 09:25 PM
this is great advice. ironically the betrayal against said parties is found in your statement here:

"But when I mess up, I hope people will confront me, and I should do for others what I would want done for me."

wow. i will pass this along as ... it would be hypocritical of me to do the same and not confront them as they should have confronted me (or said party)

i have much to think about regarding this matter and how i should shape my answer to my friend who is going through this right now. Thank you.

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April 29, 2009 11:06 PM
From my own experience I have confronted a very close friend of mine whom I've been close with for many years and been through a lot with. Lets just say she did something beyond our friendship line and she knew it. I didnt want to say anything but the more I kept it in, the worst she made it to be. I pushed ALL odds on the side and told myself "It dont matter if she was super close with me, I am not going to let anyone step all over me, WITHOUT my consent." You just have to remember that for yourself. I know that people say you should be considerate and think of others but if you think about it, she didnt consider your feelings to begin with. You must take care and respect yourself before others.

I confronted her without any motives of hitting her. I didnt do any of those corny little things like a small conversation to start it with. I told her straight up and demanded what her problems were. Once she answerd me with lies on top of lies and another. I knew it wasnt going to make her talk so I ignored her lies and went on telling her what I found out & how i felt about it.

Later in the day she finally realized and eventually told me all that she meant.

You should NEVER stay quiet because it will worsen the situation actually.

----------------
Another thing if you had a friend who does things that aggrevates others the way she's behaving, you should never hesitate to tell her that she is making a bad name for herself and if she don't want to learn from what you are telling her (either youve been there before or dealt with it), then she obviously don't cherish your support enough to even listen. But at least you know yourself that you cared enough to tell her honestly not caring that she MIGHT hate you for it.

I hope this helped you.

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April 30, 2009 02:34 PM
If you can no longer trust them as a friend then you should cut the ties. However, time heal all wounds.

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May 01, 2009 03:35 AM
Don't be too hasty.

just think about it:
1 What did the friend do? Was he or she forced/blackmailed? Or was he/she doing it for fun? Or by not knowing the harm it could do?
2 Look at it from his/her side. What compelled them to do it?
3 Does your friend want to make up? You should always ask yourself this question. If the friend is being rude, then he/she is not a true friend. You should stop talking to this person. Don't show anyone that you are hurt, which will encourage them.
4 Tell yourself that this person was never meant to be a friend and that it is good you broke up with the person early.
5 If the friend wants to make up, think about it. Do they truly mean it, or not? Give it some time. If they persist, it is likely they will not do it again.

While you can take a friend who really continues backstabbing, you may also be destroying a friendship forever...all due to a small reason.
In the end, think about it: What matters more, a long friendship, or one small betrayal?

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May 05, 2009 10:55 PM
Good perspective on this.

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May 01, 2009 04:11 AM
Well that is always hard and the best advice is to confront the friend calmly and in a factual manner after you have thought through what you have to say. Family can betray each other and still be family, friends can't do this so if you feel that whatever your friend has done is worth the friendship then yes talk it out and see what comes next. Remember not to get upset while you are having this conversation it will only make things worse. The fact is the more calm that you are the better your case will be heard.Decide how to handle what to do about friendship when the air has cleared. Definately talk to them.

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May 01, 2009 11:57 AM
How did the person betray you? A true friend would never betray. They lose their credibility. What sort of a friend are they? If it were me, I would ask the person to meet somewhere neutral so you could talk about it. Tell them how you feel about the situation and then ask them why, how, when, who....
You really need to first understand what type of reaction you think you mught receive if and when you confront this person. If it is aggressive then I would tread lightly or ditch the person. If they are willing to talk then it will be easy to be honest and open for you and them to discuss the situation. Do not put yourself at risk of humiliation or aggression if you believe thaey are prone to that type of behaviour.
Source(s):
Age and experience.


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