There are plenty of funny jokes for the newly married. Take your pick here:

See below examples:

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . -God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Source(s):
http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/jokes/jokes_wedding.aspx
http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/jokes/jokes_morewedding.aspx
http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/jokes/jokes_lotsmorewedding.aspx

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You may have heard this, but this is the funniest joke I have seen online:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

It kills me :P haha
Source(s):
http://jokediary.com/2006/05/make-sure-hes-dead.html

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Hmm... this isn't really a joke but I think it's funny if this will be your opening line for the wedding speech.

'Okay, are you both sure of you just have done?'

or tell the bride

'Wow! Are you really sure about this?'

If you'll deliver this with humor, it's gonna be a laugh trip! XD
Source(s):
Something I'm sure my friends will joke around if I'm the one who just got married. XD

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We are married 8 years, but at the moment my husband (english) lives and works in Germany (due to the crisis) and I (german) live in Spain. Today I received an email from Facebook to ask if I was "really" married to Bill Cobbett. I had to confirm that, then updated my Facebook profile too and now my husband gets the same email asking if he could confirm that he´s married to Antje Cobbett. If "that" happens nowadays, you KNOW you are married and it´s fun too!
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Politically charged?

Tell them you have recently graduated from American Politics and the School for New Republicans and while there...

"I have learned the secret to being a good Republican, it is in admitting that socialism has never worked anywhere and Europe does not exist"

I know I know
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Hi,

since you dont know them very well I would build the joke into your speach - almost like a hidden joke sort of thing - better be on the safe side then make a joke and they dont really get it or dont pick up on sarcasm !

How bout :

Marriage is something a lot of Guys make jokes about - like " Hey you are getting married enjoy your last minutes of freedom " ( or well use a better joke then that lol ) but I really think about it its more like a finish line after a long race of chasing Girls.
I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?"

and take it from there ...
Source(s):
Wedding Crashers

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I tried (really hard) to find some jokes that give a positive spin on the marriage, but found none. not really surprising though!

Anyway, here are some light hearted ones, 2 or 3 liners just suitable for a opening speech at the wedding (maybe).

"
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Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.--Sam Kinison
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
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A friend of mine recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous"

For this one, I found some suitable images on flikr, lol.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardcroy/95640095/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hemali/3791714954/

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I dont expect you to use this one at the wedding, but I found the punch line to be really funny and wanted to share:

-quote-

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

-end quote-
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Check this out:

"Marriage is made in heaven, so does Thunder and Lightning".

"If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep".

"Marriage is grand and Divorce - is at least a100 grand".

"Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife".

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.....".

"Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one".

"When a man opens the door of his car to his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is".

"Marriage and love is purely matter of Chemistry. That is why wife treats her husband like toxic waste".

Hope this helps. But not all of it, i think is for public consumption, it's funny though.
Source(s):
http://blog.themousepotato.com/2008/12/09/funny-10-commandments-of-marriage...

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I think you could successfully work in a funny quote or joke to open with and then follow it up with something nice.

Here is a top ten list of wedding quotes, some funny and some serious:

http://www.famous-quotes-and-quotations.com/wedding-quotes.html

Here is another page with a few funny wedding quotes, such as:

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." --Rita Rudner

http://www.gholt.com/content/view/54/34/

Here are some ideas from Quotations with an Attitude by Roy L. Stewart, New York: Sterling Publishing Company, 1995:

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." --Abraham Lincoln (p.17)

"Spring is when a boy mantis sees a girl mantis and finally realizes what he's been praying for." --Robert Orben (p.18)

"Only little boys and old men sneer at love." --Louis Auchincloss (p.18)

"Love is an ocean of emotions surrounded by expenses." --Lord Dewar (p.18)

"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." --Albert Einstein (p.20)

"Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps." --Max Siegel (p.56)

"If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers." --Anonymous (p.58)

"A bachelor is a man who is right sometimes." --Laurence J. Peter (p.61)

And here are some more from 20,000 Quips & Quotes by Evan Esar, New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 1968:

"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves." --Ed Howe (p.488)

"Half the fun of being in love is the worry of it." --Anonymous (p.490)

"There's only one way to make a happy marriage, and most husbands and wives would like to know what it is." --Anonymous (p.504)

Then you can always soften your humor afterward with something interesting and serious, like this:

"we wear wedding rings on our left hands thanks to Greek physicians of 3 B.C. They taught that the ring finger of the left hand had a 'vein of love' that flowed to the heart." (The Ladies' Room Reader by Alicia Alvrez, New York: MJF Books, 2000, p.163)

or find a sweet wedding quote here:

http://www.useful-information.info/quotations/wedding_quotes.html

Other than that, perhaps looking through some funny books by Erma Bombeck will help. She wrote A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair describing her own wedding and long, happy marriage.
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These are some quotes I found to be funny and witty.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

“If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you. - Richard Needham

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. ~Author Unknown

Maybe you can also deliberately mistaken the groom's name with his brother's and turn it into a joke. You can take liberties of pushing it far if you can wind it up great with some touching lines. All the best!
Source(s):
http://www.quotegarden.com/marriage.html
http://peterfox.com.au/pre_marriage_quotes.htm

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Little Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
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Does anyone know how much a polar bear weighs?
- Enough to break the ice.
Source(s):
Movie: The Goods (2009)

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