How soon before getting engaged should I ask the father for her daughter's hand in marriage?
Anyone have any idea for the proper when/where/how for asking the father for her daughter's hand in marriage?
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M$17 Answers
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M$
Another aspect to think about is the element of surprise. If you are trying to plan a proposal that you're bride isn't expecting, asking the father too early could spill the beans. Families talk! For this scenario, I'd try to ask for permission with no more than a week of lead time.
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M$
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M$According to Emily Post, the engagement happens very quickly after a man talks to the girl's father.
In this day and age, it is more a matter of convenience than anything else. I would plan your proposal and plan to meet with her parents. If it works out that you can ask her father before hand, great. However, if you have a special weekend planned to propose and give her the ring, but can't meet her parents before that date, I would not hesitate to do it reverse order. Just ask her to hold off telling them until you can talk to her father.
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Yeah I kinda agree but if he had time to buy the ring he had time to tell the dad. While its definitely not necessary i think it creates a bond between the future son and father-n-law. While its an in the moment time I agree with if he has time to buy the ring he has time to tell daddy and tell him nicely not really ask for acceptance but tell him your gonna do it.
I agree with "imsoronry"...it you should ask before. It's all about creating that trust and that bond with the future in-laws...BUT it also depends on you, her, the family, and circumstances! :D
@imsorony It depends on where they live. If they live far enough away, he may not have had the opportunity to see the father recently. I think this is something you want to do in person. Some people like to propose on special occasions and you'd want the ring for that. If that occurs before being able to connect with the father, then I say go for it.
I can imagine a few situations that would make things very awkward today... what if he says no? Will you have to go against his wishes? Or worse, what if she says no? Not only have you put added pressure on her by involving her family before finalizing your relationship plans, but you've humilated yourself in front of her family too.
I agree that getting the father's "blessing" is a wonderful, gentlemanly thing to do. But unless you know she's going to say "yes," having talked about it together at some point beforehand, I wouldn't approach her father with your plans first. And I wouldn't ask for "permission" at all. He's not the one who gives the "permission" any more. She is.
Whatever you decide to do, and it really does depend on your relationship, calling or visiting her father/mother/family just to "chat" about your future with their daughter is a very respectful thing to do.
I hope it all goes wonderfully and that you're very happy together :)
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M$
I asked my fiance's father for his "blessing," and in effect his permission, the day she said yes to my proposal. The point here being that we were planning on getting married no matter what her family thought. This was a gesture of humility and respect I paid her father to let him know I valued his approval, and so sought it.
Asking her father before hand? That's a bit too Dickensian-top-hot-wearing-man-about-town-with-cigar for 2009, if you ask me. It's up to her in the end, not her father.
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M$
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M$Anyway, I'd say probably at least a week before, at most maybe a month? I don't really know for sure, my sister's fiancee asked about a week before he asked her. I honeslty don't think it really matters how soon before, just as long as you ask! They'll appreciate the gesture!
As far as how/what to say, just be honest. Tell him/the family how much you love their daughter and want to spend the rest of your life with her...They'll probably want to know how you plan to take care of her and raise a family, if you guys plan on having children and what not, but the most important aspect is to be honest with them.
Hope this helps!!
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M$
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M$
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M$2. Court
3. Ask for Marriage
4. Ask for the parent blessing ( a few minutes or hours, after proposal has been accepted)
5. Announce the engagement
6. Plan for the wedding
7. Negotiate who will buy what
8. Have a fun reception (receptions are for the parents and the community)
9. Get Married
10. Honeymoon
11. Have children
12. Work hard
13. Have fun raising your children
14. Enjoy the cycle again and enjoy the grandchildren
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M$
Chances are she's not planning on turning her back on her family, so you'll be doing well to start off on the right foot with him this way.
If you're going to have a big or moderate wedding, you'll need to plan way ahead in order to make sure you can book the space and all the people/services involved. It's tough to plan things in some areas in under nine months, so asking him as far in advance as possible is also a good idea.
If you're lucky, her family will sort of adopt you and really consider you as special as their own kids. As a result you'll minimize potential relationship problems. You'll maximize that happening by asking well ahead of time.
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M$
or perhaps you live in a 3rd world country?
Don't ask the father first before you ask the gal if you live in the US or similar countries.
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I didn't, because I don't believe it's still relevant in today's world. Nobody says "Tell the father you're marrying his daughter", like it is a nice thing to do, they still say "ask permission." As if he has the right to give it. While you're at it, you might as well ask how much the dowry will be, because that's just as old a custom, right? If it's offensive to say "How much money will you give me to marry your daughter", why isn't it offensive to say "May I please take your daughter as if she is your property to give?" I was not a teenager with a part time job who didn't know what he wanted to do with his life looking for advice from a wisened old man who'd been there and done that, I was pushing 30, owned a place to live, had a very lucrative career...
...is what I was thinking, because I'm an idiot. It's not about you, and what you believe. It's about a dad's relationship to his daughter, something he's had for 20-30 years before you came along. It is about the event, not the person. To not do it is to take away that event that, depending on the person, they might have been waiting for all their lives. And once you do that, you can't fix it.
I can come up with a bunch of reasons why I didn't. Mostly it comes down to being uncomfortable around the man, of having him say anything other than "Great idea, go for it." I didn't want his opinion, as I said above - even though it wouldn't have killed me to let him give it. Or that, once I had the ring, I was terrified of losing it or otherwise having something go wrong with my plans, and was just in too much of a hurry to get the big question over with.
All stupid, selfish reasons. Some day I hope to fix it by getting up the courage, now even that much HARDER, to look him in the eye and say "I screwed this up the first time, and for that I'm sorry, and I want to try to make it right."
So trust me, do it however you can, whether it's a visit to his office or meeting for lunch or, for the die-hards, if you have to get on a plane to see him to do it. There's no etiquette that's strong enough to give you a reason not to do it and say "Oh, well, he couldn't see me for lunch on Tuesday." Do it, and don't regret it.
Then come back and tell me what you said, I need some ideas.
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M$
Shakespearegeek, I'm touched by your story.
Go and speak with your father-in-law. Wait no longer.
If you don't know how to start, one very good way would be something like: "You know there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for a long time. It might sound a bit silly to you, but it's been bothering me for years..."
You have no idea what he might say.
Maybe he'll say: "You know, that bothered me too. But I never guessed you felt so bad about it. But it really cheers me up to hear you say this."
Or maybe he'll say: "Oh, really? It didn't bother me one bit. Really, it's fine, don't mention."
Or maybe something completely different you'd never guess in a million years. Like maybe he'll tell you about he screwed thing up with his father-in-law, or how he thinks you've been great for his daughter.
Whatever he says, it'll be a weight off your mind, and it will enrich your relationship with him. And it will be a hell of a lot more interesting and memorable than the average family conversation.
I have not been in this exact same scenario, but I have had the experience several times of finally talking over something that I felt bad about with someone a long time after it seemed like anyone would care. And it always was a wonderful and liberating thing to do.
"Does she want to marry you?"
and
"What do I have to do with that?"
The real question is this: does your future bride's family approve of you?
And you should really know that answer to be "yes" before you even ask her to marry you.
How do you find that out? Well, the family will have already formed an opinion about you based on how functional / happy / healthy your future wife seems when you are with her. But, to get to know the real you, you are going to have to spend more time around the family. Hang out with them. Go to movies, make them dinner, spend time washing dishes and being a responsible adult around them. Show that you are a decent human being who's not going to hurt their sweet daughter or sister. Then, and only then, will you know.
And if you know that, then the answer to the question, "May I take your daughter's hand in marriage?" is merely a formality. An outdated, chauvinistic formality, but one that some people find sweet and romantic, old fashioned and chivalrous.
My daughters are not my chattel. They are people. They get to say who they marry; and at the same time, I get to say whether I like who they choose. Life can be so much less complicated if your in-laws like you, so I would very much encourage you to only marry a woman in that instance.
Good luck!
Personal experience.
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M$
2-3 days only
I think it's incredibly respectful to ask a father for your daughter's hand (and you know he's going to say yes, so you have nothing to lose).
That said, anything more than 3 days and you're guaranteed that EVERYBODY (including your bride) will find out and it'll spoil the surprise.
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M$
