How do you motivate and guide a young adult who thinks he/she knows it all, yet is headed in the wrong direction?
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M$7 Answers
Been there, done that
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M$
It sounds like you should try a different approach in presenting your ideas; I suggest taking an interest in THEIR ideas, complimenting the positive aspects first, then lightly brushing on the risks. If they are receptive and you are communicating that you care well enough, they just may open up to you.
However, the chances of that can, from time to time, also be slim. Unfortunately, sometimes children have to get burned to learn fire is hot or that you really can't buy property on the moon. It happens, and is part of life, so the best thing to do in that situation would be to stay supportive and keep the "I-told-you-so"s to the bare necessary minimum.
I believe these cases cover everything. In guiding others, all you can really do is suggest, push, and pull. It's up to them whether or not to listen, fight, or cooperate.
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M$
Wow, that is just Awful. What I said may seem brutal to many. Business is brutal and really the weak or unprepared get culled. It sounds like you gave the right advice and put in the effort to help them. When I was that age I looked for mentors and could not find one. The result was I made and still make a lot of mistakes. Younger people don't seem to realize the established dinosaurs of business are there for a reason. They have stood the test of time and gone through the trials, improvised, adapted and overcome the obstacles that would have seen them done away with. There was an old John Wayne movie; I will paraphrase because I have not seen this film in a long time. In this movie Mr Wayne and an old wrinkled sheriff were sitting at a table and some young fast gun fighter came in and started to size up the sheriff. Then Wayne said something that has stuck in my mind to this day. " Don't be fooled kid. Each one of those wrinkles on his face is a battle map."
Just because you are older and slower does not mean you are obsolete. Time will tell what is going to happen with this person. I have a sad sneaking suspicion I was not far from wrong.
Well first we are no talking about a kid. This person is twenty and is suppose to be able to make their own decisions. I personally think 19-29 is worse then 13-17. Assuming this person is out on their own and making their own way in life. (not likely) You should let them run with their idea and suggest they have a back up plan. then when their idea crashes in flames when they are 25-26 they will have learned a lesson for the future and not be totally at a loss and have to move back in with their parents. there is the slim to none chance that what they are doing will work. I would bet on the power ball daily too if I were you it's about the same odds. Honestly it sounds like you don't support their idea. So aggressively press them to get a career and or a degree. They are going to do that now or when they are 27-28 and if you wait till they are older they will just be more bitter at the world and end up TSA police taking peoples bottled water, hair gel and confiscating breast milk... But they are 20 and entitled so what the heck let them fall on their faces and be there later for them when they start to whine about it and how they never got a fair chance, how the world is hard and unfair. Kids will never learn. Train them young that is your only hope.
merlin: Thanks for your comment. I should clarify that I am in no way against innovative thinking and fresh perspectives. That said, I have definitely taken an interest in the individual's ideas, and in no way attempted to impede his creativity and ambition.
In fact, I went as far as to meet with this person's "business partners" to find out more about their ideas and aspirations, and confirmed that they lack direction and guidance, which is exactly what I offered (not forced) to give them. None of the business partners had any idea how to organize their collective thoughts and write out a business plan, or even a simplified summary of what they wanted to accomplish as a group. None of them could even write a well-formed paragraph without spelling or grammatical errors (I am not exaggerating). It seemed to me that the only thing they could agree on was a pipe dream of becoming rich and famous.
So, I gave them all some advice, and I let the individual and his business partners run with their ideas. But soonafter, I found that they became victims to scams and pyramid schemes in their quests for wealth generation. It was endless... beginning with Vector Marketing, Amway, a self-professed millionaire who sought to "help" college students make fortunes, etc.
Needless to say, all these events made me concerned; expecially since the individual who is near and dear to me is now $5,000 in the hole...
Now, even though these events happened, I always refrained from saying, "I told you so..." What I did encourage this individual to do was to step back and reflect on what he really wanted to accomplish in life. Then I offered my time to mentor and coach him, which he so eagerly agreed to take me up on.
So, 6 months down the road, nothing has changed. I tried to coach this person by checking up on him once a week to see that he was on track with his goals for school and career path. Yet, he has made no attempt to turn over a new leaf and start anew.
So okay... maybe I expect too much, but I know that this individual's parents are spending way too much money on his education and his expenses (car insurance, gas, traffic violations, etc.). It would be different if this person supported himself, but he doesn't.
thelastscion: Thank you for your comment as well. I guess that is what I will have to do... let him risk losing everything and falling behind his peers. Hopefully he will learn, but only time will tell.
And on a side note, I mentor interns at my company who are in the same age range as this individual and they listen with enthusiasm. A few who I have mentored years ago, still keep in touch with me and still thank me for all the insight I've offered which led them to advance in their careers.
But... this other person who is close to me, and has direct access to me just doesn't want to make an effort.
Second, experience is the best teacher. Let him/her try. They might fail, but they might succeed. History is filled with people who went against the advice of people "in the know" and did things their own way successfully (I know, I wrote a book on the subject).
Third, be supportive. It is easy to criticize but support is more likely to be listened too. You don't have to support their choices, but you don't have to tell them they are screwing up either. If you don't agree, don't say anything. Offer you advice, but don't get upset when it is not listened to. Eventually, the person may see you were right on their own. If not, you tried. You cannot control another person's actions. They have to be able to do their own thing.
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M$
darcy: Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Well, I think I should have clarified a bit more... please see my response to merlin up top.
On a side note, It's not unlikely that my colleague is participating in illegal activity... not self-initiated of course, but more along the lines of -- he buys "extremely cheap" parts for his car, because he is in debt and can't afford to go to a reputable mechanic. He also buys into many a get-rich-quick scheme expecting large returns with little effort.
Overall, this person wants to be like me... but is not willing to put the effort into establishing his credentials and career path. Now, since my path is specialized in the financial services arena, there are certain protocols and rites of passage one must pass in order to climb to the top; especially if you're a minority in a good 'ol boys environment.
I've made several attempts to support his ideas and even suggested that maybe the path I took is not for him. But, he insists that he wants to be in a finance/consulting/analysis role after graduation. If he didn't express this interest, then I wouldn't be so frustrated with the fact that he isn't even making an effort to give my advice a chance.
You bring up good points though... I realize that there are people who went against the norm and ultimately succeeded way beyond their limitations. But really now, what are the statistics for these types of outcomes? How many Bill Gates', Steve Jobs', Michael Dell's, and Ralph Lauren's, can there be out there? And moreover, these guys had a passion and a well thought out idea. The person I am speaking about just has a pipe dream and can barely organize his own thoughts.
I think that the young adults of today are inspired by all of these people who went against the norm and made their fortune; but I think what is missing is the common sense to have a back-up plan and ability to distinguish a far fetched idea from one that is attainable.
I know that you suggested that I should keep quiet if I don't agree with something; but what should happen if this person decides to drop out of school without a plan, a $15/hr job as a stockboy, and a pipe dream without direction? If you have a suggestion for that, I'd be interested to hear.
Also, keep in mind that this person is near and dear to me... it's not like he's a random person who I don't really care about. Thanks for the input...
You can motivate someone else. It is a personal choice. They are not mules that you can dangle a carrot stick in front of them and make them go.
This may sound harsh, but the world needs ditch diggers. We can't all be the next Donald Trump. If no one became stock boys, how would we get our stuff at the store? You may not like it, but it his choice to make.
Having grown up privileged but then had it all taken away leaving me on my own (long story) I can honestly say that nothing motivates you like hunger. I went from never having to worry about money to having only $10 to last the next pay day.
Some people need to hit rock bottom before they are willing to work their way up. Let him chase a few rainbows. Once he tires out, he'll be easier to talk to. Yes, it sounds mean and rough, but haven't you learned that life is tough? The toughest lessons are always the painful ones.
If you love, love him enough to give him space to do things on his own. It is not easy, but that's what you have to do. In reality, this is not about him it is about you. You want him to live his life your way. Even if you know what's best, it doesn't work that way.
And sometimes you might be surprised. Probably not, but sometimes.
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M$Ask yourself honestly whether the path that you're trying to steer him from is truly the wrong path, or if it is just the wrong path for you. If it's the latter, stop and let him make his own career choices, as any twenty-year-old should be permitted to do.
Own experience
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M$
Your replies to a few others (which clarified a few things) weren't up yet when I first posted but having read them now, I'm seeing this a bit differently. The fact that you looked at his plans, met his partners and determined that they don't have what it takes would suggest that your concern is well placed. From the initial post it sounded like you could have just been unconvinced of the idea of starting his own business.
If it's truly an aversion to hard work that he suffers from, then I suppose you'll just have to wait until something happens in his own life that convinces him it's worthwhile. You mentioned that he's in college so it's quite possible that once he graduates, if he can get into a decent company, he'll be given direction and his work will be cut out for him. If he graduates to the option of either an interview at your firm or the continued pursuit of idea he can't find funding for, reality will probably just set him straight and he’ll turn out fine.
Again, sorry for coming across that way initially. Given your last few posts I can tell you’re not just trying to force him down a particular path for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I have difficulty sorting out whether young people today really are as lazy and entitled as they seem, or if getting older just deludes us into thinking we were much smarter/more committed at that age. I’m sure it’s a combo of both and which ones really are incurable slackers won’t actually become apparent until they’re grown.
Thanks for your input. Just to clarify, I would never try to crush anyone's dream, but I would offer up advice to help them get closer to that dream. One of the issues at hand is that my colleague thinks he wants to be in a position like mine, but does not want to use my advice as a guide to get him there easier; nor does he want to go through the hard work I went through.
Basically, he fantasizes about making it big... but without the blood, sweat, and tears. Now, I know that the gentleman who started up this site probably came upon a great idea, surveyed his competitors, analyzed potential traffic, researched his target niche, and poured countless hours into making the idea into a reality. Just because he went against the norm, doesn't mean he didn't work hard to succeed.
That was the point I was trying to make about my colleague. He has a pipe dream... doesn't have a plan, doesn't want to listen to my advice, expects large return with little effort, and thinks he knows it all. I just don't want him to end up with nothing but an idea... I at least want him to get a degree or establish a back-up plan.
It's hard to watch someone you care about make seemingly bad decisions, but besides giving them your personal advice/telling them about your own experiences, there's not a whole lot you can/should do!
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M$
and who knows maybe they don't.
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morris: I totally hear you! I guess what frustrates me is that my colleague wants to be where I am now; but doesn't want to go through the things I went through. The ironic thing is that by following my advice, he would have a smooth, paved path laid out for him; I had a steep, rocky road.
If he wanted to do something else, I could just see myself saying, "Okay go do it and learn from your mistakes...", if I didn't have a clue about anything he was pursuing. However, if he truly wants to specialize in my field, I have knowledge (through years of experience) of every potential mistake and challenge along the way. It only feels right to share that with him.
But, I guess I should stop wasting my time and his...