How do you judge a possible future mate for your life? Does anyone ever look beyond the exterior?
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M$18 Answers
Here are some major criteria I'd advise most women (or men) to examine before considering sharing his/her life with someone:
1. HOW HE TREATS HIS FAMILY - Very important. Does he take care of his sick grandma? Does he pick up his sister when her car breaks down on the side of the road? On holidays, does he give his Aunt Sally a big hug even though her perfume stinks? How he is with his entire family - not just one or two favorite members - tells you a lot about his character and sense of family.
If he cares for his family and treats them well (assuming they deserve it), then he will be a good family man and spouse.
2. MONEY - Sweet of me to write, eh? But money is important to a marriage. Is your man honest about money? Or is he secretive? Does he have good credit? Does he have a lot of debt?
I'm not saying don't marry a poor man. I'm saying don't marry a man who can't handle money and finances, otherwise you'll end up fighting about money all the time, and he'll drag your credit down with his own. You may end up supporting him for years and years.
3. THOUGHTFULNESS - This is a loaded word, because thoughtfulness takes on a lot of meanings. Does he think of you? Does he think of you for the last doughnut in the box? That you might need shampoo while he's at the store? That you had a bad day and could use a big hug? Does he think of you REGULARLY when you don't remind him to?
In his head, he has to see you both as a team. If it's going to last, he needs to be able to think about your comfort, happiness, and safety - even when it comes to mundane silly things! (and you should be doing the same)
4. CHARITY - Does he ever give money to a charitable cause (church doesn't count - it can't benefit his own life)? Does he donate his time (free of reward or obligation)? Can he feel empathy and kindness toward strangers?
I think the reasoning behind these questions is pretty obvious. Your spouse needs to have a good and selfless heart.
5. HONESTY - Does he lie?
If he does, forget it. You'll never sleep a sound night. You'll always wonder. And it'll be over. Never trust a man who lies.
6. A GOOD MATCH - This last point is where you make sure he's tailored to fit YOU. Do you have mutual interests and hobbies? Mutual goals? Mutual expectations for lifestyle and family? Does he make you laugh? Does he have similar priorities? Does he like the same pets? Does he like all of your idiosyncrasies (or at least tolerate them easily)?
If your man fits all of these things, then odds are you've landed yourself a man who would be a nice fit as a life partner. He's got all the building blocks. It's up to him to help you build that log cabin of life together.
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M$
When I was a teenager, I made this list entitled "the man that I want" that consisted of a list of qualities that I wanted in my ideal partner. It consisted of a lot of the typical things: honest, good sense of humor, goal-oriented and some things I personally care about: southern, wants a big family, loves football, smart but not arrogantly so, musically inclined. I've hung onto that list for almost ten years now. Over the years, I added some things and crossed out others, but I refused to settle for anything less than exactly what I wanted. I eventually found him, and it's weird how closely that list matches my husband now (other than his inability to cook, but it's a fair trade off). He was shocked by it when I showed him when we were dating.
However, it's important to note that I never went "looking" for him. I never went out with an intention to meet guys. I identified exactly what I wanted and then just lived my life and had fun. Things have a tendency to happen when you least expect them.
To answer your other question: Yes, people do look beyond the exterior when given the chance to. When I first met my now-husband, I wasn't attracted to him. Not that he is unattractive by any means, I just didn't think he was my "type" and never even considered anything romantic with him. He felt differently and refused to take no for an answer. Not in a creepy, stalker kinda way, but in a "just give me a chance" way. I finally did agree to give him one chance, and I quickly realized that he was something special.
I wish you luck!
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M$
For me (looking at my relationship)
*HE is a friend to me, we have fun together and we are serious together.
*HE and I enjoy spending time together, plus we have spent enough time together that we are sure that we would be able to live with each other. (Knowing that you can live with someone is very important, many marriages crash because they do not live well together)
*HE and I are compatible and different, that helps so we are not bored all the time
*Never Ever go into a relationship expecting someone to change. Unless you are young, people do change as in grow up. but not always lol
*How he treats other people. Family, friends, stuff like that is very important to notice. It does not always mean that he will treat you bad if he treats them bad, but it is important to notice and to take in to consideration.
*My boyfriend and I have a list of things we want to do in our future. Just short term ones, we did have a long term one but that is put away for later.
*HIS personality is very important to me. We get along. If we never got along I dont think I would want to pick him as my Life Mate.
*We try to avoid fights by asking not assuming. This is a very important part in our relationship. We have to be honest with each other. NEVER assume something it can cause a big fight. DONT ASSUME THAT THEY WILL LIKE THIS IDEA TALK WITH THEM ABOUT IT FIRST
* Don't judge by looks. Sometimes someone can look attractive on the outside but on the inside they are not a good Mate for you. Notice i did not say they were not a good person because, just because you dont think they are does not make that true. They just might not be right for you. When you are in love, or fall in love, you will serious believe the person you are with is the most attractive person on earth, or just very attractive. Or maybe you will get the bonus of finding someone attractive when you first meet them and still feel attracted to them after you get to know them, and then you are attracted to both their inside and out. Love is amazing.
This is all personal, I wrote this all. (^_^)V Peace
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M$
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M$
For me, I make a judgment on a life partner with emphasis on the word "partner". Looks fade, wealth comes and goes, compatibility is king. If humor is important to you, your potential partner must make you laugh or at least laugh at your humor. If family is important to you, your potential partner must be in sync with that concept. Etc, etc... The common denominators must match. No two people are a "perfect" match but the core values must line up. What are your core values? Only you can decide that.
Does anyone look beyond the exterior? Ahhh, don't we all wish the answer were "Why Yes, of course!" But alas, that is simply not the answer. How can we not make some judgment on the package? It's the first thing that approaches our senses, isn't it? First we see, then we hear, then we feel, and then finally, we explore. So sad that the exploration comes last but it is what it is and it is reality. It's a good argument for taking a relationship slowly so all the senses have time to catch up with one another. The good news is that the older we get the more we realize that although a pretty package is nice the total package is what is truly important. The even better news is that what is attractive or eye catching to one is not for another and vica versa. There are many different tastes in appearance. In the end, how you see yourself is the most important thing and plays a huge role in how others see you too. My advice for someone seeking a life partner is to first look inward and get comfortable who who they are and where they are in life, then carry that with pride while you wait for your partner to come along.
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M$If through an unfortunate accident, this person were bed ridden, disabled and unable to speak, could you find it in your heart to take care for them for the rest of their life?
If the answer is NO, then this person should not be your mate for life. You don't know what this life will bring. If you are not in love with the "Interior", your marriage will fail.
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M$
As you grow older, you begin to see the better things and the things you deserve. When I have to judge someone to know we are compatible, I look for their goals in life, how they live it right now, what are they like with others. Although you don't want ot be so nosy, just simply interact with whomever they are close with. Usually, those they are most close with are the ones they are more comfortable with. Which means, they are more likely to act themselves around them. With others, for a fact, MOST of us acts a certain way. I mean "first impressions" and you never get a second chance after the first impression.
Don't go for what they look like, what others thinks of them, or how much they make.
Focus on their goals in life, because if you want a life time mate, you want to know how your future together will be, including financial problems. You don't want to end up with someone who will stay home and nto help around.
myself and experience
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M$You can leave an optional "tip" with Mahalo's virtual currency, Mahalo Dollars. If you are asking a difficult question that might require some research, or if you'd like a wide variety of feedback, a higher tip often leads to more answers to your question.
M$The friend in the net can not be believe in.
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M$
How do we judge a possible future mate? Honestly, I do not think there is a certain way to judge. I have seen so many good and bad examples after people get married. Before marriage, everything is so wonderful and romantic. However, after marriage, everything will be different, it will be more on responsibilities. If two of them do not work it out together or they do not share everything from the bottom of their hearts, that will be very hard to carry on.
The most practical way to judge a possible future mate for your life is through YOUR OWN FEELING. EXTERIOR always come before the FEELING. This is because EXTERIOR is not long-lasting and it can be changed anytime & anywhere. FEELING, it will be deep down inside your heart forever.
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M$
Time flies when you're havin' fun.
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M$
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M$
The best way to judge a future mate is to look at your past mates and determine what it is you need out of a relationship. You might even want to make a list. Next, toss the list aside and think of one very very important thing.
A good person for you should help make your life better. You should feel that you are better because they are with you. go with your gut. If you don't feel like you completely fit in with their life, or things seem a little weird, then you are probably right. When people break up, the they usually said the things that bothered them even at the beginning of the relationship are the same things that bothered them when they broke up.
Don't think too deep into it. the person should simply help you be a better you. If they do, then they are probably worth a shot.
Best of Luck
The_Brain
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M$
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M$
I was attracted to the person prior to getting to know them.
To make a long story short, I finally figured out that people I was instinctually attracted to were NOT the right person for me!
So I looked at people in my life that I was very close to, best friends with and had been for years, and tried to see them as more than just a friend. I even looked at people that were wonderful but I was oddly NOT attracted to.
Once I got past the exterior and actually spent time getting to know them for real, I found the person I'd always wanted to be with was right under my nose (in a matter of speaking) the whole time.
Criteria for a future mate for me included:
1. Being able to talk about ANYthing (no secrets necessary - ever).
2. Being there for them and them for me when I wasn't myself, or very ill.
3. Being able to go on a road trip (more than 12 hours in a car together) and NOT want to kill them.
4. Being able to talk about and understand important topics together (I didn't say "agree").
5. Honesty, integrity, reliability. And not just with me.
6. Able to get along without me and I without them should that become necessary.
7. They treat their family well (if I'm soon to BE their family).
8. I love them regardless of who they might become & love them as they are right now (no improvements necessary).
If I don't trust them alone, in a room full of beautiful, naked, friendly members of the opposite sex (never mind how they got there!) I'd be stupid to devote myself to them as a life mate. Same is true about them trusting me.
If they aren't the perfect mate today, it's ridiculous to try to change them. Find someone who is a perfect match and you'll have every reason to expect them to be a perfect match when you wake up tomorrow too.
It's important to note that my ability to love someone does not make them the right person to be with. If I start a relationship based on feelings, what will happen when those feelings change? Base your love on choice and you'll never look back. :)
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M$
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M$
me
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M$
yourself.
In the US, 50% of marriages end in divorce - when one person is under the age of 25. Why? Maturity, emotional intelligence, and career direction are all factors, but the biggest one is that people are not 'settled' into *who they are* until around that age. To translate this into something more concrete, it pertains to establishing stable personal values and a personal philosophy. These things take time and life experience to build, unless your family accelerated this in your younger years, which is uncommon today. This is why in decades past it wasn't a big deal to marry at 20, but now it is: family culture has changed.
So, back to the question - how can you use this to find who is right for you? First, you must find yourself. If you are not sure of who you are, then no one can make you truly happy. Ever been with someone who is ok with you going out with friends one day, then upset at you for it the next? They are not to this point of stability, and hence are inconsistent and cannot be happy. You need to do the same - work on 'me', then work on finding the right he or she :)
Finding yourself is a journey, and you must be willing to explore *all* of the various sides of issues to find where you sit. Then, the personal philosophy forms from a set of ideals that guide *all* actions very consistently.
In the meantime, dating is very important. You need to find how you are in a relationship, and how other people are. And, dating is fun! Just know that it is best to hold off the most serious of relationships until you are comfortable with yourself, and there you will find the truest answer to your question.
Good luck! :)
15 years of dating, 4 serious relationships and many failed, to today which I'm in the best relationship imaginable!
Various dating books - David Coleman's books, Men are from Mars..., etc.
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M$
