2 years, 4 months ago
about Find My Family ABC
How do i find my children? The state took them from me in 1981 because their former step dad was abusive.
We live in Michigan and i lost them because their step dad was abusive. I no longer with him but the state had already adopted them out so i am looking for them. Please help!
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M$3 Answers
This is a tough situation. And the answer that I give may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth as I see it. I mean no offense.
The state does take children from a home lightly. While you may have been in a situation where you were scared or felt you had no choice, you allowed your children to be abused and are therefore guilty of chosing this man over your children. You should have left for the sake of your children while they were young and been a mother to them then. Don't be surprised if these adults feel that way themselves.
Seeking out people who have been adopted can be difficult. Once a child is adopted, the adopting parents have the legal right to change their names. Sometimes only the last names are changed. It's rare, but there are times when the child's entire name is changed. This makes finding someone even harder.
Do you know who adopted these children? Generally, there are many steps in an adoption - especially when it is the state placing the children. The biological parent is given many, many opportunities to prove they are able to give the children a safe environment where they will be cared for adequately. Only then does social services make the decision to find children permanent homes. A court hearing is also held. Usually, the biological parents are allowed to be at the hearing. If you know the last name of the people who adopted these children you may be able to do some simple searches through Google to locate them now. I'd suggest putting the first name with their parent's last names and seeing what you can find.
Keep in mind most females change their names upon marriage. You'll want to go through public records of marriages. If you're successful there, you then have a spouse's name as well.
If you are unable to find anything out by using the suggestions above, you could hire a private investigator. They will have many avenues to explore and will most likely be able to find the people you are looking for.
In the mean time, I suggest you seek therapy. Again, I mean no offense. However, you will need to prepare yourself for the reaction these people are likely to have to you. It is only natural that they will feel a great deal of hostility towards you considering the situation.
Nearly 30 years have come and gone. They are adults now who were raised by another mother and father. It is not likely that they consider you their mother any longer. You are a stranger to them and they may very well feel that you are invading their lives....invading their family as they most likely have children and homes of their own now.
While they may be very happy to see you and there is a chance you could have a relationship with these people you have to be realistic. Don't expect a reunion filled with all smiles and love where you are welcomed back as their mother with open arms. Chances are this fantasy would be setting yourself up for some serious failure.
When you do find these adults, allow them the decision of whether or not they want to meet you. They may have had no say so in the abuse they were forced to suffer or the emotions of being taken from their natural family but allow them the dignity of saying no without a guilt trip. If they say no, be a loving and caring person and respect their privacy and decision. If they agree, let it be completely and totally on their terms. Nothing will push them away faster than a stranger trying to be a mother to them. Put it all into perspective and try to put yourself in their shoes.
Good luck in your search. I wish the best for all parties involved.
The state does take children from a home lightly. While you may have been in a situation where you were scared or felt you had no choice, you allowed your children to be abused and are therefore guilty of chosing this man over your children. You should have left for the sake of your children while they were young and been a mother to them then. Don't be surprised if these adults feel that way themselves.
Seeking out people who have been adopted can be difficult. Once a child is adopted, the adopting parents have the legal right to change their names. Sometimes only the last names are changed. It's rare, but there are times when the child's entire name is changed. This makes finding someone even harder.
Do you know who adopted these children? Generally, there are many steps in an adoption - especially when it is the state placing the children. The biological parent is given many, many opportunities to prove they are able to give the children a safe environment where they will be cared for adequately. Only then does social services make the decision to find children permanent homes. A court hearing is also held. Usually, the biological parents are allowed to be at the hearing. If you know the last name of the people who adopted these children you may be able to do some simple searches through Google to locate them now. I'd suggest putting the first name with their parent's last names and seeing what you can find.
Keep in mind most females change their names upon marriage. You'll want to go through public records of marriages. If you're successful there, you then have a spouse's name as well.
If you are unable to find anything out by using the suggestions above, you could hire a private investigator. They will have many avenues to explore and will most likely be able to find the people you are looking for.
In the mean time, I suggest you seek therapy. Again, I mean no offense. However, you will need to prepare yourself for the reaction these people are likely to have to you. It is only natural that they will feel a great deal of hostility towards you considering the situation.
Nearly 30 years have come and gone. They are adults now who were raised by another mother and father. It is not likely that they consider you their mother any longer. You are a stranger to them and they may very well feel that you are invading their lives....invading their family as they most likely have children and homes of their own now.
While they may be very happy to see you and there is a chance you could have a relationship with these people you have to be realistic. Don't expect a reunion filled with all smiles and love where you are welcomed back as their mother with open arms. Chances are this fantasy would be setting yourself up for some serious failure.
When you do find these adults, allow them the decision of whether or not they want to meet you. They may have had no say so in the abuse they were forced to suffer or the emotions of being taken from their natural family but allow them the dignity of saying no without a guilt trip. If they say no, be a loving and caring person and respect their privacy and decision. If they agree, let it be completely and totally on their terms. Nothing will push them away faster than a stranger trying to be a mother to them. Put it all into perspective and try to put yourself in their shoes.
Good luck in your search. I wish the best for all parties involved.
source(s):
I'm very familiar with adoption.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-426125/I-wish-Id-met-Mum--Dad.htm...
I'm very familiar with adoption.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-426125/I-wish-Id-met-Mum--Dad.htm...
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M$Report Abuse
How old are your children? Do you still have their birth certificates or social security numbers? Google their names for a face book account depending upon their ages, of course, etc. ( Make sure you are not violating any court orders.) Hire a private investigator.
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M$
You first will have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. I do not pretend to know what happened all those years ago, nor will I judge anything at all.You yourself may not have been in a possition to protect yourself either, I do not know. abused women also suffer greatly.I do know the first thing you should d is consult an attorney. There is a docket number to the cae. Do you still have paperwork form the trial or legal precedings? Some states are very strict about adoption cases being closed, so you will have to see what the your situation is regarding a human services case. If and when you do find where your children are, I would suggest contacting them by letter first.It would help ease them in to meeting you instead a full on initial shock which can be very traumatic and emotional and can lead to very hurt feelings and words being sadi that might not be meant to be said at the time. Take it slow even tho you might feel like rushing. This is the best advice I can give.
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