So many options that might work.... We shall try this first...
Source(s):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

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www.jenjenkids.com/data/junk/noname.jpg

You know you're a redneck when a bellybutton plays an integral role in your tattoo.
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http://www.thejokeyard.com/funny_jokes/heavens_ugliest_women.html

Takes a second to think about, but its hilarious:
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."


This joke was submitted by:
Andrew J.
Source(s):
http://www.thejokeyard.com/funny_jokes/heavens_ugliest_women.html

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PENIS
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Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug?


She gave birth in the spring.

::cough:: ::cough::
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Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
Source(s):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhmnOpoGAPw

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http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/9169/cameraerrorez7.jpg

Or, for something more contemporary:

http://s.buzzfeed.com/raw/bush-shoe-throw/bush-shoe-throw-18b.gif
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a guy enters a fast food asking
- looking for the toilets...
and the fast food owner answers:
- welcome Sir!
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Death.
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Ok, true story:

When my oldest daughter was 3, we were in the middle of leaving for the day when she suddenly asked, "Mommy, why do people like Christmas Enimas?"

All kinds of things went through my head...what the heck IS that?? Roast goose? Wassail? Egg nog?

So I asked her: "Tell me about Christmas enimas. What are they like?"

She said, and I kid you not: "They have arms and legs, and they go inside people and make them happy!"

At this point I was trying not to drive into the ditch or let her know I was laughing so hard. I was happy she noticed the giant Frosty on someone's roof and distracted her.

So that evening, we got home and she again asked "Why do people WANT Christmas enimas?"

Again, I asked her what they were, and got: "They have happy faces and they make people happy when they're inside them!!"

Right then my father-in-law arrived. She asked him the same question. He turned purple trying not to laugh.

And right then my son turned the TV on, and there was a commercial...

For M&Ms. My daughter yelled "THOSE!! Christmas enimas!"
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I used to be an dyslexic agnostic insomniac, but I git tired of lying awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.
Source(s):
Heard around somewhere

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http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fail-owned-horse-fail.jpg
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Poop diarrhea!
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These are my short jokes I always fall back on...stupid, but always get a chuckle for effort:

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? ....it gets wet!

Two fish are swimming together down the river. Both fish hit a wall. The one fish looks over to the other and yells, 'DAM!!!!'

So there's these two muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!" And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
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ok
What's the difference between a pitbull and a chihuahua peeing on your leg ? You let the pitbull finish his pee.
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If you were ten...
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Soccer ball walks into a bar,,,,


Bartender kicked him out.
Source(s):
some bar .. some where.

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http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/
Must read the descriptions
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OK, this has got to do it, or you're dead inside.
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You have no soul if this doesn't get to you.
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

--------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tents, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, someone has stolen our tent!”

--------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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