The plot itself is very interesting and I think it will make a very colourful, interesting fantasy story once it's finished. Since your descriptions are more than detailed, I found it easy to follow and to picture the whole setting. I could also see the persons you created very lively thanks to the details you've given. I cannot critisize anything about the story so far and the criticism I will now give should be seen as subjective advice, not as an insult or anything (since I'm a wannabe-writer on my own, I'm just very easy to hurt with criticism on the way I write, so I'm always feeling bad about giving advice myself).

As someone who has written herself for years and who was always trying to improve her skills, I made the same 'mistake' (sorry, it's no mistake but a personal habit, so don't take it too personally, will you ?) as you did with the descriptive details you've given. It's just too much, too many adjectives, there's no space for the reader's imagination. I know how hard it is to become a tender narrator of nature's features and its beauty, but I learned to become more carefully with selecting the right words and tell myself not to describe every single color, etc. Plus: you have talent, you're eloquent when it comes to find different words to describe the garden. That's great and makes the whole story vivid and colourful. Minus: unfortunately, every honest critic would say that's not too good because it's just to much and so it becomes literally boring and dull.
Besides, it's just way TOO perfect. As a writer, you love perfection, as a reader or critic, you don't want perfection. Perfection makes stories bad! Just imagine Harry Potter being handsome, with no scar or glasses, with muscles, unbelievable superpowers beyond the magic everyone else inhabits, a stunning girlfriend, millions of money he likes to spend on expensive cars, etc. Noone would like this person! What you are doing is creating Mary Sues (if you haven't heard of her before, google it). A Mary Sue (no matter if man or woman) is a fictional perfect character, beautiful, young, mighty, attractice, intelligent, chosen, rich, etc. etc. That is the way you describe your character: She's young, but yet stunning and sooo attractive, for some weird reason she wears nearly nothing (why is she ashamed to wear a bikini when she has worn a mini skirt before ? way too much forced sex appeal without a good reason!), etc. Where are her flaws ? Why isn't she exhausted, terrified, helpless, afraid, lonely, etc. ? It's the same with the other woman - even though she's young, she has already children and a husband but is still very beautiful, etc. That's not good, it's not realistic.

Another thing that could help you become a better writer is not to give it all away that soon. A story has to develop, the reader has to find out what the characters are like by seeing how they act. Your characters don't show personality, they don't react in their own ways ! You just tell. But as an author, you should rather show instead of telling (another HP-example: we learn about Neville's clumsiness by seeing how he makes a lot of clumy moves/mistakes, it's not as if we were just given the sentence "A boy walked in, his name was Neville and he was really clumsy." - because noone would really get his personality then but just something the author thought about and wanted to mention very quickly in the beginning). You see what I mean ? Right away, you tell everything you have thought of and there's nothing left to the characters that will change or develop or be revealed as the story goes on. Why don't you just give her name, Erin, and let the man appear, so that she can shout at him and try to get out of the cage, giving information slightly, like "Let me out ! You've imprisoned me for two weeks now, I can't stand it any longer. Where is my family ? What has happened ?" - here you learn about her personality (she's angry and helpless, she can't tolerate her situation any more, she's confused), the state she's in (she's imprisoned for to weeks, she doesn't know where she or her family is, she has no clue why she's there), so the reader will ask himself the same question. It keeps him reading to find out what has happened to her. But if you just tell and give it all away right in the beginning, there's nothing that has to be revealed later on, no mystery, no real problem that has to be solved.

Okay, I know that's a lot of hard criticism from someone who has never published a book and who has to learn a lot herself, too, but I hope it helps you and that you're taking it as an advice I offer, not as an insult. You're story is nice and interesting, but you can make it better with the talent you have.
Source(s):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue


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