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So I see this therapist..
She is around 40 years old and exceptionally attractive. I have been going to see her for around a year but I think the only reason I continue to see her is to talk to her in a personal way ...while secretly hoping she will find me attractive and break the cardinal rule of medical practice and date me.
What is wrong with me? Is this okay or normal?
What is wrong with me? Is this okay or normal?
voted interesting: jasoncalacanis M$3.00, xds M$0.05
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There is somewhat normal. Think about it, she's an attractive female who always listens to you, gives you her focused constant attention, and gives you all the comfort you could ever crave. She's your rock and someone who helps you. It's no wonder there's a part of your brain that wants to be around her all the time!
And don't think you're alone. There are lots of patients out there who go through the same thing. In fact, Sigmund Freud even wrote about the phenomenon, and dismissed it as understandable. (1)
So the key is understanding your crush and not acting on it. Please believe that your therapist does not think of you as anything more than a patient. If you don't think you can ever see her as anything but an object of affection, you should find yourself a new doctor. If you can come to terms and accept she's only your doctor then you might be able to work toward really helping you feel better.
Don't feel bad about how you feel, just be sure to keep some real perspective about it. Good luck! :)
And don't think you're alone. There are lots of patients out there who go through the same thing. In fact, Sigmund Freud even wrote about the phenomenon, and dismissed it as understandable. (1)
So the key is understanding your crush and not acting on it. Please believe that your therapist does not think of you as anything more than a patient. If you don't think you can ever see her as anything but an object of affection, you should find yourself a new doctor. If you can come to terms and accept she's only your doctor then you might be able to work toward really helping you feel better.
Don't feel bad about how you feel, just be sure to keep some real perspective about it. Good luck! :)
voted helpful: bsin21, cheapgamer
Having feelings to your psychologist is very normal and can be part of the process. It is called transference, a term Sigmund Freud used to describe the client’s feeling for him. According to Freud, transference is a kind of projection: you are projected your own feeling to your therapist. A good therapist will recognize and work this issue out with you. You should tell her how you feel so you can work around this issue. If she reacts unfavorably, then she’s not the competent therapist. It is part of the education as therapist to work with transference issue, as it is very common.
A therapist who also have transference to their clients are called counter transference. They are projecting their own feelings to their clients. If your therapist like you back, then she has committed a serious offence and will be very likely to lose her license. Therefore, it is very unlikely she will return your feelings. If she does, she has committed serious ethical breach and she is not a good or professional therapist. Find another one and report her to APA.
A transference which becomes an obsession can be dangerous for both the client and the therapist, especially for your mental health. If you cannot work out your transference to her and your feeling continues to grow stronger, break your relationship with her immediately and find another therapist, preferably of the same gender. You can ask your therapist to refer you to her trusted colleagues.
A therapist who also have transference to their clients are called counter transference. They are projecting their own feelings to their clients. If your therapist like you back, then she has committed a serious offence and will be very likely to lose her license. Therefore, it is very unlikely she will return your feelings. If she does, she has committed serious ethical breach and she is not a good or professional therapist. Find another one and report her to APA.
A transference which becomes an obsession can be dangerous for both the client and the therapist, especially for your mental health. If you cannot work out your transference to her and your feeling continues to grow stronger, break your relationship with her immediately and find another therapist, preferably of the same gender. You can ask your therapist to refer you to her trusted colleagues.
source(s):
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/Transference.htm
http://www.apa.org/ETHICS/code2002.html
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/Transference.htm
http://www.apa.org/ETHICS/code2002.html
I had a friend who fell in love with her therapist.
She was diligent, and pursued the fellow, even though he was married, and it was strictly against his professional code of conduct rules.
At one point, when he realized she was serious, he called for a six moth hiatus where they would have zero contact, and then they would see how she felt after six months.
Her feelings didn't stop at all, and she actually eventually managed to talk him into having an affair, but she blabbed about it to one woman who was supposed to be her friend.
That "friend" evidently had a boring life, and she wanted to be part of soap opera, so she blew the whistle to the college of physicians, causing the fellow to loose his license, which resulted in a divorce and him having to move back to South Africa.
As for my friend... she was left heartbroken, and less someone who was supposed to be a best friend.
The rules against therapist-patient liaisons are very strict specifically *because* patients falling in love with their therapists is an *old joke*!
They're talking to someone who acts like he cares because he's being paid to, and the reason they're getting therapy in the first place is probably because they don't have anyone to listen to, such that it's almost inevitable that patients will develop feelings for the therapist, and the therapist is supposed to understand that that's why the rules are so hard-line against it... *because* it's virtually inevitable.
If you are intent on having a relation with your therapist, make sure he's not married or in a current relationship, make sure it's been two years since he was your therapist, and never, ever, ever tell even your best friend about the roots of where and how the relationship was first kindled.
She was diligent, and pursued the fellow, even though he was married, and it was strictly against his professional code of conduct rules.
At one point, when he realized she was serious, he called for a six moth hiatus where they would have zero contact, and then they would see how she felt after six months.
Her feelings didn't stop at all, and she actually eventually managed to talk him into having an affair, but she blabbed about it to one woman who was supposed to be her friend.
That "friend" evidently had a boring life, and she wanted to be part of soap opera, so she blew the whistle to the college of physicians, causing the fellow to loose his license, which resulted in a divorce and him having to move back to South Africa.
As for my friend... she was left heartbroken, and less someone who was supposed to be a best friend.
The rules against therapist-patient liaisons are very strict specifically *because* patients falling in love with their therapists is an *old joke*!
They're talking to someone who acts like he cares because he's being paid to, and the reason they're getting therapy in the first place is probably because they don't have anyone to listen to, such that it's almost inevitable that patients will develop feelings for the therapist, and the therapist is supposed to understand that that's why the rules are so hard-line against it... *because* it's virtually inevitable.
If you are intent on having a relation with your therapist, make sure he's not married or in a current relationship, make sure it's been two years since he was your therapist, and never, ever, ever tell even your best friend about the roots of where and how the relationship was first kindled.
Voted as best: kareul
I want to comment on the "The rules against therapist-patient liaisons are very strict specifically *because* patients falling in love with their therapists is an *old joke*!" part.
The rule is not strict because it is an old joke. It is a serious breach of power and professionalism. A therapist is in the position to influence their clients the clients are in very vulnerable position, emotionally, although they might not feel like it. On the other hand, the therapist might feel "false sympathy" and mixed it with genuine empathy that makes the therapist fall for the clients.
Please, do NOT recommend relationship with any therapist even though both are single. It is usually harmful for both of them.
The rule is not strict because it is an old joke. It is a serious breach of power and professionalism. A therapist is in the position to influence their clients the clients are in very vulnerable position, emotionally, although they might not feel like it. On the other hand, the therapist might feel "false sympathy" and mixed it with genuine empathy that makes the therapist fall for the clients.
Please, do NOT recommend relationship with any therapist even though both are single. It is usually harmful for both of them.
lidyax..I agree and would have said it if you didn't. Not only that, but how insulting to say that people who go to a therapist do so because they don't have anyone to talk to. There arwe several other reasons for going to a therapist, including learning new coping skills, having an unbiased listener and so on.
In no way shape or form is it going to be healthy to pursue a relationship with a therapist. The fact that a client develops an interest is quite normal. For a therapist to actually indulge this interest violates the trust of the client whether they know it or not.
In no way shape or form is it going to be healthy to pursue a relationship with a therapist. The fact that a client develops an interest is quite normal. For a therapist to actually indulge this interest violates the trust of the client whether they know it or not.
S1: "The rule is not strict because it is an old joke. It is a serious breach of power and professionalism."
R1: Yes it *is* an old joke. When was the last time you heard of a patient who *didn't* get a crush on his/her therapist?
What you're thinking of is the rules as applied to the therapist not using his/her position of mental power to seduce a patient. I'm talking about the times when it's the *patient* doing the seducing!
S2: "how insulting to say that people who go to a therapist do so because they don't have anyone to talk to. There arwe several other reasons for going to a therapist, including learning new coping skills, having an unbiased listener and so on."
R2: Yeah, well, back in the old days, before there were therapists, it was simply about having a trusted confident and/or colleague to listen to and talk about feelings with on an unbiased level and from whom to learn coping skills etc. etc. yadda yadda.
It's only been since the development of nuclear families in a suburban context that suddenly therapists seemed to become so necessary, and it's not just because there aren't any old aunts and uncles around to talk to ... it's because those who consider themselves to be friends don't know how to *listen* without getting their own stupid subjective emotions involved... yeesh.
R1: Yes it *is* an old joke. When was the last time you heard of a patient who *didn't* get a crush on his/her therapist?
What you're thinking of is the rules as applied to the therapist not using his/her position of mental power to seduce a patient. I'm talking about the times when it's the *patient* doing the seducing!
S2: "how insulting to say that people who go to a therapist do so because they don't have anyone to talk to. There arwe several other reasons for going to a therapist, including learning new coping skills, having an unbiased listener and so on."
R2: Yeah, well, back in the old days, before there were therapists, it was simply about having a trusted confident and/or colleague to listen to and talk about feelings with on an unbiased level and from whom to learn coping skills etc. etc. yadda yadda.
It's only been since the development of nuclear families in a suburban context that suddenly therapists seemed to become so necessary, and it's not just because there aren't any old aunts and uncles around to talk to ... it's because those who consider themselves to be friends don't know how to *listen* without getting their own stupid subjective emotions involved... yeesh.
Even if the patient who does the seducing, the therapist should put a stop on it ASAP!
Just to clarify, I almost finished taking my psychologist education before I dropped out, and this is exactly the first lesson we got on our education. Do NOT under any circumstances, engage in romantic relationship with any client, even FORMER client. Doing so will cause termination of their license.
When you enter into a client therapist relationship, it is the THERAPIST's responsibility to put the stop to any advances the clients make. It is expected that some clients will be attracted to their psychologists, that is why we are taught how to handle it.
If you are encouraging the asker to pursue his feeling, it will be damaging for both of them. To the psychologist, it is unfair, insulting, and you can cause her to lose her license. And it is intentional, because I have informed you of their ethical code and you push her to break it. To the client, there are a lot of benefit of talking to a mental health professional, you are wasting your money and time if you go to her just because you are attracted to her. Use it to solve some issues you might have had instead.
Just to clarify, I almost finished taking my psychologist education before I dropped out, and this is exactly the first lesson we got on our education. Do NOT under any circumstances, engage in romantic relationship with any client, even FORMER client. Doing so will cause termination of their license.
When you enter into a client therapist relationship, it is the THERAPIST's responsibility to put the stop to any advances the clients make. It is expected that some clients will be attracted to their psychologists, that is why we are taught how to handle it.
If you are encouraging the asker to pursue his feeling, it will be damaging for both of them. To the psychologist, it is unfair, insulting, and you can cause her to lose her license. And it is intentional, because I have informed you of their ethical code and you push her to break it. To the client, there are a lot of benefit of talking to a mental health professional, you are wasting your money and time if you go to her just because you are attracted to her. Use it to solve some issues you might have had instead.
Yeah, well... what if they don't see each other for two years, and the therapist is single, and the ex-patient is all mentally healthy?
Is there any reason why they couldn't start a relationship, or does the fact that at one time they had a therapist-patient relation forever forbid the possibility of them knowing each other on any other level?
I think it's definitely a bad thing if a therapist uses his/her mental power and stability to play with the mind of a patient, and use it to seduce them, but man-oh-man... from what I saw happening with that friend, she knew *exactly* what she was doing, and she was in no way being mentally played by the therapist, and as far as I could deduce from the talk I would hear from my friend when I was being her therapist listening to her unload the complicated emotions and feelings she was having for her ex-therapist, the bottom-line issue was that he was married and he didn't want to cheat on his wife, and she was responding with a commitment to the guy that she would just be an anonymous mistress and would never try to compel him to leave his wife.
Hmm... seems to me that if people are going to get that warped about it, then all therapy sessions should be done with a black curtain in-between... or maybe it should all be done over the net where the therapist presents an avatar custom designed to be comforting to the mind of the patient, and then he can use voice modification software to sound like someone else, and...
... and it can all be outsourced to call centers in India.
Most of the time people just need someone to talk to!
I read a study once about a tribe in Malaysia that had the lowest incidence of mental disorders ever seen, and so they were studied, and the only thing that stood out was that they had a tradition of all telling each other what they'd dreamed about the night before while they were having breakfast.
The process of describing dreams, especially the part of translating the symbolism so that a listener can get a sense for what your dream was like, evidently is just as good as any therapy for getting a person to be together and relaxed with their own head.
All of this, so far, is presuming that there's nothing biochemically wrong, in which case what they need is a pill, not therapy.
But if their neurophysiology is okay, and they still need a therapist, then I bet all they really need is someone to talk to, and maybe the reason that's so hard to find is that nobody's cool enough anymore to just there and listen and understand without being judgmental.
Is there any reason why they couldn't start a relationship, or does the fact that at one time they had a therapist-patient relation forever forbid the possibility of them knowing each other on any other level?
I think it's definitely a bad thing if a therapist uses his/her mental power and stability to play with the mind of a patient, and use it to seduce them, but man-oh-man... from what I saw happening with that friend, she knew *exactly* what she was doing, and she was in no way being mentally played by the therapist, and as far as I could deduce from the talk I would hear from my friend when I was being her therapist listening to her unload the complicated emotions and feelings she was having for her ex-therapist, the bottom-line issue was that he was married and he didn't want to cheat on his wife, and she was responding with a commitment to the guy that she would just be an anonymous mistress and would never try to compel him to leave his wife.
Hmm... seems to me that if people are going to get that warped about it, then all therapy sessions should be done with a black curtain in-between... or maybe it should all be done over the net where the therapist presents an avatar custom designed to be comforting to the mind of the patient, and then he can use voice modification software to sound like someone else, and...
... and it can all be outsourced to call centers in India.
Most of the time people just need someone to talk to!
I read a study once about a tribe in Malaysia that had the lowest incidence of mental disorders ever seen, and so they were studied, and the only thing that stood out was that they had a tradition of all telling each other what they'd dreamed about the night before while they were having breakfast.
The process of describing dreams, especially the part of translating the symbolism so that a listener can get a sense for what your dream was like, evidently is just as good as any therapy for getting a person to be together and relaxed with their own head.
All of this, so far, is presuming that there's nothing biochemically wrong, in which case what they need is a pill, not therapy.
But if their neurophysiology is okay, and they still need a therapist, then I bet all they really need is someone to talk to, and maybe the reason that's so hard to find is that nobody's cool enough anymore to just there and listen and understand without being judgmental.
Issues don't go away just because they're hidden for two years. I personally wouldn't want someone who literally knows me in and out, and also have power to subtly control me. Imagine what she can flung to your face during disagreements.
We are all "mentally unhealthy" in some ways. It is impossible to work out all all our issues in our live span, much less in 2 years time. What we define as what is mentally healthy and not is still up to debate, even among psychologists themselves. It is generally agreed that people who can function and live happy life is considered "normal", or healthy.
You can feel like you don't have any problems at all and you go to a psychologist to be checked and you will find out you have many emotional problems.
Even thinking of going to a psychologist to seduce her can be a sign of mentally unhealthy. I'm not being insulting, everything in the psychology world can be used as a sign of neuroticism.
We are all "mentally unhealthy" in some ways. It is impossible to work out all all our issues in our live span, much less in 2 years time. What we define as what is mentally healthy and not is still up to debate, even among psychologists themselves. It is generally agreed that people who can function and live happy life is considered "normal", or healthy.
You can feel like you don't have any problems at all and you go to a psychologist to be checked and you will find out you have many emotional problems.
Even thinking of going to a psychologist to seduce her can be a sign of mentally unhealthy. I'm not being insulting, everything in the psychology world can be used as a sign of neuroticism.
S: "You can feel like you don't have any problems at all and you go to a psychologist to be checked and you will find out you have many emotional problems."
R: Oh great, so you mean, I could have been happy, and I go see a therapist, and it's explained to me how messed up I am and how horrible I should be feeling, and that... what I need is therapy, so talk to the secretary about booking regular weekly sessions?
Is that covered by health insurance?
R: Oh great, so you mean, I could have been happy, and I go see a therapist, and it's explained to me how messed up I am and how horrible I should be feeling, and that... what I need is therapy, so talk to the secretary about booking regular weekly sessions?
Is that covered by health insurance?
That's not what I'm saying. I said that we are often unaware of our own problems. Even if you feel mentally healthy, you might have some unresolved issues in your life that might become a problem when you have a relationship with your former therapist.
Hmm... implying that the therapist had not done a full job, else there would be no unresolved issues, and also implying that it should be okay once you're totally cured.
I've had relations like that, where first the other worked on me until I could see all of my problems, and then when I had modified my behavior enough to pass analysis, she'd inform me that I was now qualified to be her significant other, and was quite put out if I didn't take a running dive in feet first.
The big, big, big evil problem is when a therapist uses his/her position of mental control to do the seducing. That is strikten verboten.
But if it's years later, and the former patient and the former therapist cross paths, and both parties are mentally sane and sound, then it's just two people crossing paths, and I cannot see any logical reason for nature to not roll out a path should that be the natural way for two mutually attracted mentally healthy people to want to go.
I've had relations like that, where first the other worked on me until I could see all of my problems, and then when I had modified my behavior enough to pass analysis, she'd inform me that I was now qualified to be her significant other, and was quite put out if I didn't take a running dive in feet first.
The big, big, big evil problem is when a therapist uses his/her position of mental control to do the seducing. That is strikten verboten.
But if it's years later, and the former patient and the former therapist cross paths, and both parties are mentally sane and sound, then it's just two people crossing paths, and I cannot see any logical reason for nature to not roll out a path should that be the natural way for two mutually attracted mentally healthy people to want to go.
But you know... I was just thinking...
If you ever did have a therapist who got inside your head so deep that he or she knew you inside out and upside down to the extent that there were no mysteries anymore...
... It would be like dating a member of your family.
It's normal to feel strong affection for a trusted member of the family who's helped you out...
... But to date them...?
Pthh...
If you ever did have a therapist who got inside your head so deep that he or she knew you inside out and upside down to the extent that there were no mysteries anymore...
... It would be like dating a member of your family.
It's normal to feel strong affection for a trusted member of the family who's helped you out...
... But to date them...?
Pthh...
Yes, this is perfectly normal. In fact, you should never feel that anything you feel in the company of your therapist is wrong or jaded in any way.
The nature of therapy itself is to explore your feelings and overcome personal obstacles.
Most therapists are trained to recognize and work with infatuation. She likely already knows that you have these feelings.
However, it is not only unethical for her to engage in a personal relationship with a patient, she would be risking her career and profession by doing so.
She may be using your infatuation with her to help guide you down a path or simply to keep you talking. Unless she has a clear and specific goal, this may not be the good for you.
I suggest that you talk to her frankly and openly about this. It may feel uncomfortable before you start, but remember, that she likely knows full well how you feel and will appreciate that you're talking openly about this situation so that you can use it to help you overcome whatever difficulty you're facing.
While I've made some very decisive statements and suggestions here, only you know best. Think deeply about your situation. Think about the outcome, and think about what you're doing. You'll feel an answer bubble up. Be honest.
The nature of therapy itself is to explore your feelings and overcome personal obstacles.
Most therapists are trained to recognize and work with infatuation. She likely already knows that you have these feelings.
However, it is not only unethical for her to engage in a personal relationship with a patient, she would be risking her career and profession by doing so.
She may be using your infatuation with her to help guide you down a path or simply to keep you talking. Unless she has a clear and specific goal, this may not be the good for you.
I suggest that you talk to her frankly and openly about this. It may feel uncomfortable before you start, but remember, that she likely knows full well how you feel and will appreciate that you're talking openly about this situation so that you can use it to help you overcome whatever difficulty you're facing.
While I've made some very decisive statements and suggestions here, only you know best. Think deeply about your situation. Think about the outcome, and think about what you're doing. You'll feel an answer bubble up. Be honest.
Yes it is normal.
You are probably a very normal middle aged young man who is getting nothing more than the "Hot for teacher" bug.
Then again you could be a she, but that wouldn't fit with the underlying tone of the entire question.
I think the best thing you could do for yourself is ask yourself if you want to continue her being your guide in life or do you want to end that business arrangement and take a more courting role in your relationship with this women.
I couldn't count the number of times I have had a thing for one or more of my professors or proctors during college, just thinking about them brings me back to a highlighted and heightened state of mind.
You are only human. Just remember ....She is too.
http://www.farfromneutral.com/exodus/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/314greysanatomy020.jpg
You are probably a very normal middle aged young man who is getting nothing more than the "Hot for teacher" bug.
Then again you could be a she, but that wouldn't fit with the underlying tone of the entire question.
I think the best thing you could do for yourself is ask yourself if you want to continue her being your guide in life or do you want to end that business arrangement and take a more courting role in your relationship with this women.
I couldn't count the number of times I have had a thing for one or more of my professors or proctors during college, just thinking about them brings me back to a highlighted and heightened state of mind.
You are only human. Just remember ....She is too.
source(s):
I won't go there.
I won't go there.
No, there's nothing "wrong with you." However, you should not be seeing the therapist because you find her attractive.
Not only is it a waste of money, it will prevent you from fully being honest with yourself and to her, because you will try to make a good impression on her.
I recommend you end your appointments in a respectful manner.
Not only is it a waste of money, it will prevent you from fully being honest with yourself and to her, because you will try to make a good impression on her.
I recommend you end your appointments in a respectful manner.
voted helpful: lidyax
I think it is normal to have this type of reaction. It is normal to feel attracted to someone whom you share personal experiences with and open up to easily. Therapy is naturally a very intimate relationship and special bonds are formed.
Being a therapist myself I can say that it is most likely that she will not break the ethical code. Dating/Sexual relationships with clients is considered the worst ethical violation there is. It does occur (it's rare) but it is very inappropriate and the therapist would be turned into the ethical board if anyone found out. They are very strict about inappropriate relationships.
Most therapists would never dream of crossing this line. I know myself I never see my clients in that type of light. I don't see clients as attractive or not. I would never let myself go there - it would never serve any purpose, it would not be beneficial to me nor the client and it could only lead to trouble, plus it could be harmful to the client. Therapists have to put their client's well being above all else and it is harmful to cross this boundary. Hopefully there would be other benefits from therapy other than going for this reason of wanting to date her. If not then why not discuss this with her in session. It is important to be honest with your therapist and to discuss whatever concerns you have, what motivations you have for therapy, what your therapeutic goals are, what changes to your goals have occurred over the past year of therapy, etc. All of this can be discussed openly. That's the great thing about therapy - you can work through any issue that is important to you. I hope this helps.
http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/dpa/lowres/dpan1038l.jpg
Being a therapist myself I can say that it is most likely that she will not break the ethical code. Dating/Sexual relationships with clients is considered the worst ethical violation there is. It does occur (it's rare) but it is very inappropriate and the therapist would be turned into the ethical board if anyone found out. They are very strict about inappropriate relationships.
Most therapists would never dream of crossing this line. I know myself I never see my clients in that type of light. I don't see clients as attractive or not. I would never let myself go there - it would never serve any purpose, it would not be beneficial to me nor the client and it could only lead to trouble, plus it could be harmful to the client. Therapists have to put their client's well being above all else and it is harmful to cross this boundary. Hopefully there would be other benefits from therapy other than going for this reason of wanting to date her. If not then why not discuss this with her in session. It is important to be honest with your therapist and to discuss whatever concerns you have, what motivations you have for therapy, what your therapeutic goals are, what changes to your goals have occurred over the past year of therapy, etc. All of this can be discussed openly. That's the great thing about therapy - you can work through any issue that is important to you. I hope this helps.
voted helpful: eatthatpopcorn
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