How to Talk to Your Child About Sex

• by Jenny Hudock

Introduction

• Most parents dread having to talk to their children about the birds and the bees. Some will take up the task with reluctance, while others will avoid it completely in hopes that the educational system will do their job for them.¹ A 2006 survey shows that over 750,000 young women in America between the ages of 15 and 19 get pregnant every year.² Though this number has lowered in recent years, the fact remains that teen pregnancy rates in the United States are still an issue.^{2 3}

• Along with startlingly high pregnancy rates, over three million young women in America have been infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease.⁴ If you haven't had the talk with your child yet, what are you waiting for? Read on for some helpful tips that will make your job just a little bit easier.

Step 1: Educate Yourself

• One of the greatest reasons parents balk at having to have the sex talk with their kids is the discomfort they feel talking about sex. Maybe their parents never talked to them, and it's possible they are afraid they won't know the right answers. You can begin by educating yourself. Arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can will also help to make you feel just a little more comfortable when it comes time to answer awkward questions.

1. Assess your own comfort level before you begin. Discomfort often sends out negative messages that could confuse your children.⁵
2. Sit down and talk with a trusted friend, medical professional or spiritual counselor.⁶
3. Studies show that parents with an open mind have kids who are more likely to feel comfortable talking with them and listening to what they have to say. Do your best to keep your mind open.⁶
4. Read everything you can.
   1. There are a number of helpful books on the market; take advantage of them.⁶
      • Try to find a book with useful diagrams you can use for explanations.⁷
   2. Seek out the resources made available to you by medical professionals and universities.⁸
      • You can often find this information in your local library.
   3. Use the Internet, but don't just rely on the first source you find. Compare resources to make sure they are well-researched and accredited.
5. Take a look at current events. Use situations in the media to your advantage.⁹

Step 2: Create a Safe Conversation Environment

• Talking to your kids about sex is probably the most important thing you will ever talk to them about. You don't want to rush the talk, or have it in an awkward place that leaves both of you feeling estranged. Here are some great tips on where and how to talk so your words reach your child's ears:

1. Choose a conversation friendly place, like a quiet booth in an uncrowded restaurant.¹⁰
2. Watch television together and use sexual examples as teaching points.¹¹
3. Take advantage of the media. The media is hitting closer to home with realistic topics, and you can draw on these situations to set examples or start conversations.¹²
4. Be approachable no matter what. You may want to set the tone for the perfect moment, but things don't always turn out how we plan.¹
5. The car is a great place to talk because of the privacy it offers.¹⁰
6. Above all, make sure the environment is safe, private and free from interruptions.¹⁰

• Another important factor parents should consider is making sure your child feels comfortable talking to both parents. There are misconceptions that only a mother or another female should talk to her daughter about sex, and the same with a father and son. But this is not necessarily true; both parents should be able to provide information. If they see that their parents have a healthy attitude about sex, they will follow that example.¹⁰

Step 3: It's Never Too Early to Start

• It is never too early to begin talking to your child about sex. From the day they are born, children begin learning. As they become toddlers, the knowledge they soak in from the world around them will begin to reflect everything from how they view relationships to how they see their own body. Between the ages three and five, children start to ask questions about their bodies. What makes boys different from girls and where do babies come from are both popular questions from this age group.⁹ Here are some important things to keep in mind while talking to young children:

1. Be honest. When they ask you where babies come from, don't rely on old folk tales. ¹
2. Don't overdo it with details they won't understand. Straightforward, age-appropriate dialogue is best.⁹
3. Do not use pet names for sexual organs.⁹
   • It is imperative to teach children early on to be comfortable with their bodies.¹³
4. Encourage your child's interest, and avoid embarrassing them by telling them not to talk about such things.¹⁴
5. Teach them about privacy, and that their body is their own.¹⁴
   • It is also important to stress that everyone needs privacy sometimes. This will be especially important later when talking to your child about things like masturbation.⁹
6. If your child is older, start out by asking them what they know about sex. This will offer you a starting point.¹⁵
7. Base your discussion around your child's expressed interests, and don't go any further unless they ask more questions.¹³
8. Make yourself available at all stages of development to answer questions.¹³
9. Don't preach, judge or moralize with them.¹² It will only push them away.

Keep Talking

• If you started talking to your toddler about her body when she was three years old, and kept up with her questions about where babies come from and how mommies and daddies fit into that equation, you've set a strong foundation to transition through as she ages. Her questions are going to increase and evolve as she does, thanks to the ever-changing world around her. One of the major mistakes parents make is thinking that they only need to talk about sex with their child once. Talking about sex should be a continuing dialogue between children and their parents.¹

Step 4: Preparing for Puberty

• As your child grows and their body starts to change with puberty, they will probably have a lot of questions about what they are feeling and going through. Be sure you address all the issues.

1. Talk about the changes their bodies are going through, and what they mean.
2. Address issues like emotional and peer pressure.¹⁶
3. Even if they embarrass you, be truthful about issues they ask to know more about, like petting and oral sex, diseases, the moral and ethical outcomes of being sexually active and how to prevent pregnancy.¹⁶
4. Masturbation is natural and not something to be embarrassed about. Do make sure they understand that it is a private thing.⁹
5. Sexual fantasy is natural; let them know they shouldn't be ashamed.⁹
6. Explain the function of hormones, and how they affect the body physically and emotionally.⁶
7. Talk with them about sexual identity.⁷
   • Some kids might be confused about their sexual feelings and attractions.⁷ Take time to listen, and don't judge what they have to say.

School Maturation Talks

• Many schools conduct a "sex and your body" health seminar anywhere between fourth and seventh grade, but not all schools do this. Even if your child's school does perform this type of seminar, the education should not stop there.

1. If the school does hold a seminar, keep in mind that you can't rely on this as your child's sole source of information.¹⁰
   1. Teachers may not be as experienced or qualified as you'd hoped.
   2. The school system will more than likely not take your personal family values into consideration.¹⁰
   3. You may want to ask the administration for copies of the presented material so you can review it and prepare to answer your child's questions.
2. If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, buy a book and present it without pressure.¹⁶
   • You may want to include the offer to talk anytime, just so they know the door is always open.

Step 5: Responsibility and Consequence

• Along with answering questions and making your teen feel comfortable with the changes they are going through, you'll want to talk about the responsibilities and consequences associated with being sexually active.⁶

Responsibilities

• When to become sexually active is one of the most difficult choices many teens face. With factors like peer pressure and the longing many teens feel toward becoming adults, it's no wonder it's such a tough choice. While most parents would prefer that their children never become sexual beings, in the end it is a choice many parents may not factor into at all. One way to assure that you have a small voice in your teen's decision to become sexually active is to keep the lines of communication open, and to educate them on what it means to be a responsible sex partner.⁷

1. Be honest about the consequences of irresponsible behavior.⁷
2. Make sure they understand that it's never okay to pressure someone else into sexual a act, and it is equally unacceptable for them to be pressured by someone.¹⁵
3. Talk to them about the different types of birth control and protection, and let them know where they can find it.¹¹
4. Explain that sex goes beyond the physical, and carries emotional bonds that tie you to your partner.¹
5. Teach them how to weigh out the pros and cons before making life-altering choices.⁷
6. Share your moral and ethical views with them.⁷

Consequences

• When you take into consideration the startling pregnancy statistics for teenage girls, one has to wonder if those young women were educated about the consequences of becoming sexually active. It's no secret that many teenagers have a difficult time grasping consequences because they haven't happened yet.¹⁵

• Many teens believe that you can't get pregnant:

1. The first time you have sex⁶
2. If you jump up and down after sex.¹¹
3. If you sit in a hot tub after sex.¹¹
4. If they have sex while the female is menstruating.¹⁷
5. If you kill the male's sperm count before sex by consuming caffeine or alcohol.¹¹
6. If a male ejaculates three times, and gets rid of all of his sperm before having intercourse.¹⁷
7. If the male doesn't ejaculate during intercourse, or withdrawals before ejaculating.¹⁷

• Teens also have a lot of misconceptions about contracting STDs like:

1. You can brush your teeth after oral sex to kill STDs you might have come in contact with.¹⁸
2. Birth control pills protect them from contracting STDs.¹⁹
3. Condoms come with small holes that allow disease and semen through.¹⁸
4. Herpes can't be contracted from a sex partner unless he or she is having an outbreak.¹⁹
5. Having intercourse in a pool or hot tub is safe because chlorine kills STDs¹⁸
6. Drinking bleach will protect them from contracting HIV/AIDs.²⁰

• Some of these misconceptions are downright dangerous. Studies show that parents who explain the consequences of irresponsible sexual behavior have kids who are less likely to have unprotected sex, become pregnant and in some cases they delay or abstain from sex, choosing to wait until they are emotionally ready for the responsibilities that come with it.²¹

Step 6: What if Your Child is Already Sexually Active?

• If your teen is already sexually active, it's not too late. While you can't change the inevitable, there are a few things you can do to ensure that your teen makes responsible and healthy decisions.

1. Let your teen know you are always there to listen, and offer your advice if they need it.¹⁵
2. Make sure you offer to help them obtain proper protection and birth control.¹⁵
3. Don't treat their sexuality like a problem. Sex is a natural part of human life, and a negative reaction could result in confusion.¹²
4. Share your own values, but don't preach! Preaching will turn them away, and they won't hear you at all.⁶
5. In the event that they weren't ready but had sex anyway, let them know it's okay to start over. They can take on what is known as a second virginity, and choose not to have sex again until they are mentally ready for the responsibility that comes with it.¹⁰

Conclusion

• Watching our children grow into sexual beings is not an easy task, but it is a natural part of life. Early childhood education about the body and continued conversation as they grow will ensure that your child feels more confident about the changes they are going through. Be sure to keep the lines of communication open always, and your child will be more likely to make healthy and responsible decisions you can be proud of.

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References for How to Talk to Your Child About Sex

1. ↑ ^{1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4} How To Do Things.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
2. ↑ ^{2.0 2.1} Guttmacher Institute: Facts on American Teens' Sexual and Reproductive Health (September 2006)
3. ↑ Cool Nurse: Teen Pregnancy Rates in the USA
4. ↑ U.S. News: One in 4 Teen Girls Has a Sexually Transmitted Disease (March 11, 2008)
5. ↑ About.com: Talking with Kids About Sex
6. ↑ ^{6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 6.5 6.6} Talking With Kids: Talking With Kids About Sex and Relationships  
7. ↑ ^{7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 7.6} American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Talking to Your Kids About Sex (May 2005)
8. ↑ CYFERnet: March is “Talk to Your Kids about Sex” Month
9. ↑ ^{9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 9.5 9.6} WebMD: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
10. ↑ ^{10.0 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 10.5 10.6} ValuesParenting.com: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
11. ↑ ^{11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4} Montefiore Medical Center: How to Talk to Your Kids About sex
12. ↑ ^{12.0 12.1 12.2} Fox News: How to Talk With Your Child About Sex (June 19, 2008)
13. ↑ ^{13.0 13.1 13.2} Nine MSN: Talking to Your Kids About Sex
14. ↑ ^{14.0 14.1} Parent Center: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
15. ↑ ^{15.0 15.1 15.2 15.3 15.4} eHow: How To Talk To Your Child About Sex
16. ↑ ^{16.0 16.1 16.2} MSNBC: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex Ed (August 1, 2006)
17. ↑ ^{17.0 17.1 17.2} Scarleteen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating Pregnancy and Pregnancy Risk Myths from Facts
18. ↑ ^{18.0 18.1 18.2} Scarlateen: Misconception Mayhem: Separating STI Myths from Facts
19. ↑ ^{19.0 19.1} About.com: STD Myths and Facts
20. ↑ ABC Action News: Some Florida Teens Believe Drinking Bleach Prevents HIV/AIDS (April 2004)
21. ↑ About.com: Do I Have to Talk With My Kids About Sex?

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