How to Survive a Breakup

Guide Note

Breaking up with someone can leave you feeling overwhelmed by emotion. Though you may feel sad, vulnerable, devastated, and numb, you can cope with the pain and disappointment of ending a relationship.

Table of Contents

Surviving a Breakup Shortlist

  1. Give yourself time to heal.
  2. Focus on positive friends and activities.
  3. Be physically active.
  4. Be kind to yourself and your ex.
  5. Find things that make you laugh and smile.

Disclaimer

The content in this page is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your doctor or a mental health professional if you are dealing with issues of depression following a breakup.

Introduction

  • Love and the warmth of a relationship are what many people are looking for. Sadly, they don't always last. And often the hardest part is dealing with your own feelings while you try to balance work, friends and all the other aspects of your life. There is no quick cure for a broken heart, but the steps in this guide will try to help you cope with your emotions and give you some ideas on how to heal yourself and put a smile on your face.

Step 1: Feel the Pain

Hang in there. (Creative Commons photo by Dawn Simon)
Hang in there. (Creative Commons photo by Dawn Simon)
  • In the first moments after a breakup, you may experience a roller coaster of emotions.1 Allowing yourself to feel what you feel and acknowledging it will help you move towards brighter days and a lighter heart.2 3 Common emotions you may feel can include:
  1. Sadness
  2. Loss
  3. Anger
  4. Disappointment
  5. Shame
  6. Humiliation
  7. Depression
  8. Loneliness
  9. Anxiety
  10. Lethargy

Step 2: Leave the Past Behind

  • All your strong emotions need to be channeled into actions that will help you heal. The next step is to create a set of ground rules for yourself that will keep you living in the present and encourage you to behave with dignity and class.4
  1. Remove all traces of your Ex. Take all the photos, articles of clothing, CDs, letters or anything else that may remind you of your Ex, put the items in a box and hide the box away. Place the box in a storage area you don't frequently use or give the box to a good friend to keep for you. The idea is to remove anything that will keep you reminiscing about the love you lost and stuck in emotional limbo.3
  2. Do not contact your Ex. Delete his number from your cellphone, remove his email from your contact lists, and if you use social network sites such as Facebook or MySpace, remove his profiles from your friend lists. You may be friends again one day, but for now you need to learn to live without your Ex and not have any excuses to contact him or remain caught up in his life.3
  3. Write out your feelings about him or her and the relationship. Use a journal or address a letter to your Ex (but don't mail it). Write a list of the things you hate about her. If you play an instrument, write a ridiculously sad or angry song (but don't torture your friends and force them to listen to it). The process of expressing your feelings on paper will help you release tears, anger, frustration and pain. It's your opportunity to grieve, to feel wounded or scorned, without taking it out on anyone else. And it is something you can look back on to examine what worked and didn't work in the relationship so you can narrow in on more positive choices for the future.5
  4. Stop Obsessing. If you find yourself unable to concentrate on anything but your Ex and what went wrong, try mental exercises that force you think about all the good things in your life that do not include your Ex. You may feel a big void now, but you can find other people and adventures to fill up the gaps in your schedule.6

Special Note:

  • If you and your Ex share children, then of course it is not realistic to eliminate all contact. But try to keep your communication limited to family matters, remain civil and don't put your children in the middle. If you need to limit all communication for awhile, ask a good friend or family member to be a mediator between you and your Ex to discuss issues regarding the kids. Remember that even though you are hurting right now and may think your Ex is the scum-of-the-earth-who-deserves-a-root-canal, your feelings will change and your Ex is still a parent who loves and is loved by your children.7

Step 3: Rely On Other People

Rely on your BFF. (Creative Commons photo by ajusticenetwork)
Rely on your BFF. (Creative Commons photo by ajusticenetwork)
  • Almost anyone you know can relate to how it feels to end a relationship, so lean on other people you love and/or trust to help you through it.2
  1. Your family. Your family is usually full of people who love you unconditionally, so let them cheer you up when you are feeling down.1 2
  2. Your best friend. Your closest friends are the ones who know you well, and who will support you and act as a lifeline on those darkest days. Let yourself cry, scream and generally mope in front of this person. When you have the urge to contact the Ex or post nude photos of him all over the Internet, call your friend instead.8
  3. Other friends. Try to spread your angst around. Relying on one person in your inner circle can become taxing for him or her, so find a few people for your post-breakup companionship. You may want to stay away from the friends you share with your Ex, at least for now. But if you do have good mutual friends, avoid trash-talking your Ex or putting your friends in the middle.8 7
  4. A therapist. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed with grief or you just aren't comfortable talking to the people closest to you, consider professional counseling. An impartial outsider gives you a safe forum to talk freely about all your feelings and maybe work out other personal problems.7 8
  5. Community groups. Other resources to turn to can be a church group or other faith-based support group.1

Step 4: Be Active and Rediscover Yourself

  1. Exercise. Physical activity releases endorphins, natural chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. You may feel sad or sluggish, but force yourself to call up a friend and go running, hiking, biking or whatever activity you like. The added benefit is you will look good too!7
  2. Go on a trip. Whether it's taking a quick weekend getaway to Las Vegas to play craps with some friends or finally going on that vacation to Greece you've been planning for years, a change of venue will have you less consumed with sadness and more focused on meeting new people, discovering new cuisines or cultures, and having fun.5
  3. Take a class. Learn to surf. Take salsa lessons. Discover the beauty of speaking Italian or French. The idea is to do activities that will keep your brain occupied with something else and get you back in touch with yourself. Try an exercise class such as kickboxing. You'll get the benefits of learning something new while exercising, and you can chuckle with secret glee as you imagine the face of your Ex on the receiving end of every punch and kick.7
  4. Get a hobby. Wherever your interests may lie, be it gardening, bowling or glassblowing, find the activity/craft/hobby that is right for you and pursue it. You get to do something you love and you may make some cool new friends.6
  5. Volunteer. The surest way to make your own problems seem smaller and less significant is to help others in need. Go to a local church or shelter, or search online at the USA Freedom Corps or the American Red Cross to find opportunities in your city.7 9 10

Step 5: Better Days

The glass is half full. (Creative Commons photo by Jesper Rønn-Jensen)
The glass is half full. (Creative Commons photo by Jesper Rønn-Jensen)
  • There is no time frame or absolute blueprint for how to get over the end of a relationship. Each person has to find what works for him and take the time needed.
  1. Allow yourself to feel bad.
  2. Look to your friends for guidance and bad breakup stories of their own. Nothing works better at putting a smile on your face than the past misery of someone you love.
  3. Focus on the positive. It's natural to feel angry, bitter and vengeful and tempting to stay close to those emotions. But don't let those negative emotions overwhelm you.2
  4. Although you may want to go out and have fun, don't jump into a new relationship right away—wait until you're ready for love.3

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References for How to Survive a Breakup

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 Caremark: Depression After a Breakup
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 California State University Long Beach: Surviving a Breakup
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 Huffington Post: How To Break Up: Part I (January 31, 2008)
  4. ↑ iVillage.com: Ground Rules
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 TheRelationshipGym.com: How to Get Over a Break Up
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 Western Washington University: Counseling Center: Surviving a Breakup
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 HelpGuide.org: Coping with a Breakup
  8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 8.2 Health24.com: Surviving a Breakup
  9. ↑ USA Freedom Corps: USA Freedom Corps
  10. ↑ American Red Cross: American Red Cross