How to Propose

• by Tracy C.

• Also try: How to Propose to Your Boyfriend
• Also try: How to Propose to Your Partner

• Mahalo Daily: How to Propose Properly

Introduction

• Asking for your significant other's hand in marriage is a momentous occasion, and one often preceded by high levels of anxiety. Perhaps this is for good reason—many women recently surveyed complained about proposals that were either in front of an audience, sprung too soon (this is a major life decision!), or made without a ring. To ease your mind, start planning! With careful thought and a little organization, you can orchestrate the perfect proposal, one that will have your beloved answering a resounding "Yes!".

Step 1: Before You Propose

Are wedding rings in your future? (Creative Commons photo by Dennis and Aimee Jonez)

• Although more than two million people continue to marry each year in the United States, many have very specific ideas of marriage and what it means.
• Take a moment before thinking about how to propose to make sure you definitely should propose.

1. Evaluate what you think her response to your proposal would be: elation, concern, utter shock?
2. If her answer is iffy in your mind, it might be best to take a step back and let the relationship develop a little longer.
3. As exciting as the prospect of marriage can be, be sure to consider carefully what it will mean to spend the rest of your life with this person and whether or not that is definitely what you both want.
4. Talk about marriage long before you get down on one knee. It's good to have a conversation about what you both expect out of marriage to make sure you are on the same page. Have you discussed the possibility of children? Your religious status? Where you will live, etc.?
5. If you're part of a same sex couple, you'll need to determine what state is the right place to marry, or if you'd rather look into a domestic partnership. Also see our guide, How to Propose to Your Partner.
6. Also try to get a sense from your partner about how he or she might enjoy being proposed to: is your significant other a private person or does she enjoy a lavish display of affection?

Step 2: Start Making Plans

• "Will you marry me?" could be the most important question you've ever asked someone. You want it to be meaningful, so plan ahead.

The Timeline

• Whether you are hoping to propose on a specific holiday, or just want to be sure the two of you will have plenty of time to plan a spring wedding, you'll need to consider when is the right time to pop the question.

1. Experts recommend an 18-month lead time for wedding planning. So if you are certain your soon-to-be fiancée has her heart set on a Christmas wedding, you'll want to ask two summers prior.
2. If you know that she is flexible about where and when she gets married, lead time won't be as important.
3. Think about whether or not you want to join the club and pop the question over the holidays.
4. New Year's or Valentine's Day are ever-popular times, too.
5. Other times to consider: birthday, anniversary, anniversary of your first date, summer solstice, a quirky holiday (as if Groundhog Day could get any better!), or following a graduation, or a recent transcontinental move so the two of you could be together.

The Ring

• If you will propose with an engagement ring, it's time to do some shopping.

1. See Mahalo's guide to How to Buy an Engagement Ring.
2. According to a recent survey, women's number one complaint about their proposals was that he asked without a ring.
3. Remember that rings can take 6-8 weeks (or longer) to arrive after you decide on your setting.
4. Confirm with your jeweler that your ring will be ready in time for the big day.

The Parents

• Will you ask permission for her hand in marriage? If so, it's time to schedule a meeting with your future in-laws.

1. Even if it seems like an antiquated notion, only 19% of women recently surveyed said that asking her parents' permission to marry was unimportant.
2. Don't forget to include both parents. Traditionally, a man proposing marriage would speak with the woman's father to ask his permission to marry. Now Moms want to be asked for their blessing, too!
3. If you live far away from her parents, you should ask over the telephone.
4. Much like in your actual proposal, it's probably best to mention to parents WHY you want to marry their daughter. Reassuring them that you intend to spend the rest of your life with their child is a good way to secure their blessing.

Brainstorm Proposal Ideas

Will the proposal be a major surprise? (Creative Commons photo by Jenny Bauman)

• There are definitely certain proposal mistakes to avoid. Be creative and thoughtful so you don't become a statistic!

1. First, think carefully about the places that are special to her or to your relationship. Consider:
   1. Where was your first date? (Note: 58% of women recently surveyed said that even if it was a public place, the site of a couple's first date is a great place to propose.)
   2. What is her favorite place?
   3. Is there a place she has always wanted to visit?
   4. Does she love the outdoors? Would a romantic hike be a good idea? A day at the beach? Sunset overlooking her favorite vista?
   5. Is there a restaurant you have enjoyed together?
   6. A favorite childhood place?
   7. Is she a real risk-taker? How about skydiving, scuba diving, summiting a major peak?
   8. You could also incorporate something new: will you move to a new house together? If so, what about setting something up there, before you've moved in? Is there a city you are thinking of moving to? What about a weekend there?
2. Then consider the logistics of these places. What is your budget? What is your timeline? Do you both have the time to take off on a trip?
3. Remember that very public proposals can backfire. One woman's perfect proposal (huge public display of affection) is another's nightmare.
4. A simple proposal can have the most meaning (and you're not distracted when the hired string quartet doesn't show up). The most important part of the proposal is not necessarily the details, but the question itself and the integrity of the person asking it.

Creative Suggestions

• There are a number of ways to present the age-old question, "Will you marry me?" Recalling a special place or activity the two of you have shared is one way to up the romance factor, and you'll get extra points for a little creativity.

1. Like Brian Lederman, you could take out an ad that states your proposal and find a creative way for her to stumble upon it.
2. You could also go for something a bit more permanent, like Marie's boyfriend, who tatooed his proposal on his chest for her to "discover" while they were getting ready for work.
3. Set up a scavenger hunt to add intrigue to your proposal. You can revisit places that have been special to your relationship.
4. Take a page out of Maverick's book with this Top Gun style proposal.
5. If you love a project, you could try this elaborate art installation proposal. Just make sure you know how to laser cut foam core.
6. Also investigate what your local museums or other attractions may have on offer. In Camden, New Jersey, soon-to-be-groom Eric Large convinced the Adventure Aquarium to let him get into scuba gear and into the tank. In the midst of a scheduled aquatic show, he held up a "Will you marry me?" sign. Oliver Thompson employed the talents of a 6-ton Asian elephant to ask his beloved to tie the knot.
7. If you are certain you are on the same page, you could also try taking advantage of your proposal by doing so in a to-be-broadcasted-on-YouTube contest for the best engagement story.
8. See The Knot's list of 50 Romantic Ways to Propose for more inspiration.

Step 3: Event Logistics

Time to set the scene! (Creative Commons photo by L. E. MacDonald)

• No matter how elaborate your plans are, you'll need some time to prepare.

1. Of course, the more involved the plan, the longer it will take to organize. Give yourself plenty of time to secure tickets, reserve the hot air balloon, or get a table at an impossibly popular restaurant.
2. Be sure to book dinner reservations at least a couple of weeks in advance. You might wish to clue in the maitre d' to your plans so you can get a better table, or have champagne chilling before the big moment.
3. If your proposal is linked to a particular holiday, use that holiday for inspiration. Valentine's Day proposals are ripe for creativity.
4. Even if you plan to pop the question at home, you should still go to extra effort ahead of time. Buy flowers, cook a romantic meal, pick up her favorite dessert, whatever will add to a special mood.
5. You might need to enlist a friend to help. If you propose away from home, for example, and want to return to a romantic atmosphere, consider asking a friend to sneak in to light candles, chill champagne, sprinkle rose petals, etc..
6. It has also become increasingly popular to capture your proposal on film. If you choose to go this route, you'll need to hire a videographer/photographer or ask a friend (with some skills, please) to help you.

If It's a Destination Proposal

• Keep a few things in mind when preparing an out of town proposal and see our guide to How to Plan a Destination Proposal.

1. Will you propose during a vacation the two of you have planned or surprise her with a romantic getaway that revolves around your perfect proposal?
2. Popular destinations to propose include: Mexico, France, Italy, Hawaii, and the Caribbean.
3. If the trip will be a surprise you'll need to be certain to secure passports if necessary, vacation time (you may have to ask for help from one of her co-workers), and whatever she will need for the trip.
4. Packing for your beloved may require advice from a close pal. Just don't tell too many people or your surprise could become, well, less surprising.
   • And no, a racy set of lingerie is not enough to fill her carry-on.
5. You should also check your partner's calendar for any crucial social events or meetings at work that shouldn't be missed.
6. Don't go through airport security with the ring in your pocket. If you set off the metal detector, your cover is blown! Pack it in your carry-on luggage.
7. Do make friends with your hotel's concierge so you have a local person to help you order flowers, secure a dinner reservation, or anything else you may need for your planned proposal.
8. Don't wait until the end of a vacation to propose. If she is even half-expecting a proposal, her mind will be analyzing your every move throughout the trip.

Step 4: The Big Day

Time to celebrate! (Creative Commons photo by Michael Lemmon)

• It's here, the day you've decided to pop the question. With a few things in mind, it should be a moment you will always remember!

1. If you will propose with a ring, be sure you have it with you in a secure place (this is not the day to wear your favorite khakis with the huge hole in the pocket!).
2. If you are planning on champagne to celebrate, assure it is chilled and ready to open.
3. Wherever you choose to propose, it's nice to be near a phone so you can share the good news with your family.
4. Get down on one knee. Almost 90% of women recently surveyed said they wanted their boyfriends to propose on bended knee. It's a classic move that can really up the swoon factor!
5. Also be sure to let her know why it is you want to marry her. Coming up with a few sentences about her impact on you and the growth of your relationship will be very meaningful to both of you.
6. Prepare yourself for your significant other to want a little time to think about it. This is a major decision, and if you've planned a surprise that truly did shock your girlfriend, it might take a little bit for the question to sink in and for her to respond affirmatively.
7. Once you hear that happy "Of course!", expect to start wedding planning!

Resources for How to Propose

• The Knot: How to Propose
• The Knot: 50 Romantic Ways to Propose
• VideoJug: How to Propose
• Brides.com: How to Propose: A Groom's Guide
• New York Times: "Saying 'Will You?' for Prizes, on the Web" (January 7, 2008)
• New York Times: "Will You Marry Me? Say Cheese!" (September 20, 2007)
• Daily News: "Man Buys News Ad to Propose Marriage" (January 14, 2008)
• About.com: Proposal Dos and Don'ts  
• Boston Review: Five Ways to Propose Marriage
• The Knot: The Best Proposals of 2007
• The Knot: The 5 Biggest Proposal Mistakes
• The Knot: Wedding Proposals: 10 Valentine's Day Ideas
• The Daily Mail: Six-ton Elephant Helps Romantic Boyfriend Propose to Lover During Zoo Trip
• New York Daily News: "Man Buys News Ad to Propose Marriage" (January 14, 2008)
• 1-800-Flowers: Contest: Will You Marry Me?
• YouTube: My Early Muir Owl: Proposal to Sara
• YouTube: Top Gun Style Proposal
• Wedding Channel: Destination Proposals
• The Knot: Destination Proposal Pointers
• ABC News: 'Tis the Season to Get Engaged  
• CDC: National Center for Health Statistics: Marriage and Divorce
• YouTube: FOX Reporter Botches Wedding Proposal

Proposing to Him

• The Knot: How to Ask Him
• eHow: How to Propose Marriage to a Man

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