How to Date Online

Guide Note: Online dating has attracted millions of singles around the world. This page explores some of the options, methods, and safety considerations for how to date online.

Table of Contents:

Introduction

  • Although a few years ago many people would have scoffed at the idea of online dating, these days it's become an accepted and oft-used alternative to prowling the local bar scene. In fact, it can be a very simple, fun, and low-risk way to get in contact with some new people that you may never have had the chance to talk to otherwise. So whether you're interested in a serious commitment or just exploring your options, what have you really got to lose? If you choose wisely and stay safe, you can avoid having any horror stories and turn Internet dating into a rewarding experience.

Step 1: Decide What You're Looking For

(Creative Commons photo by Masahiro Hayata)
(Creative Commons photo by Masahiro Hayata)
  • Before you go signing up for every dating service you can find, you should first try to establish what you're looking to get out of your foray into cyber-dating. The more you can narrow down your preferences, the easier it will be to target the specific type of person or dating service you should go for.
  1. What sort of relationship are you interested in?
    • Are you hoping for long-term commitment, possibly marriage?
    • Would you rather stay more casual and just meet some new people to see what's out there?
  2. What kind of person are you hoping to meet?
    • Besides having common interests, you should establish how important factors such as age, race, and religion are to you.
  3. How big a factor is location?
    • Would you rather stay local, or are you willing to move or do a long-distance relationship?
    • Remember that you should never plan on moving away before you've met someone in person!
  4. If you're not sure about everything, that's OK, too! Just try to narrow the field as much as possible, and you may learn much more about what you want as you go.

Step 2: Choose a Service

  • After you have a general idea of what you're looking for, it's time to choose a dating service. Picking a service can seem like quite a task considering how many there are to choose from. Try to choose one that fits your needs the best, considering your budget, relationship goals, and level of commitment to online dating.
  • Many services claim to help you skip past the awkward early stages to establish that you really have a connection with someone before you decide to date them. Often this involves some sort of "personality test" which is used to match you up with like-minded singles. Each site claims their methods are the most successful, and often membership fees are based on this advantage.

Some of the Most Popular Dating Sites

There are many online dating sites to choose from.
There are many online dating sites to choose from.
  • Yahoo! Personals
    • $13.99-$25.99 per month
    1. Before you pay: browse local profiles and view one for free.
    2. Similar to personal ads in the newspaper. Simply tell them what you're looking for, create a profile, and take it from there.
    3. No reliance on complicated personality tests.
    4. One of the lowest-priced of the popular options.
    5. They offer a 5-Star Safety Program.
  • Match.com
    • $24.95-$65.70
    1. Before you pay: create your profile and start looking for free.
    2. One of the largest communities of online daters (15 million singles).
    3. Their credo states that their relationship with their users is as important to them as the users' relationships with each other.
    4. They have a program called MindFindBind, which is a Dr. Phil-endorsed approach at taking your dating life to "the next level."
    5. Not geared specifically to long-term relationships like some of their competitors (though it is always an option), but more toward helping the user find what kinds of dating options are available to them.
  • eHarmony
    • $49.95-$249.95
    1. Before you pay: take the personality test and view your matches (without contact info) free.
    2. Boasts a patented Compatibility Matching System® that finds you a partner based on a detailed (436 questions) test of 29 dimensions of your personality.
    3. Tends to favor the idea of serious commitment and marriage, so if you're interested in something a bit more casual, this may not be the place for you.
    4. There has also been a bit of controversy over some of eHarmony's policies.
  • Perfectmatch.com
    • $59.95 - $249.95
    1. Before you pay: join for free, must pay to communicate with matches.
    2. They call themselves the best approach for adults seeking successful, lasting relationships.
    3. System is based on the studies of Dr. Pepper Schwartz and factors in personality, lifestyle, values and preferences with potential matches.
    4. Legally separated but still married adults are not eligible to join Perfectmatch.com.
  • Chemistry.com
    • Starts at $49.95
    1. Before you pay: first 5 matches are free.
    2. A sister site of Match.com, they have been vocal in their criticism of eHarmony's policies, touting their tagline of "come as you are."
    3. Similar to their competitor, however, their goals include long-term relationships.
    4. Matching process involves a personality profile test that matches key elements to 5 people per day that they think you may have "chemistry" with (based on the studies of Dr. Helen Fisher).

More Dating Service Options

  • Of course there are plenty of alternative dating sites at your disposal if you haven't found what you like from the list above. Some are free, many of them require a fee. Free can be nice, but be careful; you may run into fake profiles, some less serious users, or even privacy issues.
  1. Lavalife: Online adult dating service and personals, "where singles click."
  2. Plentyoffish.com: One of the largest free online dating communities available.
  3. True.com: 10 million members, compatibility testing, and background checks.
  4. FriendFinder.com: WARNING: Pop-ups Personals for fun, friends, and love.
  5. uDate.com: One of the fastest growing dating sites with 5,000 people joining every day.
  6. singlesnet.com: It takes less than 30 seconds to create an account with this site which displays the Better Business Bureau OnLine trustmark.
  7. OkCupid!: A free site created by the same people who made TheSpark.com and SparkNotes.com.
  8. Mate1.com: Over 18.5 million profiles to browse through. You can also record a voice message for your profile by using your phone.
  9. ScientificMatch.com: A new, pricey, scientific method of actually using DNA samples to match you up genetically with others.
  10. AmericanSingles: Dating, romance and friendship personals.
  11. AOL Personals: Powered by Match.com, you can sign up for a 72-hour free trial.
  12. MSN Personals: Also powered by Match.com.
  13. Craigslist: Everyone's heard of it and it's free, so it must be good, right? Well, not exactly. While it can be a great site for finding apartments and used refrigerators, it is not recommended that you use Craigslist for dating purposes. It attracts a very different crowd from sites specializing in dating and can be unsafe. One quick browse through their personal ads should help confirm your decision to avoid it.
  14. MySpace and Facebook can be used for dating, but aren't specifically dating sites. You might as well commit to a site based solely on the dating scene.

Niche Services

If you're a wine lover, you might try finding a match at Grapedates.com (Creative Commons photo by Miss Karen)
If you're a wine lover, you might try finding a match at Grapedates.com (Creative Commons photo by Miss Karen)
  • There are also a lot of niche dating sites that appeal to a specific demographic or people with a certain interest or hobby. This can be a great place to start if you know you're looking for a very specific quality in a potential date or would like to weed out anyone who might consider your favorite quirk a "deal breaker." Here is a sampling of some niche sites, but there are so many out there that there is bound to be one that speaks to you!
  1. JDate: One of the most successful niche dating sites, it caters to Jewish singles.
  2. Catholicmatch.com: Find a fellow Catholic to date.
  3. Black Singles: Representing the black online dating community.
  4. Gay.com: One of the biggest online dating destinations for homosexuals.
  5. Date My Pet: Geared towards pet owners and animal lovers.
  6. Democratic Singles: Find like-minded liberals.
  7. Republican Singles: All about those who lean to the right.
  8. TallFriends.com: For tall singles and admirers.
  9. Blue Collar Dates: A community for low-income daters.
  10. FarmersOnly.com: Farmers, cowboys/cowgirls, agriculture students, apply here!
  11. Green Friends: For vegetarians, animal rights activists, and environmentalists.
  12. MilitaryFriends.com: Specifically for members of the military and military admirers.
  13. Amigos.com: A Latino dating service.
  14. GothicMatch.com: Bringing Goths together!
  15. Grapedates.com: The place to meet wine lovers.

Step 3: Make a Profile

Blurry photos aren't a good choice for your profile. You want potential matches to clearly see what you look like. (Creative Commons photo by Travis Hornung)
Blurry photos aren't a good choice for your profile. You want potential matches to clearly see what you look like. (Creative Commons photo by Travis Hornung)
  • Pretty much any dating service will require you to make an online "profile" so that potential matches can learn all about you before you even start up your first conversation. Because your profile is how you will be "selling" yourself to other online daters, it is worth putting a little time and effort into making a great profile and making sure you answer every question.
  1. Be honest. There's not much point in lying about yourself in your profile, since the goal is to meet someone face to face.
  2. Include a clear, recent photo. Most people only want to contact potential matches if they can get some idea of what they look like. Since you can't hide your appearance in real life, you might as well not hide it in your profile... And don't forget to smile!
  3. Details and specifics are good. You don't want to write a novel, but a somewhat detailed description of yourself can tell a lot more about how you think and what you like than a few vague sentences like "I have a great sense of humor." Everyone and their sister has a sense of humor (or at least thinks they do), so maybe specify that you have a dry sense of humor. Avoid these standard answers and go into specifics about yourself; instead of saying you like long walks on the beach and movies, say you love playing beach volleyball and watching horror flicks.
  4. Add some personality. A dry and lifeless profile will not catch anyone's eye. Plus, adding your personality to your profile will help you stand out from the millions of other web surfers looking for love. Try adding some humor (but remember that sarcasm often doesn't translate well online), throwing in a top 10 list, including some of your favorite quotes, or telling a funny story about an interesting experience you've had.
  5. Keep a confident, casual tone. Coming off as desperate or insecure can be an immediate turn off. Be careful with the tone you use, and keep it confident and upbeat.
  6. Stay safe. While you want potential matches to learn about you, don't reveal any personal information that you wouldn't feel comfortable with someone knowing, including your address, phone number, and possibly your full name.
  7. Use correct spelling and grammar. You're trying to make the ultimate first impression, so mixing up "they're" with "there" won't get you any points. Try typing in a word processor and copying the text over after you've spell-checked.
  8. If you're really having trouble putting a profile together, you can get professional help... There are services that help you build that perfect dating profile if you need it.

Step 4: Take the Next Step

  • After you're all set up and settled in with your online dating service, it's time to start contacting other singles! The process of finding a date will vary between the different services, of course. Some of them will send matches your way, others will allow you to browse and contact other members as you please.
  1. The Internet can be a great way to begin to get to know someone via email and chats in a low-pressure and more relaxed, semi-anonymous environment.
  2. Online dating can often establish that your match is interested in you, eliminating that initial fear of rejection. When you meet someone through a dating site, it more or less guarantees that you are contacting each other with similar intentions.
  3. Don't reveal any personal information (even your name) until you feel comfortable. You may be getting to know someone, but that doesn't mean you are obligated to answer every question they ask you.
  4. Once you establish that you are ready and interested in dating someone in person, don't take forever to make it happen. Remember there are thousands of other online daters that could make their moves first.
  5. That said, get to know as much about your potential date as you possibly can before deciding to meet face to face. You can never be too safe.

Step 5: Stay Safe and Beware of Scams!

Meet them face to face in a public place like a coffee shop for the first time. (Creative Commons photo by Ercwttmn)
Meet them face to face in a public place like a coffee shop for the first time. (Creative Commons photo by Ercwttmn)
  • While most people you're likely to meet online are harmless, there is always the possibility of making "friends" with someone you wish you hadn't. Be particularly wary of potentially fake profiles on free dating sites. Follow common sense tactics to keep yourself safe and you should have nothing to worry about.
  1. Set up an anonymous email address that you use strictly for dating sites.
  2. As soon as anyone asks you for money for any reason, be suspicious. Your best bet is to cease contact with them immediately, because they are likely a scammer.
  3. Use that power to cease all contact as soon as anyone begins to make you feel uncomfortable for any reason. You will always have someone else to talk to.
  4. You have the right to say no to anyone who contacts you online.
  5. When meeting for the first time, remember that even though you have talked to this person before, it is still a first date. Treat it as though it was a blind date.
  6. Make sure a friend or family member knows when you're going to meet someone new. Tell them when and where, and make sure your date knows it's no secret.
  7. Meet for the first time in a public place (like a coffee shop) during the day and leave the first date at that. Avoid places like bars so you don't drink alcohol during the first meeting.
  8. Always bring your cell phone.
  9. If you feel uncomfortable at all about any situation, avoid it. Don't agree to meet face-to-face until you're absolutely ready.

Step 6: Try, Try Again

  • Once you've met in person, it's time to make the transition into real life dating. Hopefully at this point you've already eliminated most of the small talk and awkward introductions by getting them out of the way online. But just remember that you'd have to be very lucky to find a perfect match on your first try. If it doesn't work out, learn from your mistakes, go back to your computer, and try it again!

Resources for How to Date Online

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Have any great tips on How to Date Online? Post your thoughts to the discussion board or email them to Evan: EvanB at mahalo dot com.