How to Break Up with Someone

Guide Note

If you're ready to call it quits with your boyfriend or girlfriend but are unsure how to proceed, read on. This page will help you figure out how to break up as painlessly as possible, and deal with the aftermath of your relationship's dissolution.

Table of Contents

Breaking Up Tips

  1. Plan your strategy—don't break up impulsively.
  2. Break up in a manner that allows you both to keep your dignity.
  3. Don't hang out immediately after you break up.
  4. Set ground rules if you decide to be friends.
  5. Spend time with friends to help you through this tough time.

Introduction

  • "Breaking up is hard to do." "Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye." "How can you mend a broken heart?" As pop music attests, breaking up is fraught with heartache and emotional baggage. Few people want to initiate a break-up, but sometimes you know it needs to be done. Are there really "50 ways to leave your lover"? Probably. But most of them aren't very kind. Here's the way to do it right.

Step 1: Think It Through

  • Once you decide to break up, you'll likely want to get it over with as quickly as possible. Still, take the time to do this right.
(Photo by Steve Woods)
(Photo by Steve Woods)
  1. Figure out exactly why you're going to break up.
    • If the reasons aren't clear and something just doesn't "feel right," it will be hard to clearly explain why you're breaking up, and you may later come to doubt your decision.
    • Think about what isn't working in the relationship, and calmly focus on that.
  2. Keeping a journal throughout this emotionally taxing time can help you sort out your feelings more clearly.
  3. Practice what you want to say so it comes out right, and make sure you'll be hitting on all the important points of why you're breaking up.
  4. Don't break up spontaneously.
    • For example, by calling it quits in the heat of an argument, you'll only end up saying a lot of nasty things you'll probably regret. Instead, do what you can to take yourself out of the argument, and proceed with the break-up only when cooler heads prevail.
  5. Be certain that you really want to break up as opposed to scaling back the relationship or taking a break.

NOTE: Do not take the passive-aggressive approach of behaving badly or just disappearing so that they'll break up with you.

Step 2: Plan Your Timing

  • Maybe there's no such thing as a perfect time to break up; however, some are better than others.
  1. Don't break up right before a major holiday or before your soon-to-be-ex has an important event.
  2. Don't break up right after you've asked them for a big favor.
    • If you think you may be headed for a break-up, ask someone else to pet-sit or loan you money.
  3. While you want to be sensitive about timing, don't keep putting off this unpleasant task, either.
    • Your partner will be able to sense that something is wrong and this sort of behavior will only put them through more agony. Pick your date to act and stick to it.

Step 3: Decide Where to Do It

  • Location is key to a smooth-as-possible break-up.
  1. Breaking up is something you need to do face-to-face.
    (Photo by David Peter Hansen)
    (Photo by David Peter Hansen)
  2. Pick the right spot, depending on where your partner will feel at ease.
    • If your girlfriend is more composed in public, then you can break up in a spot with people nearby, such as a coffee shop.
    • If your boyfriend may have a meltdown no matter who is around, then avoid drawing unnecessary attention by having the conversation in a wide-open space, like a public park.

Step 4: Keep the Conversation Calm and Rational

  • Since you're the one breaking up, it's up to you to set a civil and rational tone for the discussion.
  1. Tell your significant other why it's not working for you using "I feel" statements.
    (Photo by Kiomi)
    (Photo by Kiomi)
    • Saying "I feel that we're no longer compatible" as opposed to "Your bad habits are really driving me crazy," for example, will make the conversation less about placing blame and should help you both keep your cool.
  2. If he or she starts flinging accusatory statements, don't respond in kind. Express that you understand their frustration, but ask that they be civilized about it.
  3. If you can't keep the conversation from turning into an argument, make sure you know the right way to fight.
    • Don't accuse, insult, or turn the conversation into a screaming match. Listen to what the other person has to say and acknowledge their feelings in your response. Stand your ground, but do so in the kindest way you can manage.
  4. While break-ups are usually emotional and both of you might shed a few tears, you shouldn't hang around too long to comfort your ex. This could lead to hugging, kissing and more, so make an exit before those old feelings of closeness set in.

Step 5: Decide If and When You'd Like to See Each Other Again

  • Some exes become the best of friends, and some never speak again. Figure out what's right for you and your ex.
  1. Relationship experts say you shouldn't have any contact with your ex for at least eight weeks after the break-up.
  2. Figure out if being "just friends" is a possibility for you and your ex. If you decide to get together, there can be no hooking up.
  3. If you do pursue friendship, don't hang out more than once or twice a week at first.
  4. If you start dating someone new, don't tell your ex all the details and ask for his or her advice on the topic. While you don't need to hide this new relationship, you shouldn't flaunt it, either.

Step 6: Call In Your Support Forces

  • Just because you broke up doesn't mean you have to go it alone during this difficult period.
  1. Even if you did the breaking up, dealing with depression is normal after a break-up: make an effort to see your friends.
  2. When you're with them, don't talk incessantly about your ex. Get out of your own head by showing interest in your friend's lives as well.
  3. Try to avoid reminders of your relationship. Not dwelling in the past will help you to move on.
  4. A break-up can often trigger other pent-up emotions and hard-to-deal-with feelings. Consider seeking professional help if you need it.
  5. Explore ways to start moving on with your life.
    • Take up a new hobby that doesn't remind you of your ex or start that new exercise routine you've been meaning to get around to.
    • Doing positive things for yourself after a break-up will not only distract you, it will help make you a happier, more fulfilled person.

Conclusion

  • After you successfully break up with someone, it's usually a good idea to reflect on how the romance went wrong and focus your ideas of what you hope to find in your next relationship. Try not to jump into your next liaison too quickly, though. Even though you're now an expert on breaking up, it's probably not something you want to do all the time.

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