How to Apologize

Guide Note

Apologizing is one of the hardest things to do because it involves admitting we have done something wrong. Despite the difficulty, putting our pride aside and saying, "I'm sorry," is sometimes the only way for us to make amends. If you've never been one for apologies, there's no time like the present to learn how to apologize.

Table of Contents

• Introduction
• Step 1: Where Did I Go Wrong?
• Step 2: When to Apologize
• Step 3: Which Type of Apology
• Step 4: Consider This
• Conclusion
• References

Apology Tips

1. Take responsibility for your actions.
2. Acknowledge that you've hurt the other person.
3. Determine the severity of the offense.
4. Decide the best time to apologize.
5. Choose a method of apology.
6. Be sincere and honest.
7. Remember this apology is about the other person, not you.
8. Go beyond "I'm sorry," to make the apology personal.

• by Jenny Hudock

Introduction

• Apologizing is not an easy thing to do. It often involves swallowing our pride and admitting we were wrong. Depending on the magnitude of your mistake, it may take more than a simple sorry to make amends. If you're in need of some advice on how to apologize, the following page holds tips and information that will set you on the path to the perfect apology.

Step 1: Where Did I Go Wrong?

(Image courtesy someecards.com)

• Everyone makes mistakes; there is even an old proverb that reads, "to err is human, to forgive, divine." The first step, and one of the most important parts of apologizing, is owning up to your mistake.¹ In order to reach the utmost level of sincerity, it is essential that you know exactly what you've done wrong.

1. Make sure you know exactly what you're apologizing for.²
   • If you know you did something, but aren't quite sure what it was, take some time to consider the situation before you charge in with an apology.
2. Do not tell the other party they shouldn't be offended, or that it was just a joke.³
3. Taking responsibility immediately is far more genuine than coming out weeks or months after the fact.⁴
4. Don't try to make excuses for your actions. There are no excuses in apologies, only ownership and genuine remorse.²
   • If you do feel the need to explain yourself, make sure it does not take away from the apology.¹
5. Acknowledge the consequences of your actions.²
6. Admit that you hurt the person with your actions.³

Step 2: When to Apologize

(Creative Commons photo by Chris Gladis)

• A good apology should be appropriately timed based on the level of your offense. Here are some tips to help you determine the best time to apologize:

The Lesser Offenses

• If your offense is minor, you will want to apologize immediately.⁵ Some examples of minor offenses include:

1. Bumping into someone or other acts of general carelessness.¹
2. Snapping at a friend.⁶
3. Late arrivals.
4. Interrupting someone or cutting them off.

Major Damages

• If what you've done is on the more extreme end, an immediate apology could come across as insincere.¹ You will want to go about things differently, especially if you want your apology to be taken seriously.

1. Give the offended party some time to cool off.⁶
2. Take time to think your apology through.
3. Sit down with the person one on one so they know you are making a sincere effort.¹

• Another important thing to remember is that the more severe the act, the more time a person might need to think things over before they do or don't accept your apology.³

Step 3: Which Type of Apology

(Creative Commons photo by Andrew Yee)

• After you've realized the need to apologize, and you know how severe your actions were, it's time to consider which type of apology to employ.

1. Brief face-to-face: Won't require as much thought. You will generally know what you did wrong and how to remedy it.
2. Written: Gives the reader more time to reflect on your actions and his or her feelings before responding.⁷
3. In-depth verbal: Means that you need to be fully prepared to discuss the act, the consequences and the offended party's reactions.⁷

• Another determining factor in choosing which type of apology to use is your relationship with the offended party.

1. If it's only a minor offense with an acquaintance, a brief face-to-face apology will suffice.
2. If it's a major offense with an acquaintance, a written apology letter will be more formal.⁷
3. If it's a close friend, take him or her out for coffee or lunch and offer an in-depth verbal apology.⁷

Step 4: Consider This

(Creative Commons photo by gavin. robinson)

• Once you've taken the initial steps toward a sincere apology, you're halfway there. Here are some important things you may want to keep in mind that will help you make the most sincere apology:

1. Offer to repair the damage if you've destroyed or broken something.¹
2. Don't even attempt to apologize unless you're sincere.⁶
3. Ask for forgiveness, but never demand or insist they owe it to you.⁸
4. Brace yourself. You may not be forgiven, and that's something you'll have to live with.⁸
5. Don't assume that just because the issue was no big deal to you that it's no big deal to them.⁹
6. Be careful not to rehash the same argument that brought on your apology to begin with.⁶
7. Never use the word "but" in your apology.⁹
8. Don't rely on "Sorry". It's an easy way out.⁹
9. Once you've apologized, whether it was accepted or not, don't dwell on it.⁹
10. An apology isn't about winning or even being "the bigger person," it's about maintaining healthy and lasting relationships.¹
11. Stick to your word. Part of an apology is making sure that the offense you committed never happens again.⁶
12. Don't talk about your feelings and guilt. The focus of an apology should revolve around the other person, not you.⁶

Conclusion

• Apologizing is all about swallowing one's pride, but it's important to remember that it's not about you in the end. It is about righting wrongs and mending rifts in our relationships. When we can sincerely apologize to the people in our lives for the things we've done, we not only show the world around us that we care about our relationships, but we set an example as well.

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References for How to Apologize

1. ↑ ^{1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6} University of Nebraska-Lincoln: When and How to Apologize
2. ↑ ^{2.0 2.1 2.2} Language is How I Talk: How to Apologize (October 9, 2006)
3. ↑ ^{3.0 3.1 3.2} Earthling Communications: How to Apologize Part 3 (March 19, 2007)
4. ↑ CNN: How to Apologize at Work (January 3, 2005)
5. ↑ PickTheBrain: 5 Steps to an Effective Apology (August 20, 2007)
6. ↑ ^{6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 6.5} wikiHow: How to Apologize
7. ↑ ^{7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3} Perfect Apology: How to Apologize
8. ↑ ^{8.0 8.1} Perfect Apology: The Dos of Apologizing
9. ↑ ^{9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3} Perfect Apology: The Don'ts of Apologizing

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